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Girlfriend issues/questions

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Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby rantommenace » Mon May 14, 2012 9:24 pm

First time poster here, so be gentle. I'll try to keep this short and answer any questions asked to clarify any statements I make. I am not a doctor, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night. :wink:

Here goes...
My girlfriend has not been officially diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder. But, the evidence/characteristics are unbelievably and overwhelming present on every single level. From the stories on this forum, quizzes, example behavior, etc., she IS the definition of HPD or whatever they want to classify it as. It's funny (interesting funny not ha ha funny) that I've been reading Emotional Vampires and several other items and any quiz or examples they give it's almost an 80% match. Meaning that at least 80% of the questions that would indicate the presence of HPD are a yes. One "quiz" I saw had 50 questions. Only needing 18 to qualify, she was a yes on 40 of them! Plus, if I were to detail examples of her behavior, you'd all be certain I was the crazy one for even considering staying with her. Lots of details there that I will skip for now.

Additionally, the characteristics of people HPD's partner with I have been officially diagnosed with. Rescuer mentality, etc. I am not a therapist and even the info/stats above do not indicate she has it. I understand that fully. I'd like to think I am fairly logical and objective person (work in IT...if that matters), but I have my own rose colored glasses I see things through as well. Basically, I know I'm messed up as well and do not share this information to say I'm better than anyone else. I'm getting better in my own way everyday, but I had to vent about a few things here.

So here goes...I'm just going to share fact points from here on in and see what others think... here goes...

Facts
- We live together.
- I have attempted to break up with her several times and leave the home.
- She has attacked me physically, threatened to burn all my stuff repeatedly, threatened to kill herself and tried to kill herself at least 3 times when trying to leave.
- While she never succeeded (she even researched certain meds to know how many to take without dying), she still threatens to this day to kill herself if I leave.
- She is seeing a therapist.

Facts mixed with my own views
I mentioned to her that she might want to bring up the HPD to her therapist. I even contacted her therapist explaining her suicide attempts. The therapist stated that if she was acting that way to take her to a hospital emergency room. So, one day we were out driving somewhere and arguing as always. She told me to pull the car over in the middle of an interstate and let her out. I refused. She grabbed the steering wheeling repeatedly jerking it violently and cutting the ignition at least 3 different times forcing me to pull over, but never quite completely stopping. I physically had to pry her hands off the steering wheel and wound up repeatedly punching her in the arm to get her to stop jumping on the wheel. We had narrowly avoided running up under the back of a semi-trailer and into several other cars. So, I headed toward the nearest hospital. As we approached the hospital, she kept screaming at me to take her home so that she could take all her pills and die. Once we were closer to the hospital, she quickly turned off the ignition again. And when I was able to start it back, she literally opens the door and tries to get out of a moving vehicle (going about 15 mph). She stumbled and wound up hurting her knee, but refused medical help because she feared I would tell them about her other behavior. While this is a more extreme example, I have dozens of others that would leave the most people slack jawed in amazement.

OK, so back to her "therapist". I suggested that she mention the HPD to her therapist, but she had to tell them the whole story. She had not shared with her really any significant details that ever really described her actual behavior when I attempted to leave. She had also not told her that she had threatened to kill herself if I did. So, she goes to see the therapist and finally after much persuading on my side tells her that I've tried to leave several times and she has said if I do she will kill herself. So, when she gets back from therapy, I asked her if she had told the therapist. She had and relayed to me her therapist response that left me stunned. The therapist said that the reason she does that is that she sees me as a god. I am not kidding. I was amazed. She certainly does NOT treat me like a god.

My point is... I believe she has manipulated this therapist on a level that they do not understand. And, trust me... she is AMAZING at manipulating people. I mean she has a 4 year old daughter that is her mirror image. Yes, the behaviors aren't as extreme, but anyone that thinks that this stuff is not genetic is kidding themselves. The two of them would make an amazing case study for nature vs. nurture. Yes, I know she is only 4. But, even the teachers at her school in parent/teacher conferences said her daughter was very manipulative. I could write a book about how similar their behavior is (albeit the 4 yr old's behavior is less "evolved"). And by similar I mean both good and bad. Both of them HAVE TO BE the center of attention. Nothing less will do. If at any point they are not, they both start to "misbehave" to bring the attention back to them. The 4yr old is even highly sexual in her behavior at times. Yes, I said it for a 4 yr old. Even others have noticed it.

