Unsure what if anything this means.....

I look through the topics on here & see people with issues that make mine look so insignificant I feel embarrassed about how I am feeling & that my problems are just so small & really not worth talking about.

Really in the great scheme of things my problems or perceived problems are trivial & insignificant so bear with me.

I apologise f the narration goes off in tangents, I really didn't ever put this down on paper or anywhere before so might have skipped along to bits n pieces when they came to mind.

“I didn’t have a bad childhood, yeah I got the occasional clip round the ear when I was naughty I guess most of the stuff started happening when I was in school, I used to be bullied quite a lot as I always thought, acted & looked different from most of my peers. My 1st encounter with a bully was when I was 5 years old & had my head cracked open in the playground by someone who just took an instant disliking to me and pushed me over onto a concrete playground. Since that 1st experience I had fingers broken, was stabbed with a pencil, in later years had my head slammed through a phone box window, was chased down the road by a group of 8 boys, who then systematically beat me up. The same happened in a local park once but I actually fought back & broke one of the boys jaws. All of these beatings and the verbal abuse took place from the age of 5 till I was 16. All because I dressed differently, listened to different music & ‘They didn’t like my face’. I remember turning up at my then best friend’s house covered in blood & falling through his front door into his mums arms I was 13.

By aged 8 I’d started to SH by 11 I started taking drugs I guess the later was to escape from it all & the SH just made me feel empowered as I was in control of the pain & the amount of blood flow or how deep the burn went. The drug use lasted a long time, getting progressively worse until I was coked out of my brain every day. I tried pretty much everything I could get my hands on which was a lot….
I was using every day from moment I woke up till the minute I fell asleep, (if I did) sometimes I would stay up for days at a time just climbing inside my own head. I was losing weight as I didn’t eat, I looked like death on more than one occasion, eyes sunken in my head, my ribs showing & not being able to string a sentence together. These days even though I have stopped all drugs, I still have problems verbalising things, & often find myself tripping over my words which I get very embarrassed and upset about. There are HUGE parts of my life I don’t remember, we’re talking several years where I can only remember glimpses of. I’m sure the abuse I did to myself through the drug use has seriously affected my brain in irreversible ways, I forget things seconds after I think about them. Last night I got myself a mars bar, put it down long enough to switch of the bedroom light and I instantly forgot where I had put it. Did the same thing when I went to the fridge to get a drink, I got there & had forgotten why I was there.
I can be in the middle of talking to someone & I blank out & just forget what I was talking about.

At the age of 7 or maybe 8 not really sure how old I was a few of my friends were approached by a guy who offered to pay us while he jerked off, then proceeded to do that in front of us.

I was in trouble with the police a lot of the time & never applied myself at school or college as didn’t see the point, I was always the naughty boy that had to be separated from the rest of the class. I’d sit outside in the hall with a pencil sharpener blade slicing my arms up. I had my 1st breakdown in 2002 where I smashed up my house and ended up in hospital covered in blood. My folks were called by one of my neighbours and when they arrived I was covered in blood and was hovering up broken glass in my boxer shorts, I didn’t even know who I Was at the time, or where I was.

I was sent to group therapy to deal with my anger issues, & I spent virtually the entire 6 weeks (a day a week) sitting in a corner with a massive hoodie on hiding under my hood. Same was the situation when I went for group sessions for low self esteem. Was prescribed Citalopram and was given some 1-1 sessions which I spent most of them in tears, sobbing, until I caught the therapist glancing at her watch before telling me that I was almost out of time that session, so I stopped answering her questions. I Just thought, U don’t care, U r really not that interested in me, so f**k off.
Since then I have had 4 more breakdowns, all of which just lead to my Doc increasing the dose of Citalopram till I reached the max dose, I was sent for an assessment with the MH team in my location & when I told them how I was feeling they said, “Because I can explain what was wrong with me, & could articulate it well, & because even though I was having thoughts of suicide, as I hadn’t acted on them I didn’t need their help, I was probably suffering from low self esteem”

