Life is hard to deal with, isn't it?

So I somehow got myself together somewhat. I cleared the fog in my mind and can see things a lot more realistically. In the process, I have also somewhat separated myself from other people. Not physically, but in my mind. I now can see the possibility of not depending on others. At the moment, I am still depending slightly on some people, but with all the stress from the other parts of my life, it is only what you could expect.

Now my problem is that I am discovering that, no matter what happens, I can't find anyone I can trust for very long. This isn't paranoia or anything like that. It's just that, no matter how I look at it, if I do what seems right for myself, everyone is bad for me. Everyone is too much of something; either I don't like them or they are bad for me.

I'm not looking for someone perfect, but I'm just one of those people who is 'different', as in, I can never feel like I fit in. I know everyone is different, but I feel that everyone is too different from me to let me get close to them without hurting myself. Is this just the general nature of human relationships? I don't really understand human concepts and so on very well, so maybe I am over-complicating the matter in my mind.

Anyway, since it was on my mind, I thought I'd post on here and see what others had to say about it, perhaps to gain some insight into the idea. I know I haven't explained myself very well, but I just didn't really have the words right in my head. Some thoughts can be difficult to express at times.

Firstly you're not alone in finding it difficult to express what you want to say and feel in words.

It's good to hear that things are starting to be sorted out and that the fog is clearing.

There is nothing wrong with being independant, but i also believe there is a need to have at least someone who you can talk to and confide in. Someone you can share things with. Trusting poeple is a very hard thing to do. You say the problem is that people are too different from you and that that difference risks causing you harm. Fair enough i can understand that. I don't really 'fit' in to this workld unless i have to for work etcetera in which case i hide my true self in order to survive and function.

I have a friend whom i trust with everything about me. Too good to be true? Quite possibly yes in some circumstances, but these aren't ordinary circumstances. We met completely randomly and almost 5 years later our relationship is stronger than ever. We share lots and lots of interests, opinions and also life experiences. One thing about him which has no bearing on our relationship because we met before his diagnosis, but he has AS. Although i said it has no bearing that isn't exactly true. With his AS it means that he has a better undertsanding of what i'm going through (i don't have AS i have other issues). I have found someone by complete chance who isn't actually that diffrerent from me. Unfortunately he does live about 200 miles from me. I have other friends, one of them who knows quite a bit about me, but lives about 5000 miles away. The rest are to use your phrase, too different. I am still in contact with a very small number but, i hide a lot about myself from them.

Sorry, ramble over.

I think what i am bascally trying to say is that there will be at least 1 person who you may be able to develop a long lasting friendship with. Someone that you trust and can confide in. When i met my best friend i wasn't looking for a friend. I thought i had what i needed. Then this person came along and everything changed. I had found someone that i could open up to. I discovered more about myself and he was there when i was going through a particualrly bad time.

Good things quite often happen by chance and when you least expect or want them. Keep looking if you want and can, but also get on with what you are doing and you never know a solution might come to you.

No idea if this is of any help to you at all.

Good luck.

Ah, I don't know... I know someone who is more like me than anyone else I've ever met, and is probably the closest thing I could find to someone who is the same as me. They are quite similar, but there's just... something that isn't right. I don't know if it will pass or not, but I have trouble knowing what thoughts are reality and which are me lying to myself. I can lie to myself, believe things because I want to, without even realizing it. It's not that I know the truth and subconsciously lie to myself about it; I simply have trouble knowing which is reality and which is my own imagination, with my inability to judge things very well at all.

And the problem with not finding anyone who I can depend on is that I am the kind of person who needs that kind of anchor, something to lean on and hold me steady because I can't do that for myself like a lot of people can, even when I'm mentally quite stable. I just don't view the world in a way that allows me to function properly within it, and I'm not really sure how or why.

I'm not scared of people harming me all that much. I mean, it's not the risk that's the problem; it's worth the risk. It's just that I really can't feel connected to others like I want to. I just have problems like them not liking me or me not liking them, not agreeing with their view of the world (which is ridiculous because my view is so different from most others)... not liking some of their personality traits, more so regarding possible problems with anger, violence and mental stability... most people just seem stupid or boring to me, and to most people I seem annoying and weird. I dunno. I just feel really distanced from everyone else.

I can't really tell whether this is because I haven't met anyone similar enough to me, i.e. the problem is with the people I meet, or that I just can't ever feel that close to anyone, i.e. the problem is me. I just don't know. I mean, maybe my feelings of not belonging, not fitting in, being alone all the time, are just something about me I can't fix, a constant feeling of being detached from the rest of the world that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

It would be easier if I could make sense of anything, or if I had a way to know what's real and what isn't.

First things first, get your phone, pick it up and call some friends.

head out have an awesome time.

If you don't have any imminent friend(s), then go out for a night in the town.
If you don't have anybody to go out with, what's stopping you going out with yourself?

