Me and my contradicting thoughts, don't know what's wrong...

(It's hard for me to express myself in words at times, so if this post sounds like a clutter of thoughts, I apologize.)
I miss my friends... I'm better off alone, people never stick around for long anyway. It warms my heart to know that being a person with open ears can lift so much off a friend's shoulders... I can care less about their problems. Stabbing a person with a knife and gouging out their eyes makes me shudder in excitment... but it must be the worst feeling in the world at the same time. I'm just another melodramatic teen... I don't know who I am, do I exist? Am I normal?
Do I really have anything to complain about? Mostly everyone I know... has been through so much. Can I really compare my pain to their's? I shouldn't ask for help, I should be helping... I feel like a horrible person, all I can do to make up for it is to be a loyal friend and letting everyone rant their heart out to me, so why does my friendship mean nothing to them? Even though I didn't let them really know me, they meant so much to me.
Just this morning, my mouth was watering, I was craving the taste of my own blood. But when I got the knife, I put the blade on my skin, paranoid thoughts rushed into my mind. "This is the kitchen knife, I'll taint it with my blood. What if I have AIDS/HIV? What if the scar never goes away and someone sees it and thinks I just want attention?"
I'm not the type of person who should be a doctor, like my parents want me to be. I feel uneasy in hospitals, and everytime I have something dangerous in my hands, I suddenly get impulses to kill and hurt someone with it. I am disgusted by how much excitment and even joy it brings me to imagine those scenes at times. My mouth waters at the thought of spilled blood. And If I go for another career, I wouldn't be following the "Asian stereotype" that I feel oblidged to live by.
Life feels pointless. All I really want is a friend who'll stay by my side, someone who responds to my thoughts and concerns the way I want them to, not just interupt and start talking about makeup when I'm talking about how I'm worried about my habit of punching myself in the face. But everyone whom I opened up to left and/or betrayed me.
A lot of my symptoms match up with OCD and Schizotypal PD, but I doubt it for some reason. I don't know how to explain it, I just doubt it. It's so hard to explain my feelings that I am angry with myself.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel alone in my thoughts, alone in this world. All I can do is to continue living life behind a mask, though I have no idea how much of it is real and what is fake.
I try to bottle my feelings, to the point where I probably look emotionless. Then at times, I burst out laughing for no reason, or cry over little things, or get so mad to the point I'm probably violent.

I'll stop this post here, before I start typing thoughts that don't relate to this at all.

"All I really want is a friend who'll stay by my side, someone who responds to my thoughts and concerns the way I want them to"

Your not alone.. Life is difficult. I pray to God. Thats me. I was broken from everything, I came to the end, and I had to find God and talk. Because I was betrayed so many times.. It seems like a hobby for people to get involved with someone then leave.

" I wouldn't be following the "Asian stereotype" that I feel oblidged to live by. " I wouldn't either. There is no such thing as "oblidged to live by" . That is Evil to push down someones throat.

Are their things you like to do. natural things that interest you , things that you express yourself at. For example. I love to create. I love to play the piano. I like hip hop dancing.

The arts are "ME".. Its my temperament. I like science, I like business. However, The Arts are the way I express myself. ITs what God wanted all along for me.

Some people surf
Some like Down hill mountain biking.
Some like to study The history of the world.

Are their things that you love. things that fascinate you..

Never let anyone tell you who you are. Those type of people do not have a life. And it is the spirit within you that needs to grow and come fourth. Your spirit comes first. Anyone of worth in your like will put your spirit first.

Jealous people want to bury that spirit. Do not let them.. Work at recovering your life. Pray if you can. It helps me.

I don't really know how to help you, but I guess I could say you aren't totally alone.

I've had recurrent thoughts of homicide, mass murder, suicide, torture, all that jazz for a while. It can get scary to think that one day you might not be able to control yourself and do something that would land you in jail. Though we are a tad different, when I get those feelings I revel in them and enjoy them, don't really feel disgusted. Until it goes away and is replaced by the other things, but I'm getting off topic.

Yeah. I can't really help you, maybe somebody else will come here and help...How old are you, btw?

fadingawayfromtime wrote:Yeah. I can't really help you, maybe somebody else will come here and help...How old are you, btw?

I'm fourteen.

fadingawayfromtime wrote:I've had recurrent thoughts of homicide, mass murder, suicide, torture, all that jazz for a while. It can get scary to think that one day you might not be able to control yourself and do something that would land you in jail. Though we are a tad different, when I get those feelings I revel in them and enjoy them, don't really feel disgusted.

I see... But like, the thoughts of murder and torture has been present in one form or another since I was little... like preschool little. I had some... pretty weird dreams, and urges around animals. Glad I wasn't fast enough to catch a squirrel to be able to torture it to death, but I feel bad for stomping on all those bugs for fun.
I can't kill a bug to save my life now, haha. But I still fantasize about killing people.

OMNICELL wrote:Never let anyone tell you who you are. Those type of people do not have a life. And it is the spirit within you that needs to grow and come fourth. Your spirit comes first. Anyone of worth in your like will put your spirit first.

Jealous people want to bury that spirit. Do not let them.. Work at recovering your life. Pray if you can. It helps me.

That's some good advice , but I have no idea how to recover my life. I don't know what there is to recover, or... I don't know. What I described before IS my life. Hehe...