Ended up doing a CBT course but because I was unable to access the site for a few weeks as I had other things on my mind, they sent me a nice letter saying that “I was no longer in need of their help & they would be removing me from their cases, & would also be telling my doctor the same thing.”
I was supposed to go for a review of my medication 4 months or so ago I think but haven’t been so haven’t had a new prescription in months (have medz home, just in case) but you’d think the doctor would be wondering if I was ok, and if I had stopped taking my medz on my own? (which I was always told U need to slowly come off them?)

Now I can be completely chill one moment & bouncing off the walls the next, I have done several online (I know they are just mainly crap) bipolar & ADHD tests that put me in the top % of possible disorders I might be suffering from. I go from happy to seriously depressed & thinking about tube train tracks the next.
I feel angry a lot of the time, & soppy as hell the next.

People are starting to notice, when I am quiet I get all the “What’s the matter?” or “Why are you so quiet, that’s not like you” or if I stare off into space because I’m thinking I get questioned as to what am I thinking, what’s the matter?.

Hugs

Me
Xxxxxxxxxx

P.S. I know there is more lurking away in my subconscious but dunno where it is hiding

Dear WoOks,

I am really glad you decided to post about this, it is really brave to share it. You have been through an awful lot. I hope that posting helps you figure out some of what happened and how you can move forward getting the right help and friendship. You are a lovely person and deserve to be happy.

Hugs

Cracked

Dear Cracked,

Thanks for the support & kindness, I really appreciate it.

Me

You are welcome

I felt like responding here, even though it's a little weird posting a response to myself. but I guess I don't understand why there have been no replies to my post, not sure if it's just me but not hearing anything makes me feel really low & upset kind of like no one cares.
what makes it worse is that people have been reading the post but just not taking notice. I'm not trying to be a troll or hoping that someone solves my problems, but i would dearly love some advice or perhaps someone to tell me that I'm not alone & that I'm not going loopy & maybe I do have a problem.

One person told me that perhaps BPD might be something I should look into as she felt it could explain some of my behaviours & in all honesty after I read up on it maybe she was right, it all made a lot of sense, but I don't really have a clue, I just know & feel I'm not right & the way I act towards people is sometimes very intense & I loose a lot of friends very quickly which makes me want to just curl up n hide.

Please can someone give me some advice?

me

That must have been a hard post to post.

Hugs

Cracked

.

WoOks I heard of that book, supposed to be really good.

We'reREAL I hope you are OK.

Thinking of you both

Cracked

We'reReal,

Thanks so much for replying, it really does mean a lot for some1 to respond with some advice
I'll check that book out, I could so do with something that might point me in the right direction

Hope you are well?

Me

Hi WoOks,

I don't think you should discount your experiences as trivial, they sound much more traumatic than anything I've been through. This board is really quiet, a lot of people read but don't post. There are SI boards that are busier, but I think for a lot of people those boards tend to be as triggering as they are supportive. Not sure what to suggest.

I too have a problem with coming on too intense and pushing friends and acquaintances away as a result. You seem really sweet, and I know you deserve more support than you're getting. Unfortunately that seems to be true for a lot of people, and you just have to hang in there and make the best of the resources available to you.

That may mean trying to get CBT again, or trying to find a psychologist who offers alternatives to CBT - there are people who are willing to listen to you and be supportive and not launch straight into a fix-it mode where they teach you how to think and feel differently, they just focus on recognizing you and being there for you. Unfortunately they will generally only listen for an hour at a time, and you have to adapt to that arrangement. They would be totally overwhelmed if they gave anyone more than their allotted attention, you have to try to be empathetic with people in the helping professions. When you listen to so many people who are having a hard time and try to get inside their heads and help them, you take a burden on yourself, and you have to limit your emotional availability and protect your own time or you will not be able to function.