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raging bipolar

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raging bipolar

Postby lost831 » Mon Jul 12, 2010 3:06 am

I am exactly how the text book describes a manic depressive bipolar. And I have tried every medicine know to man. But I am extremely sensitive so the side effects hit me like a bullet. I can handle the mood swings sometimes. I tend to see signs being that I was raised by a bipolar mother. But here lately I can control my own anger and depression. Im overwhelemed working two jobs. And although I am greatful its starting to take over me. I dont spend time with my daught and I am a B**** to my husband. And my moods are so up and down during a spit of anger I blame everyone but me. And then other times like today I am so tiered and so weak and I dont wanna get out of bed. I feel like I cant eat. I shut everyone out. I am starting to loose control. I feel alone but I know there are other that deal with the drastic moods like I do. They are starting to ruin my life. One day I can stop talking and cleaning and all kinds of other non stop action. And the next I am screaming and freaking out like some kind of mad woman. Then I cant get out of bed not even for a glass of water. How do I find my middle ground in my own topsy turvy moods? :?:
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Re: raging bipolar

Postby Vandel » Mon Jul 12, 2010 4:43 am

I'll edit this this in the morning. I'm just too tired to pull any more thoughts together. Hopefully someone else will have tackled this in the morning. There's lots of posts in the bi-polar section. Don't be afraid to dig. Lots of users have posted lots of stuff. Try and have a good night. Peace.

---------------------------------

Took me a little longer to get to this than I planned... sorry...

lost831 wrote:I am exactly how the text book describes a manic depressive bipolar.


Knowing what you're up against is always a good thing. So you also know how hard this is to treat.

lost831 wrote:And I have tried every medicine know to man.


This is never an easy thing to process, but the meds are only one tool in your toolbox. This is a common misconception made by people taking them, and even more common for psychiatrists not to follow upwith counselling or other self-help processes that are supposed to act as compliments with the rest of the tools.

lost831 wrote:But I am extremely sensitive so the side effects hit me like a bullet.


For 26 years my mom was on meds, and all they did was cause to race Ostriches down the roadway when I was younger. Imaginary decented skunks she would sleep with, dancing with the pink hippo's under the clothesline, and I recall gremlins that lived under the kitchen table. She'd walk into walls and say the door moved. Random acts of crying and screaming fits. Emptying the kitchen cupboards in a flurry of rage. Odd part of this process. The meds caused this. She stopped taking the pills... the symptoms went away. She was taking so many of them it was an in house personal pharmacy. I think she was upto 16 pills at one time. Each counteracting the other and adding side-effects. She's settled on Celebrex and Lamotrigine... one for the downs, one for the mood stabilization. That's not to say she still doesn't have her bad days. I can say it's been a number of years since the police had to visit and haul her off because she was just a basket case. So... that's progress. In that... there are few pills that are cleared to treat Bi-Polar Disorder outright. It's truly a hit and miss. So you're definitely not alone in that one. It made for a very interesting childhood. ~sigh~

lost831 wrote:I can handle the mood swings sometimes. I tend to see signs being that I was raised by a bipolar mother.


These things are genetic. And there's a good chance at this point in the predisposition your daughter may develop it. It's not all a nurture process, there's a lot of nature in this process. You've isolated the source. So you know on some levels, it's not all your fault. That's not a cop out or an excuse, but there is a realization that this process is passable to children by either means. It's an unfortunate fact of life. I think you understand this. It's also very respectable that you have made an effort to get help, regardless of whether it's been successful. You've also clearly started to do some research, and by being here, you're still looking for a solution. It takes a lot to admit we have a problem, it's even more difficult to seek the help. Reflect on that, you're still able to do both.

lost831 wrote:But here lately I can control my own anger and depression.


That's also way more than some would be able to say. Give yourself a pat the back.

lost831 wrote:Im overwhelemed working two jobs. And although I am greatful its starting to take over me. I dont spend time with my daught and I am a B**** to my husband. And my moods are so up and down during a spit of anger I blame everyone but me.


