I'm a 19 year old male, and I have been dealing with emotional problems since I can remember. As a kid, I was pretty much a problem child, and my parents took my to a whole lot of therapists to determine what I had. But likely because I was the 'tell them what they want to hear' type, nothing was properly evaluated.
This year, I have spend a lot of time reading into and determining what I might be dealing with, as I undoubedtly am dealing with something. I've never been proffesionally consulted or diagnosed, which I don't see happening anytime soon. All of these foundings are based on what is the information available on the internet, and various forums. So maybe I don't have any of these conditions, and am I interpeting it the wrong way.
- Low self esteem/massive ego - narcissism? This has been a constant factor since I can remember, in a lesser or worse degree
The core of all my problems. However, I am certainly not delusional. It's in being painfully aware that I'm not as impressive as I want to be, that I try as much as I can to accomplish it. Intelligence wise, I am very glad I have a great intellect. I've always been considered highly intelligent, ever since I was a kid. I'm now in college, rolling through it with minimum effort. My intellect is one of the very few things about myself that I'm legitemedly content, and maybe even proud off.
The physical part however - dramatic. I'm very frustrated with my facial features. The point where I realized 'I'm not handsome' left a huge dent in my esteem. To compensate with this, I work out excessively hard. Combined with being 6'5 feet/195 cm, I have a very impressive physique. When it comes to strenght/size, my craving for being physically superior is quite well satisfied. But in the social sense of not being half as attractive as I want to be, my looks are the main source of my other problems.
So, atleast in my perception, relatively superior to almost everyone arround me, be it physically or mentally. I freely acknowledge a lot of my flaws, but I can't help but feeling better and more competent than others. With all of this, go constant fantasizing and craving for unlimited power, genius, attractiveness and wealth. Not because I thing I have all of these features, but because I can't stand not having them.
Because of this, npd seems to hit the nail right on the head.
- Bipolar? This has been apparent since late 2008
I constantly vary between the 2 extremes of depression and apparently hypomania. Depression can be triggered by anything. Within a matter of hours or days, I'm back at feeling horrible. During the depressive episodes, I almost lose all hope. Life doesn't seem worth living at all, and I don't see the future holding anything good. I constantly dwell upon my memories of highschool, my childhood, and how great it was. And it's not delusional tunnel visioned, my life back then really was 100x better than it is now. I even feel like that when I'm not depressed. However in a depressive episode, I constantly look through pictures of the past or see and listening movies or songs that remind me of that time or that I saw during that time. Suicidal thoughts are very common during this, but I never intend on doing it. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from it however, is my parents/family. I could never place the burden of the loss of their child on them, and living in guilt and sorrow for the rest of their lives.
The hypomaniac episodes, or atleast I call them that, are very frustrating. Suddenly I see the future as bright as ever, and I have a strong desire to work hard for it. I feel restless, have racing thoughts, and I can improvise in conversations with even to me, unexpected wit. I have all sorts of new ideas, plans and my head overflows with profound thoughts. When I lay awake at night in my bed, I have such deep analysations about religion, philosophy, origin of the universe, my own life, and everything seems to make sense, and it just hits me so deep. Sometimes the world arround me, whetter I watch movies, listen to music, play videogames, spend time with family, gives me such big boosts of euforia, that it overwhelms me and I can't seem to progress to happiness. It's hard to describe it rationally, but the most striking resemblence would probably be: having wandered in a desert for 2 weeks without food and water, and then finally returning to an all you can eat restaurant, but not being able to taste the food or drinks. Your thirst and hunger are satisfied, but you can't enjoy it. It's tasteless, sensationless. That is the essence of these episodes. I don't continously feel like this all the time during them, though. It's usually in a lesser degree, and just peaks on some days, especially towards night.
There are also mediocre episodes where it's a bit of a neutral mix between the previous 2. Neutral is all I can say about it. I don't feel good, I don't feel that bad. If you had to place depression in minus figures, and the hypomaniac ones in postive figures, this one would be steadily arround 0.
Borderline This has been apparent since late 2006/2007
Most of the problems associated with borderline, are also listed above in both of the previous paragraphs, and they seem to be interpetable in all conditions. So applying them to the symptom criteria:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Back in highschool I disregarded all my friends because I didn't want to be dependant on them. Up untill this day I have no form of social life, and refrain from engaging in friendships or any type of relationship to avoid attachement.
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
I don't thinkt he first part applies, as I also have never had a girlfriend. The second part however, hits the nail right on the head. Before I read into this, I always figured I was so objective towards people that I saw both their good and bad side. But now I realize I'm constantly analyzing whetter someone is friend or foe. When I'm not sure, I tend to ignore them untill they approach me so I can deteremine whetter I like or dislike them.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
I think this is very apparent from the first paragraph. I frequently put myself down infront of others, and openly make fun of myself. Because there are times I just loathe myself and it feels like I'm picking on someone else. Other times, I feel like I'm better than most others, and people accuse me of being arrogant. Another thing is that I always look at others to determine my own identity. Movies, videogames or people I know. I take inspiration from their looks, behaviour, way of speaking, mannerisms and (try) to apply them to myself. My obsession with working out actually started when I became a fan of proffesional wrestling.
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
I used to be very impulsive, but I have gotten a hold on that. Nothing self damaging though. Just short term impulses that I act on without thinking about it. Minor stuff like engaging in new activies or buying stuff and regretting it moments later.
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
Despite suicidal thoughts and threats, I've never engaged in self harming. At times when I'm really frustrated and angry, I will hit myself in the head or punch the wall as hard as I can, but never something that actually harms me.
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
This would be what I may confuse with the afformentioned episodes between feeling up and down.
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
This would be the feeling I described in the hypomania part.
- Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
Very reconizable, as I am incredibly volatile. Thankfully, due to having done 10 years of martial arts, I have good self control when it comes to physical violence. That's why despite blowing up in anger quickly, I haven't gotten into any physical fights...yet.
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
While I might be slightly paranoid sometimes, it's nothing out of the ordinary. The rest doesn't apply to me at all.
Sorry for this huge post, but it's so complex, that I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything. I'm really curious of your interpetations on this. As I have never had a second oppinion besides my own analysis. Your thoughts on this are very welcome. Thanks in advance.