Coping with Numbness

For most of my life, I have felt numb, empty and surrounded by darkness. The only times I feel alive are when I am involved with my husband who is BPD. He sparks emotion in me like nobody/nothing else can do. But the emotions cycle between highs (love, exhilaration, passion) and lows (anger, despondency, terror). These lows break me down to the point of suicide because I cannot cope. My only somewhat safe avenue is to stay away from him.

When I separate myself from him, I am once again numb, empty and amidst the darkness. I try to fill the void but nothing helps. I find myself wanting to do something reckless, naughty, illegal – anything, just to spark some feeling. I feel like I am losing my mind!

Where do you think this numbness comes from? Have you tried to get some help? It might help to find something that you love to do, so you can live for youself.

I need to get back into therapy. I know this. As for where the emptiness comes from, I have no clue. It’s been there for years – since I was a teen. When I got pregnant with my first child, being a mother gave me focus. When I left my 1st husband, I knew I had to keep going because I was all my children had. Now, my children are grown. The one person who ever made me feel alive is not good for me, so I cannot be with him.

As for finding something I find interesting, I have been trying. I love to read but that goes in cycles. I just came out of a binge-reading cycle and now have no interest in even reading the cover of a book. I am not into crafts at all. I’ve tried most of them. Just not my thing. I do love to sing but the opportunities are rare, especially right now because the local choirs are on break for the summer.

Sometimes, I feel like I need to quit whining. I have it pretty darned good and should be happy. It just doesn’t seem to happen.

Maybe his BPD makes your husband a bit like a kid sometimes so you feel like he needs you. Yes, get therapy from someone who knows what they're doing.