What is wrong with me?

I've always been the way I am, but have never seen anyone else like me or with my mental afflictions. Ok. Here goes. I never know what to say to ANYONE EVER! I long to talk to people but it feels like there is a section of my brain that creates conversation that doesn't work properly. When I speak for a couple of minutes, I guarantee that I will lose my train of thought - this happens EVERY TIME I talk for over two minutes. I will totally forget what I am sayimg. I come across to others as a confident, fun person, in fact I'm a bit of a people magnet - people just like me! I can walk into a room and make it light up, and make everyone laugh, yet if I have to have a CONVERSATION with someone I actually have a panic attack as I have NOTHING to say. This causes me real problems in day to day life. In fact it's all I think about most of the time. Sometimes when I get bored, it get's to the stage where I don't even know what to think about inside my head!

Something I have not told you but may be very relavent is I am a proffesional actor - I'm paid to be someone else.

As I have said, I can walk into a room and make it light up - people constantly tell me their problems - this could perhaps be because when I do talk, I ask the person lots of questions about themselves, so they're talking, not me!

I am also an intelligent guy, and I am naturally very creative, particularly with music. I can even write scripts, and the words will come to me, with thought.

I percieve to be confident, funny and intelligent, I often use long words, - but really I am weak, self critical, and have nothing to say. I can stand on stage as a character and that's fine, I can even to a certain degree, make a competent (but previously prepared) speech, but I can not talk to anyone about anything!

I have probably tried everything anybody could suggest - I've told people, I've researched the process of communication, I even know how to tactically talk, - but not naturally.

I get told often that I am amazing - that I will do things others will not - that I can make people feel good, just by being next them, and I know that it is all a facade. When I go on dates, at the end of the night, the girl will think I am incredible, but I know everything I have offered on that date was a facade. I will sit there, being amazing, making people happy, whilst thinking that I feel so alone. This problem isolates me from the world.

I have never been able to have a 'proper' relationship EVER! I'm amazing until you get to know me, when the barriers come down and I have nothing to say.

I am also such an inconsistent person. Sometimes I'm amazing and I'm better than everyone around me, other times I can't handle the simplest of things. It is like my mind puts a block on the part of it that creates words, and general conduct.

This problem is the bane of my existence! It is really bad for me! If I knew I had some kind of mental disability, at least it would be some kind of closure, instead of thinking I am a freak!

As an actor I find improvisation very difficult to do, and I am confident with acting, so I deduce that it is not just confidence that is my problem. As i have said - it feels like there is a part of my brain that doesn't work properly.

I am very smart and have a highly intellectual understanding of most things, yet if I had to describe these things to someone with words - I couldn't - but I UNDERSTAND THEM! If I had time to think them out and write them down, I could probably write an intelligent understanding of the situation.

As I am writing, I am forgetting what my next train of thought is! Please someone help me! I need closure on this! I am actually begging for someone to HELP ME!

Hi Steve

There is nothing wrong with you. You sound great! Perhaps you are being a bit hard on yourself. Let me know if you want to chat.

A

WOW! It sounds like you are going through a lot of pain and confusion at the moment.

I don't have too much advise to give other than, being worried about something can sometimes cause it to be worse. I deduced that you get worried about the way other people perceive you (and even though you did mention that people tend to love you perhaps it is that pressure to be loved all the time, that pressure from you and other people that is causing you to stress out about not being able to string sentences together).

I am a perfectionist myself and find that I am constantly assessing the way other people view me and I know that it isn't a good thing at all but knowing that I am helps a little. So perhaps some other advise I can give is to assess your personality so that you know what your strengths and weaknesses are. Having a diagnoses on what mental illness you have (if there even is one) does not help nearly as much as knowing what your personality is like.

I hope that part of this is useful, if not, at least know that someone does care and that person is me <3

Warm regards
Joan of Arc

This is an unusual problem, and we can only guess how to solve it. I think you would really benefit from some therapy. Have you thought about it?

Dear Steve,


If you have always had this problem of losing your train of thought, then it is possible you have a mild brain disorder BUT no one outside of the mental health profession can diagnosis it. It also seems to have an effect on your self esteem. Whatever it is, it seems to be very mild and you need not panic. Perhaps your brain is just thinking way too quickly beyond the present and you need more focus.

Try some cognition/memory exercises and execise in fresh air more to keep the blood in the brain flowing nicely. If you are not eating properly or drinking enough water, perhaps your brain is not getting the nutrients it needs. DO a search for nutrients for the brain, cognition, memory, healing the brain and start there.

You keep saying your friends really like you , and do not notice a problem. If they are adults, there would have been some indication of a problem from someone by now and no one seems to be shunning you! They like being with you so you do not seem to have a social disorder . Just a few questions to ask yourself... are the friends you are with now old freiends or hangers on from the acting industry? Were you ever shy? How do good/close friends describe you? Do you have adhd?

If you really are worried, make a journal and write down when it happens, whether you have taken any drugs (precription/otherwise/alcohol) who it happens with, whether sleep deprived, stressed, disconnected, have other cognitive dysfunction and if you cannot pinpoint a reason, for it, then you will have some information to help with a possible diagnosis if and when you seek a professional's advice..

I have my own dysfunctions, so please use my advice with that in mind.


Good luck

kitty

Maybe your problem is not what you think it is! You sound like my wife! She constantly complains that she is different from everyone else. That she has to pretend in front of others; That her memory and speech are defective; That she sounds juvenile; etc. My wife has problems, but these are not it. instead she suffers from bouts of depression, anxiety, low self esteem and occasional paranoia.