I live in Australia too, and believe me we are friendly ^___^
Go out, talk, chill, laugh, do what ever you want and like and you are bound to find
people that are the same as you, like what you like, and so on and so forth.

Don't stress about people not liking you, or you not liking them.
Good things come in time, so just search =]]

I'm having a lot of trouble making sense of my life. I feel like reality is constantly shifting, flickering about, like a TV changing channels rapidly, constantly...

Even though I'm a lot better now, things don't make much sense to me. I guess my problems used to keep me tied down to reality, and now being able to be free from them all, I don't have much to keep things steady in my mind, no stability... I don't know what to think or feel or believe. It's really confusing...

Oh, really?

I will not even hazard to debate the life being difficult. I've got Asperger's Syndrome. Life to me is about as related to other people as pickles and chocolate. Despite my knowledge that some pregnant women will completely disagree with me. Regardless. Anyone that knows me will tell you, that despite their ability to call me a friend, my view of the world is different and often unique. Most people on the Autistic Spectrum along with a few other disorders have a different view. I mostly focus on parts and details of things that are off, or very specific parts of things that are very perfect. I'm not interested in things that are normal or mundane, they are very boring, and uninteresting. Afterall what is so interesting about something that in iteself is not interesting? Is it not the things that are either special or dysfunctional that make us unique? And the combinations of these traits that make us who we are?

I'm 33. I have 1 really good friend. He's 84. I've known him 10 years. We discuss everything from nuclear physics, to classical music, to life the universe and everything in between. We have conversations that sometimes span 5 or 6 hours, and continue over days, and some that seeds over years and long spans of time. I know when he passes away I will more or less be alone in the world again in relation to friends. But there are also things that just can't be related with him or me in relation to him. I don't think it's possible to find someone who 100% understands you. And I think it's more related to your ability to tolerate the difference with that misunderstanding. My tolerance in very very small. So it's makes it hard for me to have anything more than 1 or 2 very close friends. I'm an introvert anyways. I see no part in large circle of friends, it's exhausting, and serves a function that doesn't serve a purpose to me. I don't really socialize on that level. I don't go out much, and I just don't like to party. A quiet day at the park, or at the library suits me just fine. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I can't even touch coffee. No medications. I have a literal fear of nearly everything that goes into my body. I read labels on everything. Tangent... I do that a lot... arghghg. Sorry...

I have other minor aquaintances, his wife, who is much younger but also very odd and peculiar. She's never really fit into the world either. A social defficient. I have talks with her but they are never as open or enthralling.

I have tried a couple of relationships. Those didn't ever work out very well. Hiding in closets to avoid confrontation, and being different never really went over well with my first marriage. A few relationships in between just went also totally wrong. I was married a second time, to someone I shared a lot of things with, but she had some very serious issues that resulted in me getting into a lot of trouble. We divorced but have since reconnected but we're seperated by a boarder and nearly 800 miles. I'm at this point accepting that a cabin in the bush with some cats is looking really good right now. I can garden, I'm mostly vegetarian, and I'm a very simple person when it comes to comfort and needs. Stuff requires time to maintain. To much stuff is very inefficient. Wardrobe is also a monumental thing of inefficiency.

They say you don't have friends unless you need something. What do you need in your life that you're missing? Is there something more specific you're attempting to discern? If friends don't serve a purpose why bother seeking that relationship? If you're fine in who you are, then be fine in that.

Nearly everything I do is strange anyways. It doesn't bother me, but it does seem to bother everyone else. And it makes it next to impossible to build work relationships and to hold a job. Computers worked out alright with me when I was programmer. I could go into the office at night when everyone went home so I could focus. Offices and groups of people give me severe anxiety, and I don't carry on office gossip very well. There's only so many discussions you can have about weather, and I'm not interested in sports. You're not alone in your social awkwardness.

Have you looked into finding out if you're just eccentric, or if there's really something going on here, like a Schizo Related Illness, or Autism Spectrum or something even just like ADD? OCD in an over compulsion to analysis? Could be lots of things, it also could be nothing more than diet. It could also be depression, it could be many things. I'm sure there's more going, there are people you can talk to. Just depends I guess what you really hope to achieve?

I understand what you mean. Life is always hard. Hard for everyone in different ways. Being bipolar makes you doubt every emotion you have. Do you really like that person or are you fooling yourself? Is that person really getting on your nerves or are you just hyper sensitive? It makes it hard to fit in anywhere. Only thing to do is try to remember to give people second chances. When they do something to offend remember that you do things to offend all the time. Then you just hope they will do the same for you. At least thats what I do to make it work. Hope that helps

Thank you for replying, especially to Vandel; I feel as though I can relate quite a lot to what you said in your reply. You asked what I am missing in my life to have this need for friendship? I never really wanted a big group of friends, although I tend to end up with a lot of half-friends I don't feel very close to at all. What I have wanted, for as long as I can remember, is one really close friend. Just one best friend, who understands me, loves me, cares about me... someone who just feels 'right', I guess. Maybe what I'm looking for is a real personal connection to something, instead of always being so distanced from everything.

