Hey its my first post so Idk if im on the right track here making a new blog.
Im just having a psychological issue, possibly mixed with a biological one, and I have a feeling its gonna get serious ..
I'm almost 18, male, and in a relationship.
I just feel like... I have lost touch with reality, I do get happy, just not euphoric, I do get sad, really depressed sometimes. So I know it's not depression, cuz my mood feels pretty normal, but I feel a bit emotionless, I dated a girl for a year and a half.. I thought I loved her, or at least really cared for and liked her, but one day.. she was about to get hit by a car right in front of me and I didnt even blink, I didnt even yell to warn her or anything, I wasn't shocked, it wasn't cuz im slow because I fully realized what would possibly happen I just didnt care enough. I thought this started at a late stage but if i try to go bk in time, my mom once had an asthma attack and almost died, the meds were not there, and I was nervous.. i was looking for them, running up and down the stairs I was about 15, I did care to find her the meds, but it was not emotionally driven, it was rationally driven. I don't understand why this is happening, none of my reactions or actions are emotionally driven, I get sad becuz I realize I have to, even when I cry.. I think to myself.. and I realize its so fake.. becuz im crying to convince myself that I am so emotional.. and then i actually cry for that matter. I don't feel any emotions towards my family members, my dad, a few months back, got a little bump in his mouth that he (he's a doctor) diagnosed it as a tumor that may or may not be cancer, and we were waiting for the test results.. i was crying 247.. i felt i loved him.. but when i thought rationally of why im crying, i realize i feel bad for him, at how he wasted his life without even living it and all, i wasnt sad cuz i LOVE him. I don't know what this is or if this is normal.
Even now, I have a gf, for about 7 months now, I love her with all my heart.. I care for her... but sometimes I feel like I dont.. and aside from all this emotionlessness, theres also bad memory loss, im having a pretty bad long term memory retrieval, long term potentiation, working memory is bad (short term), focus is bad, i would be talking about a topic then i think about another and I just drift off in the conversation. I'm even having a hard time talking!! yes I am bilingual, my native language is arabic, but I am so fluent in english and this never happened before.. I just started stuttering every now and then, I look back at what I said and most of it doesnt make sense, I look for words and I cant find them, so I use an extremely simple vocabulary becuz i cannot recall anything formal even tho im a second year student at a pretty tough university. I feel so detached sometimes.. I feel EXTREMELY careless, my sister dies? oh well... if I imagine i lose my whole family in a car accident, i begin thinking of how id survive, how Id deal with the mortgage, what to sell, what to keep, if i will continue studying, i think about MYSELF, I don't even become sad.. i don't even feel a bit sad.. It wasnt always like this, when I was a kid.. If i "think" of losing my mom, I cry like crazy, I used to be so emotional that my dad hated my softness, but then it was gradually going away.. starting in probably age 13.
I think its a teenage problem, becuz if it starts at age 13, wasnt always there, then it must end soon? it started to severely deteriorate right when i entered university, becuz I pretty much changed my whole environment, around that time, I began going to another city every day from 6 am till 9 pm becuz the campus is in a nearby city, I broke up with my ex and asked a new girl out, I had a plastic nose surgery, I changed my glasses shape, I changed my hairstyle, my facial hair, I completely transformed, i felt like i was doing it on purpose, i was running away from the past, i didn't like it, i wasnt abused or was in extreme depression or anything I just didnt like my life.
It just hurts so much to feel emotionless towards those you really used to love.. and those you KNOW you love.. and to feel like youre just watching people.. you dont react to anything, I get bored really fast.. Can anyone tell me what this is? a dissociative disorder? anxiety ? (I can sleep like a baby, and im not worried about anything so no) Depression? (im not depressed).. I don't feel empty, I just feel emotionless and detached, I feel like my senses are barely working and brain is barely perceiving, my gf is a passionate artist, in computer science, she has a crazy ability to focus and has a crazy memory, it brings us to many fights how I cant remember many things. I also took some vitamin pills like focus formula for my memory, i did feel slight improvement, but not too much.
Please.. someone help me with this, I cant afford to go to a psychiatrist and I dont think im having a rare disorder or borderline disorder.. I just feel like im dying.. as a human, from the inside.