Well, back to my point about the therapist, I think she should see a different one altogether. I mean she's threatening to kill herself if I leave and somehow I'm a god??? I guess where I am heading is... how many of you have experienced or believe that HPDs are so good at manipulation that they can do it even to trained therapist?? Yes, I realize they are human too. But, they are supposed to look for this stuff. And it seems to me that her therapist believes I am the bad guy in this situation. Don't get me wrong. I'm frustrated, angry and several others things beyond belief at the moment. I know it's my choice to stay. I am working on slowly, but surely understanding myself better to be able to have a healthy view of myself, etc.

Anyways, I welcome clarifying questions and definitely your opinions about this. I do love her, but I can't be in this relationship much longer if I know that the help she is getting has been manipulated to believe her own BS.

Sorry for that ramble and thanks for reading.
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby lodi dodi » Tue May 15, 2012 4:51 am

Why is she doing those things/what are the reasons for leaving?
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby thisislabor » Tue May 15, 2012 5:48 am

I stopped reading at my girlfriend hasn't been officially diagnosed...

until your girlfriend is officially diagnosed you can not figure out which behaviors are caused by what.

- Labor.
When the time comes there will not be enough people to bury the dead.
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby rantommenace » Tue May 15, 2012 2:25 pm

"Why is she doing these things?" is really the central question. I can only attribute it to a combination of previous events, genetics, and our own issues, etc. I mean it's like she is ADDICTED to misery. We can be having a great day. Everything going smooth and she will start something over almost nothing. She is so passive aggressive it is like she always has some "tone" to everything she says. She almost can not talk like an adult. If you say, hey I'm taking out the trash. She will respond with a very smart tone and say "OOOook". For NO REASON. I am a VERY self critical person. An issue I am working on, but she takes NO responsibility for ANYTHING unless it creates some type of drama. She can slip and glass of water and her first response would be "They made the glass too slick." She can be driving, cut someone off in a way that no objective observer on the planet would say what she did was correct and she will argue the entire time she did nothing wrong.

I mean I literally have resorted to secretly audio taping her at times because she will not remember from one day to the next what she said (My state is a one party state... only one has to know). But, she knows I do this. I've TOLD her and I play it back for her and she will NOT remember it. She will apologize, but not in a sincere fashion. It's almost like some type of righteous indignation that how dare you point out where she was wrong.

Another example that blew my mind was this one... We were arguing every night. I mean every... single... night. About the dumbest stuff. So, one night I told her. Look I don't want to argue. I'm going to sit next to you on the couch and read if that's OK with you. I need to focus on my reading. So, maybe we won't argue as much. Get this... she literally less than 30 minutes into this is almost crawling out of her skin because we hadn't fought that day and I wasn't engaging her every time she would make a remark that would usually lead to a fight. She wound up having to go take a pill for anxiety. She even admitted she didn't know what was going on. It was almost she was having withdrawals from drama and being the center of attention.

Plus, if we are EVER out with friends, she will NOT be friends with ANY female she feels is prettier than her or would get more attention than her in public. She freaks out. She will make snide remarks or start complaining about everything imaginable to get the attention back on her. Plus, if she starts to drink, she will be super nice and sweet to everyone, but ... ME. She will literally smile at them and turn around and make some passive aggressive remark under her breath.

Also, she has not worked in a year. For a variety of reasons, but when she did, she would flirt with almost every guy at work. Even her female co-workers that were trying to help her succeed (not just being catty) warned her about it. She ignored them and wound up having affairs with 3 different co-workers. Yes, I was one of them. I did not know about the other two until later.

