not sure if im Borderline

im brand new to this forum, ima get to my point.

for as long as i have known (im 17) ive felt as though ill never be as happy as others are. i tend to blame myself for the way i am, and i dont even know who i am inside. im a smart person, at least thats what others tell meh.. yet i fall behind in school, and cant seem to get back to where i need to be. its like my depression makes it impossible for me to think i can even achieve anything at all. ive felt as tho i need some sort of higher being, or symbol to identify myself with, so that i have some sort of self-worth(hence my name). im currently in love. many people say that young peoples dont know what love is, but i know im in love because i would do anything for this person. i have helped them through so much emotional turmoil(her ex was an abusive sociopath). we arent dating because of a slight age differance. she's 14. i tend to dwell on what others think of me and im constantly paranoid of what my actions might make others think(reason we arent dating). i have been best friends with her brother for 7 years and when i graduate highschool, we plan on becoming roommates. im really close with her mother, she is my second mom, and im afraid that if i tell her that i love her daughter, she'll resent and hate me. i know i can trust that my best friend(brother now) will understand. did i mention he has a kid and he named me the godfather? i dont think i did.

okay, im off topic. back to my baby gurl.
we dont get to see each other very often, and when we do hangout we are at her house and we cant really "be" together do to our love being secret. but when i really get a chance to talk to her and we start to get emotional, i tend to get these real strong feelings, and i start to think "i need to tell her exactly how i feel".. well, this may seem like a good idea but i prolly come off as sounding very clingy(which i am) and i usually tend to apoligize for what i said. i dont understand why i get like that and feel like ive opened up so much, that she might hate me for it. when she tells me she is hanging out with friends of hers i always get jealous. i start to imagine the people she could be spending her time on and i think "well, they must be more important than me because she is hanging with them.." i start to think less of myself(like thats possible) and i begin to get scared that she is gonna leave me even tho i have no reason to believe she is going to. her ex likes to frequently text her to make her feel bad about herself, and i always tell her how beautiful she is and what a wonderful person she is. and she begins to tell me a lil more about herself and everything will be alright now that she has me. i start to get that emotional feeling again and its a never-ending cycle. i feel like our relationship could be so much more if i wasnt who i was. i begin to blame myself for the way things are. im not saying i get physical and hurt myself, ive never rea done that because im way too scared that i might end up killing myself in my rage. i begin to bury the feeling like they never happened and hey build and build until finally i reach the breaking point again, and i explode. when this happens i usually cant really see what im doing even tho i never am really blind. things become blurry for me.i start to cry and scream at the same time, and i just.. explode. evn at this very moment, i am crying just thinking about it. this will usually last a few hours and ill start to calm myself down by listening to music. music to me is a god-send. and im not really a christian(ive never been to church). i call my gurl and well alk about random stuff and i try to avoid anything serious. and hurtz me so bad inside to know i have to keep stuff from her when she needs me soo much. i wanna be the person she can lean on. i want to hold her when she cant stand, i want to love her when she feels alone. but most of all i want her to except me the way i am. and she does that. all the thing i am revealling to you guys, i have already told her, and in a way she says she undertands. she feels for me. she validates who i am. she shows me what i can be if i just trust and believe in myself. (omg, im tearing up soo bad)..

this is who i really am. to others that know me, this would seem like a lie. how could jeff be the insecure one? how could the smart guy evr think he isnt worth other peoples time? i cant answer these questions... i have no answers.. the hardest part about my depression, is not knowing why i a depressed. not knowing why i hurt so bad inside. throughout the years, i have learned to become a social ghost. people can see me, but im not really there(or the other way around?) doesnt matter. i wanna be the lifew of the party but my insecurities bog me down. i feel like i am too flawed to be around normal people. i cant see why they would even talk to meh! im not good enough. i cant talk to girls. plain and simple. im not smooth nor do i wanna be. i just wanna be able to be productive in my life. i want to be able to talk to people without caring what they think, or worrying about what they might say to me. i wanna be normal. thats all. i wanna be happy. what i would do to be truly happy for once in my life.

one song that i relate to the most is "i know you by henry rollins"
I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you...

i i just dont know anymore. i dont know what to think and it kills me inside to know that what i am going through, what i am feeling might be hurting my baby gurl. i wanna protect her. she needs someone to be there for her because i dont think she can handle muich more. i love her too much to let someone hurt her again.. but is it me that will end up hurting her? god i hope not. if my worst nightmare comes true and it is me that breaks her heart, that will be the day i am officially dead inside.. i need help. i cant do this alone. i wanna better myself and i realize what might be wrong with me. scratch that. what might be my problem. dammnit! words are so confusing, why cant i find the right words?
my self hate and indecision is killing me inside. i want a life in which i can be with my gurl and just be happy.

Hey, I've got BPD and so this topic sparked an interest in me. It definitely sounds like you have some borderline traits, but it doesn't sound like you have BPD from your description above. To me, it sounds more like depression and anxiety issues.

I'd definitely read up on the disorder, but realize that self-diagnosis is a dangerous thing. If you feel you've got a serious issue, seek professional help. A therapist has to observe you for several months, sometimes longer, in order to give you a diagnosis of BPD, so it's not just reading down a symptom list and checking them off.

If you have any questions, I'd be more than happy to help as best I can!

What are your parents like? Play and sports, etc?

Insecurity in broad terms is just not full recognition of one's self. It sounds to me like you're holding yourself back for an outside reason, but aren't sure if its your girlfriend or something within you. You'll have to ask yourself that question

And as Aanga said, you don't sound borderlined from what you posted.
Welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing your stories

thanks for the replies

uhmm, my father left me and my mother when i was born. ive never lived with him and i barely know him. he now lives in the same town as i do yet he doesnt call or try to see me. he plays in our local softball league and that is usually the only time i get to see him. i plan on playing next year, as you have to be 18 to play. my father once had a talk with me and tried to explain why he never tried to see me, and the best he could come with is, he really has kow idea why. he was a middle child like i am. he was sort of an outcast like i am. but his parents died when he was 16. i work with several of his friends and so many people tell me i am so much like him. and ive always wondered how this could be when i barely been around him. ive heard that BPD can be hereditary. maybe he has BDP, and thats why i have it? plus the abandonment issues come from his never being there? just a guess tho.

my mother is a very loving and involved parent. she cares greatly how i do in school, and what my plans are for my life. considering ive never really had any issues with her, thats really all i think i need to say.

i play football. im going to be a senior next year. i play guard and defensive tackle tho im only 5'9" 195lbs. haha. im a small linman but i get the job done.
i really enjoy baseball(why im playing softball next year).

any other things you want to know?

It still sounds like depression and anxiety.

Yes, BPD is hereditery, but so are pretty much all mental illnesses, so that's not something to really look at.

I'd definitely go see a professional. That's not a good situation to be in, but it does sound to me like you have clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

thanks again.
i searched these up and what im feeling seems to be alot more like generalized anxiety disorder.

i know its not right to use a "checklist" but most of these are what ive been going through.
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty controlling worry
Excess anxiety and worry that is out of proportion to the situation most of the time
Excessive sweating, palpitations, shortness of breath, and stomach/intestinal symptoms
Fatigue
Irritability
Muscle tension -- shakiness, headaches
Restlessness or feeling keyed up or "on the edge"
Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep; or restless, unsatisfying sleep)


i thank you guys for the help

im gonna a schedule an appointment with my friends mom(shes a psychiatrist). and see if she can lead me in the right way.