Involuntary public outbursts are coming.

Hi, first post with lots of problems but this is what I'm worried about right now. Since I have no idea what it is I'm posting it here because my counselor and I are pretty sure I have BPD though I doubt this is a symptom of BDP. I also have clinical depression.

First let me explain what these outbursts are like. I get lost in thought all the time, and if I'm not thinking philosophy I'm usually reviewing and processing my life and memories, both distant and recent. I'm an awkward guy, definitely unique, raised in a cult that made me believe I shouldn't have fun in high school so I missed out on social skills. Now that I'm an atheist I still have that burden because I never got much experience with friends, and I can't make very many friends with no experience. So I make social faux pas' all the time.

Now while reviewing memories, which I have little control over, if I begin to remember an instance of an awkward or bad social behavior I made then I involuntarily burst out. What happens is in the moment I judge myself and try to punish myself in some way so I don't do it again, while simultaneously trying to forget what happened. I spaz in a brief instant committing one of a wide variety of actions. I've gone from briefly choking myself, squeezing my head, clenching my fist, flailing my arms around, yelling at myself, flinching, and yelling at someone in the memory. Usually just one of those happens for just a few seconds but violently, and afterward I realize how silly it is and am somewhat calm.

In this calm state I am still aware of the bad memory and what I just did but my attention is diverted from it. This is how I've coped for years. I never had any idea what this insane behavior could be but I ignored it because it wasn't making any real problems. At the time I was dealing with the clinical depression and BPD which were more demanding.

These outbursts have been private since my teenage years, and though they were difficult, I just dealt with it since I was somehow able to keep them under control whenever someone else was nearby. Like most people, I chose not to get help about it until it became unmanageable. In the past couple of days this has changed and become more extreme than it ever has before. I don't know if it's because the cause of the behavior itself is getting worse or because I am getting lost in my own thoughts more often for an external reason and this is just a side effect. Well I definitely am getting lost in thought more easily with company around, and now I don't have any control on these outbursts even when others are around. So far I've had them about 3 times around family but so far they haven't noticed (I'm trying not to show them because they would make it worse, they're still in the cult). If I'm more conscious about it I'm less likely to burst out but that requires more effort all the time which I can't keep up with.

My biggest fear is that this will be so bad that I'll start randomly yelling outloud during a lecture once my school starts again this fall, or anywhere else with lot's of people that I know. I know my priorities are messed up, I care more about what others think than I do for any other problem and ironically this problem is stemming from me caring too much about what others think and I'd rather correct my awkward social behavior than care less about it. But I'm open to suggestions for help or information on what the hell this behavior is. At this rate everyone will think I'm more insane than I am and I'd be sent to the ward. Funny, because of the short duration of these outbursts they don't seem to have any effect on me when I'm not having them, so I feel much more sane than I look. My school psychiatrist is a joke and I'd rather not risk making it worse and wasting time with his meds, the school counselor isn't very helpful, and I don't have any money to see an outside psychologist.

So if said biggest fear becomes evident I would probably kill myself within a few months after. It may sound trivial but I will refuse to be publicly ridiculed in that way and I was already thinking about it within a few years anyway (if this problem is resolved though I have more hope for the others). If fixing this would require getting committed or having to see a more dedicated psychologist I would find cutting life short and having a blast in the last few months more worthwhile.

Thanks for reading. If this post looks disorganized and crazy keep in mind it was also written at 5am heh.

Dear idontknow,

I am so sorry you went through what you did and that you are struggling now. I really don't know enough about it but what you are saying to me sounds maybe like some sort of disorder like Tourette. Like I said I really, really, really don't know so please don't take what I said as true but maybe have a look at the developmental disorder bit of the site. I am sorry you are so distressed. BTW I have some issues around stuff that could be considered cult life. There is a cult abuse forum on the site, as a sub forumin domestic violence. I havenot had the guts to post anything there atm, but I thought I should let you know it was there. I hope things work out.

Cracked

Thanks cracked that was really helpful :/ tourette's always sounded similar but I always thought it was only swearing. The real description sounds really similar and a video I saw of motor tics in kids looks identical to what I have, it's creepy how similar it is. Well now I have a direction, thanks so much.

No problem, I really hope it works out

Cracked