As I read through the forums here and other examples, it's like watching a replay of my own experiences. She is great in bed. A total "freak". But, she uses it as a weapon against me. This is my fault. Not hers. I mean please do not mistake anything I'm sharing her as absolving me of any responsibility. I know it is my choice to stay. My choice to tolerate it. I mean I usually a very sweet, nice guy. But, around her I've found myself becoming increasingly short tempered and yes at times meaner than I'm even comfortable with just to shutdown her "ramping up". I used to sit back and take it for over a year. Now, suddenly I've started biting back at her very sharply whenever the first hint of the behavior starts. I hate it. I've found myself becoming someone that I know I am not. So, I'm trying to work on me more and worry less about her. It's helped.

Baring a miracle on the level of parting the Red Sea, I know ultimately this relationship will end. I've tried to leave numerous times, but I feel compelled to stay as I have literally everything I own (with a few minor exceptions) at her house. Plus, she'll put on a great "performance" for a few hours then go right back to the BS later.

I mean to give a clue about how bad it was around Christmas. My ask of her was she get me nothing and just have a positive attitude for 3 straight days. That was it. Nothing more. She literally did not go 6 hours into my "present" before she started flipping out again about every little thing.

I appreciate you guys reading all this. I think for me... just writing this is giving my strength. Sharing it and knowing I may not be alone will make the inevitable conclusion easier on me. I mean I will always love her. But, love isn't enough to make me stay any longer. I want her to be happy. But, more importantly I want to be happy. I'm not talking elation on a daily basis. But, normalcy. Just the usually ups and downs that life has to offer. Not, creating artificial ones at every single turn.
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby lodi dodi » Tue May 15, 2012 5:28 pm

Looks like you still care about her h/e?

You both have different expectations when it comes to the relationship.
What are the arguments about, the ones she starts?
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby rantommenace » Tue May 15, 2012 6:54 pm

Directed to member: @thisislabor OK, let me cut through my ramblings for you. My point is... she's going to someone that I believe she has manipulated to a point that an official diagnosis is not possible with her current therapist. And, furthermore, is this a common thing (i.e. fooling therapist)? Meaning, that verbatim she matches every single criteria for the diagnosis with subtle variations on only one or two points. This is an opinion shared by many who have observed her. The examples I could provide, while my own subjective opinion and remembrance of events, are undeniably overwhelmingly point toward ... something. Maybes it just me. But, based on all I have seen, observed, etc., it is unlikely.

If you had read the remainder of the post, you would have seen the statements her therapist made relating to her seeing me as a god when she threatens to kill herself if I leave. To me, these statements alone seem out of place and inaccurate. She tells her therapist and anyone else for that matter only versions of events that make her out to be the consummate victim. I have recorded her doing this. She does not remember doing many things even from day to day. And, when she drinks all best are off. I mean every HPD behavior I've recorded her doing to try to validate that my observations aren't just subjective in the moment reactions. They are not.

While I welcome feedback, I find it very unhelpful when you do not attempt to understand the whole story. Simply hand waving remarks that do not serve to understand the true nature of post (probably my fault for the example ramblings) serve absolutely no purpose.

Not every person who is discussing this things about whomever has been officially diagnosed. We come here to share, vent grow. I don't want to get into a war of words over official diagnosis... or not. I'm simply trying to explain one human's perspective.
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby lodi dodi » Tue May 15, 2012 6:59 pm

Imo therapy is about therapy (rehabilitation), I think what you may be interested in is a psychologist.
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby ddca » Tue May 15, 2012 7:14 pm

Not every person who is discussing this things about whomever has been officially diagnosed. We come here to share, vent grow.

But as I read somewhere in this forum..
if it looks like a duck....quacks like a duck.... chances are it IS a duck...

Mine was not diagnosed either. And the best thing I believe I did was coming here and share what I lived with others who could UNDERSTAND me. Soon enough you will understand that you can't SAVE her.
If you are not OK with your relationship....you should ask yourself: Do I deserve better than this..?? Be honest with YOURSELF and after make the decisions according to it.
Every journey begins by a single step.
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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby Big C » Tue May 15, 2012 9:34 pm

You can rationalize till the cows come home but it isn't going to change her or the nature of the relationship. Even if she has "fooled" her therapist, what are you going to change about that.
"“If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it”

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Re: Girlfriend issues/questions

Postby oksayhi212 » Wed May 16, 2012 12:04 am

Rant...

You are in a highly dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship, with no change in sight. No need to label it any other way.

RUN!!
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