Breakdowns are just that breakdowns. I have my own breed of them. Gone through two today. I'm certainly not making progress. I can accept that. Adrenaline is a peculiar beast. So are imbalanced hormones and chemical rushes when we feel we're in danger. I went through this process for 4 years with my ex-wife. It's destructive to everyone involved. You clearly understand that. You cleary also understand how important it is to get this undercontrol.

lost831 wrote:And then other times like today I am so tiered and so weak and I dont wanna get out of bed. I feel like I cant eat. I shut everyone out. I am starting to loose control. I feel alone but I know there are other that deal with the drastic moods like I do.


Well... sounds strange, but at least the depression keeps the anger under control. So your body is eventually able to regulate but it's just not able to respond quickly enough. Understanding a bit of the physiological cycle. I written this before in a couple of different places.

Way back when we lived in caves, and tigers with big teeth, and everything that moved wanted to eat you, we learned to run, be aware, assess the level of danger in our surrounding. Problem is we don't live in caves anymore, and the family cat frankly just doesn't look as viscious. It doesn't mean this system lies dormant. Alright... how the system works and understanding a bit more of the cycle.

The normal human liver stores about 100g of carbohydrates. When we percieve a threat the fight or flight mechanism trips the adrenal glands. This starts a very complicated process. And it happens really quickly. It had to, or we'd get eaten. So... the rush of sugar is dumped from the liver and flooded into the blood stream for use as 1st level recruitment from the muscles we would normally use to escape. Our heartrate increases, which causes us to breath faster, and prepare for oxidative recruitment once the sugar has run out. Pupils dilate to allow maximum light intake, and the rush of adrenaline heightens our awareness of our surroundings. Here's where the problem starts...

When you get a bout of anger, you're not running. You're standing and shouting, the adrenaline keeps flooding into your blood stream, and the heightened process keep elevating. I've heard of people actually having oobe's during this, dissociative amnesia of the incident, and depersonalization.

A couple things happen here. You either start acting aggressive, or you recognize something is wrong and you isolate yourself to calm down. Either way... the calm eventually sets in. It might take a while, sometimes days. And you get the depression. Alright. Your body oddly was responing exactly how it was supposed to. Only you didn't do what you were supposed to, you didn't run up the nearest tree, you chose to stay and fight. Once you retract a new wave of chemicals rushes through the body to reset itself.

Here we get cortisol as a precursor. It's triggered by stress. You mention you're under a lot of stress. So... we'll get to that in a minute.

The reset cycle. Something needs to be done about all these unused hormones, so the body dumps a bunch of insulin or whatever else it needs to get rid of the sugar, and your kidney's go on overdrive to rid the blood stream of the adrenaline. Since the sugar stores and the adrenal glands are now taxed from the anger outburst the system goes into a chemical shortage. Depression sets in. Sounds simple when you think about it. It's really not. Then you start craving carbs, at least I do. Think ice cream, chocolate, junk food, and the cycle is prepared to start over.

Commonly overlooked regulation techniques.

Exercise... 20 minutes. Doesn't have to be vigorous. Next time you're feeling bent out of shape, run... that's what your body is really trying to tell you to do.

Balance... mental, phsyical, spiritual... mental, take some time for yourself. Common misconception. The world won't end if you take some time for yourself. Take a bubble bath, light some candles, throw on some comforting music. Unwind... Take up yoga, involve the kids, it's simple, easy to do and releases feel good chemicals. Meditate, develop awareness and reflection. Fully identify your triggers.

communicate... once you've identified the problems, let other people know. Get it out, before it becomes a problem. Bottling is a definitive no no. If people won't listen to you in regards to your personal and environmental needs, well they probably deserve the butt kick. Compromise is a wonderful word. You're family is obviously, as you mention 'putting up with you'. So that means they're concerned on some level. Don't discount this. The more everyone understands the better. It's not just a you problem, it's a family problem. Implement a discussion period, set time aside. Don't do this during other functions, common mistake is to do it while at the dinner table. There's distractions, to fully have attention you should be just focusing on the discussion. Easier said than done. I'm sure you'll find, you're not the only one having a hard time. A family that communicates, and works together, stays together. I'd say they want this. Clearly you do to, as you're looking for solutions.