Anyway, I've been thinking lately about seeing whether I may have ADD or something, but I'm not very good with people so it's not easy for me to ask about it or anything. I guess I just need to talk to someone about it, a professional, and see if I can figure myself out. I don't really know what I was expecting from this thread either.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what to think or feel, and I'm not comfortable with guessing...

1234321 wrote:Thank you for replying

You're welcome...

1234321 wrote:I never really wanted a big group of friends, although I tend to end up with a lot of half-friends I don't feel very close to at all.

Over the years I've fallen out of touch with a lot of people. Acquaintances do serve a purpose for some things. I have a huge e-mail list of people that I've tracked skills and such for over the years. I get e-mails occassionally from people I haven't talk to in 10 years asking something. Then we fall out of touch again. It's just the course of existence in purpose.

1234321 wrote:What I have wanted, for as long as I can remember, is one really close friend. Just one best friend, who understands me, loves me, cares about me... someone who just feels 'right', I guess. Maybe what I'm looking for is a real personal connection to something, instead of always being so distanced from everything.

So you've been able to identify the need. Those sorts of connections are about as reasonable to occur as finding the perfect life long partner. As you know, I've struggled with that myself. For one of my aunts she has that companion in a parrot. For some people they choose cats or dogs, they're not even human companions. There are plenty of animals in various shelters that are probably feeling pretty similar to how you are right now. Having someone you can go for walks with that is for the most part always up for it... who likes to play. It might help work over some of the social phobias as well. Be aware as you know, as that animals come with their quirks and distinct personalities as well to. So weigh that decision heavily if you choose to explore it.

1234321 wrote:Anyway, I've been thinking lately about seeing whether I may have ADD or something, but I'm not very good with people so it's not easy for me to ask about it or anything. I guess I just need to talk to someone about it, a professional, and see if I can figure myself out.

There's a lot to be said for seeking help if we think we're having difficulties. Only you know what you need. You're not the first person to be unsure about your lifepath or it's direction in relation to where you're going. I don't believe it's so much the journey, but how we got there, and what we did along the way.

1234321 wrote:I don't really know what I was expecting from this thread either.

I wouldn't worry too much about this, but focus more so on the fact you went looking for something when you had a feeling something was missing or wasn't right. A lot of very life-altering discoveries and models, theories and otherwise have been discovered by Eureka moments. Keep looking... you might just have yours. We have a unique ability as human beings to contemplate, introspect, and meditate on things that bother us, or we are trying to figure out. Any new skill you learn is a beneficial thing as far as I'm concerned. Build your tool box.

Think of it like this... when you were a kid and you went a restaurant they had the kids placemats you could colour on. They give you a pack of crayons. Usually no more than 4 colours, and basic, or the off colours from sets they couldn't get rid of any other way. As you get older, I like to think that each new skill is a new crayon. It's one more level of diversity, and one more thing that makes us colourful. You're never too old to learn. And I don't care what people say, you're never too old to be fascinated by what you can do with crayons.

1234321 wrote:I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what to think or feel, and I'm not comfortable with guessing...

When I was lost, had no idea where I was headed and what I was doing with it, I set out on a personal journey of self-discovery. It started out simply. I asked a question, what is my purpose? And the ever so famous, "Why am I here?"

From there I focused on what I did as a child. I spent a lot of time looking at the sky. Despite all my misgivings and failures I've had the opportunity to do some pretty fascinating things. Anyways...

I got into astrology based on my fascination with astronomy. That lead to the study of ancient cultures and eventually became very skeptical to it's principles. This is my black and white thinking that continually looks for the opposition to what I'm doing. I was born with a very scientific mind to hypothesize. Life is my hypothesis. I so far haven't proved that I've been successful. Past all this... That pushed into ancient history, physics, meta-physics, philosophy, and host of other subjects. I started writing a book. I don't know if I'll ever finish it, as lately I've been very distracted, and posting to the forums here over the past few days has helped get a number of things off my chest and distract me from a lot of my other ailing failures and plaguing behaviours. So I opted to try and be constructive. I did come here looking for others like me, to associate, and learn. So far... I know I'm not alone in my plight, and that others struggle just like me... just as you are.

I have severe fears in somethings, but I have never been afraid to pick up a book, or asks questions. That seems to be about the only real things I have going for me. The ability to learn. At the end of the day, I have to say to myself...

Despite my plaguing state of intellect to say it's been bad... I'm alive... therefore it's been a good day. Sometimes, easier said than done. But I try.