Diet... eat healthy. Also easier said than done. Fruits and vegetables, think apples, bananas, beans and legumes, dark greens, etc... along with chicken, eggs, fish, and most foods high in protein help regulate dopamine and other feel good chemicals. We are what we eat literally. Avoid high sugar foods, and caffeine. It's unfortunate, but these push the disregulation. Smoking, if you do, oddly helps regulate this process. I don't agree with it, and certainly don't take it up if you don't smoke. Avoid alcohol, and crutches.

Simple things... keep your mind active, and do things you enjoy. Sounds like you don't get enough of that. Again, the world won't end if the laundry goes another day without getting done, or the dishes stay an extra day in the sink. What goods, a clean home, if the members of the home it's meant to reflect are living a life of misery? Take the time to fix yourselves. The world will wait.

Sunlight... helps regulate happy hormones. 20 minutes, retinal contact, is very important. This doesn't mean stare at the sun. Sit by a window preferable with indirect sunlight. This is a good time to meditate, read a book, listen to some music. Grab a chair and stare at the clouds.

Things that flush out chemicals from our body to help regulate. Think water, and natural diuretics, such as decaffeinated tea, green, orange pekoe, whatever. Stay away from coffee, unless it's decaf.

Love and affection. Ask for a back rub... some cuddle time... hugs go a long way. Most guys don't get it. They really don't. And despite you may feel like you don't want to be touched, holding hands is a simple connection that helps regulate this process. The more you get used to the people around not being a threat and being their to help you, you might have an easier time also. Have a good cry... there's no shame in that.

Venting... constructively... journal. Write it out... expunge what is bothering you. This is not external communication. Get ahold of a crisis line number. Don't be afraid to use the services. Everyone knows having someone to talk to that's not directly involved in the situation can be extremely beneficial.

Teach others what to do. Figure out what would help you calm down naturally. This is entirely upto you, and not something they are going to be able to ascertain. They're not mind readers. Sounds strange also, but have everyone sit down where they are. When people take a passive position, they don't appear threatening. What you're having a problem with is feeling threatened. If they're really trying to help, let them, but it needs to be within what works for you. As you know, like the meds, if the tool isn't sorted to your needs, it's might as well not even be there.

Think outside the box when it comes to this sort of problem. As obviously what's in the box you know doesn't work. I wish you the best on your efforts for progress. Now if I could only muster up the will power to do what I know I need to. You're right... you're not a lone. You can do this, you have the drive. Be well.
Last edited by Vandel on Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: raging bipolar

Postby keylimepie » Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:44 pm

Well, my depressions never get so bad that I can't get out of bed, but the rages sound a lot like me. I managed to cuss out the hairdressers the other day for suggesting my son had lice (he didnt) and therefor not finishing his haircut. I mean...they kind of deserved it, but still. That just isn't okay behavior. I, too, would blame everyone else for my fits, would totally jump down my hubbys back over eveything, spend lots of tiem doing what i want and get aggrevated and irritated when I had to take care of the kids more or do chores or whatever, and then make excuses for acting that way. I mean, my kids can sure strike a nerve, but sometimes they were just being kids. i know my reactions were absurd. Fortunately meds have helped me, and I have found that upping my lithium has made it so rather than being constant the symptoms are spotty, but they are still there. I will be fine for most the day to a couple days and then have a brief bit where the symptoms come out stronger. Other times they are there but I can control them.

All I can say is that for me, before meds, the only way I could calm myself was to completely isolate myself. If i went and hid in the bedroom, lights off, under the covers, i would usually calm down, although sometimes that took longer than other times. Every now and then I would drive to the local school on the river and just sit in the carand listen to music and smoke and stay there until I thought I could return home without acting like a banshee. I know when I get like that, I have to remove myself completely as the presence of other people just makes it worse.
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Re: raging bipolar

Postby Vandel » Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:16 pm

keylimepie wrote:All I can say is that for me, before meds, the only way I could calm myself was to completely isolate myself. If i went and hid in the bedroom, lights off, under the covers, i would usually calm down, although sometimes that took longer than other times. Every now and then I would drive to the local school on the river and just sit in the carand listen to music and smoke and stay there until I thought I could return home without acting like a banshee. I know when I get like that, I have to remove myself completely as the presence of other people just makes it worse.


All good suggestions... indeed... really. Isolation is all that's keeping me going right now to. I'm not a people person, at all. Know your limitations, work within them. Don't push yourself past what you know you can do. Paper problem... I have strong disdain for paper problems. But nevertheless. I figure, the more I reinforce what I know, maybe, one day, I'll finally do what needs to be done. Kudos to you to... be well.
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Re: raging bipolar

Postby lost831 » Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:57 am

thank you so much for the time you took to spread some of your knowledge, experiences, strengths, and weaknesses with me. sometimes just knowing you are not alone help a little. As i read I laughed and then I cried and then I thought I was going a little crazy. But in the end it is all the more reason to try hard for self improvement. I no longer can live like this. I am loosing all that is me. I work with ppl in the biggest customer service industry. I love people. I love kids. And I am loosing that passion and I hate it. I am going to fight to get it back. I know days are going to be hard. I guess I'm just trying to find out why these days are harder then ever. But after reading some of what vandel talked about I thought of something. When I rage I do run. well part of me does if that makes any sense. I can see me telling me to stop but I cant. I forget parts of fights. And if I get really mad I black out. Im nice on second and then crazy the next. And then back to the nice calm cool collected me. Could this be multiple personalities. I mean call me nieve but I always thought it was like the movies where all side of me would have different names. But maybe they all have one. I think I'm going to try a new doc. Not tell him what I have been previously treated for and see what he might say. This is starting to really get in the way of my relationships. I have to find some kind of control.
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Re: raging bipolar

Postby Vandel » Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:21 am

lost831 wrote:thank you so much for the time you took to spread some of your knowledge, experiences, strengths, and weaknesses with me.


You're welcome... that's what we're all here for. Really...

lost831 wrote:sometimes just knowing you are not alone help a little.


I can't agree more. Being here over the few months has helped me tremendously.

lost831 wrote:As i read I laughed and then I cried and then I thought I was going a little crazy.


Well, you still have your sense of humour. That's cute... but a little of crazy, I think is what reminds us we're human.

lost831 wrote:When I rage I do run. well part of me does if that makes any sense. I can see me telling me to stop but I cant. I forget parts of fights. And if I get really mad I black out.


That's not that uncommon. When that much adrenaline is pumping through you. Dissociations, etc... I did mention those... so, you're experiencing it. You also mention trying to stop yourself, like you're splitting. Don't worry, this isn't split personality. I suffer dissociations... not rage related. But... nevertheless it's a bit spooky, and gotten me into some trouble, especially while driving. I have the scars to prove it. Know your limits...

lost831 wrote:Im nice on second and then crazy the next. And then back to the nice calm cool collected me.


That is what Bi-Polar does... 0-60 and back sometimes as fast you can realize what just happened.

lost831 wrote:Could this be multiple personalities. I mean call me nieve but I always thought it was like the movies where all side of me would have different names. But maybe they all have one.


This is the side-effect of the rage. The blackouts are signaled by the trauma caused. This is normal in regards to your brain trying to preserve itself. These things are there for a reason. Otherwise, we really would lose our minds. I can imagine this is also pretty scary.

lost831 wrote:I think I'm going to try a new doc. Not tell him what I have been previously treated for and see what he might say.


A second opinion never hurts.

lost831 wrote:This is starting to really get in the way of my relationships.


I have a breed of other issues that doesn't make it any easier. So I understand. You're working on the solutions. That's the main thing.

lost831 wrote:I have to find some kind of control.


Don't discredit the simple things I wrote before, they do help. You can also look in Dialectic Behaviour Therapy, it basically encompasses those same principles. Bounce this off the new Doctor if you can find one. I wish you best in your efforts for wellness. Peace.
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