Now I am not saying that you have the same problems as my wife, but the problems you have may not be ones you think you have. I will tell you what I tell my wife: Do not trust your gut and do not think with your feelings. For example, you say that when you are on a date, you put on a facade but inside you think how you feel lonely. Well you are not lonely, you just feel that way. Obviously you are on a date with a girl. But your feelings do not correspond to reality. Perhaps your entire problem is that you think that there is something wrong with you because you FEEL that there is something wrong with you. Again feelings are horrible indicators of reality.


I would suggest that you see a therapist and maybe even a psychiatrist. If there is something wrong with your brain than you should do this. Perhaps you have ADHD or something. There is no stigma in doing this, and modern medicines are quite safe and effective. I myself am taking Celexa for depression and let me tell you that medication is way less harmful than a glass of vine every day.

This is so so so weird. I was googling and searching the internet for something like an answer to my problems and I came across your post and it sounds...exactly what I'm always going through. I don't know what it is and I can't figure it out. My parents/family think that its just ADD and anxiety but it's NOT--I do have attention/concentration issues but even when I'm around people I know well and am comfortable with--I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. It's like living in a perpetual state of confusion--I experience everything, absorb things, I understand what people are saying...I just can't remember or relate parts of my own life to relate. I'm also intelligent--I got into a very competitive college and I got really good grades in high school with hard classes. It's just that everything is so discombobulated and disoriented in my head in terms of words...even if I understand things or have an opinion I just CAN'T figure out how to SAY it!! I thought that I had dementia or something my first year here, I thought it was a fluke I got into college and must be the stupidest person on the planet--I went to counseling and had all these tests done and everything was freaking normal!!! The tests actually said I was fine--I took this one super intense intelligence test, the official Wechsler and I scored very high. The lady was like, blah blah, you'll be fine, just work on your anxiety and figure out some coping mechanisms for your attention issues. Load of crap. Those issues are only the tip of the ice berg. I will never be able to be in a normal relationship because I can never relate to other people if I have nothing in my head and no thoughts to offer. I can make vague general statements on things like, "oh, I like that", "That's cool", or "how are you doing"...but even explaining WHY I feel those ways is so hard...everything is just stuck and tangled up in the mud and muck of my brain. Sometimes in a paper I will be able to intelligently explain some obscure concept and my teacher will think its amazing--last year for these two papers in a class I got A+'s---my teacher said he didn't usually have students who went to that depth and quality--and guess what--I can't even really remember what I wrote on. I have another paper for something due Monday. I've been working on it for a week and I just can't write anything. I'll probably fail it and write some kind of piddle that I can barely get out and won't even make sense. My middle school siblings could write more. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????

I come across and normal and funny and cute when people first meet me...but it just spirals downhill after that. I feel awkwardness acutely so I end up avoiding the people--for their sake and mine. It's not just anxiety. I have just as little to say to my family members, it's just not awkward to stand around them saying nothing and enjoying what they are saying. I went on a date recently that a friend set up and it was fine--we covered on the general things that people cover--school, favorite classes, the people we know in common........so he asked me out again but I CAN'T go because he doesn't freaking realize that I have NOTHING to say to him!!!! I can be goofy and cute if the other person is doing all the talking by making general comments on what they are saying...but I can't go beyond that. It's like walking around with a cloud inside my head. I can't relate anything clearly and I can't even figure out how to express my opinions.

I want there to be a diagnosis too...like closure...and know that I'm not the only person in the world with this issue. Is it a chemical imbalance? Is there something I can take that would be like giving glasses to my brain to make everything clear? Will it be like this the rest of my life? I'm going to end up working in the fast food industry. It's so pathetic it's almost funny. Many times I wish I were dead. No worries I'm not committing suicide.

People who barely know me think I'm this perfect person. I'm attractive and smart, talented in all these random ways, nice when we meet. It's like I'm fated to go through life avoiding people so that they can never get past that stage--at least then people won't realize that I'm actually an awkward and empty-headed freak. I dress nicely, continue to avoid, wrap myself in cloak of people's preconceptions, hoping they won't realize that there is nothing and no one inside.

Is there anyone else who experiences this? Does anyone know what my problem is? PLEase please please please please help...

and whoever posted what I am replying to...have you figured any things out? Even small things? Does what I'm saying sound similar?

You actually have a panic attack? That explains a lot. It's perfectly natural to freeze up and even fail at something if you consistently experience fear as a result of attempting it. Imagine if someone put you in a room with someone, demanded you have a nice chat with them, and then put a gun to your head. That's probably how you feel every day, and your conversation quality is suffering as a result.

You say that you attract people? People with severe social anxiety, or autism, or whatever else might cause this, probably don't. I would suggest looking into anti-anxiety medications, even if just temporarily, so you can regain some confidence in your social skills. Because your social skills probably aren't the problem here.

(I experienced this all throughout my teenage years.)

I can't believe I FINALLY found my exact condition put into words. Revenge4steve and janke, I can fundamentally relate to EVERYTHING you guys are saying (especially the being chatty one minute, and not being able to handle the simplest things the next, and having a cloud in your head). It's like my life events are tests that I cram for and then forget the next day! Even though I experience things, I HEAVILY lack common sense and I feel like I have the brain of a 10 year old because my brain is unable to process my experiences. I live my life by trial and error, only I lack the ability to learn from my mistakes, and the older I get, the larger the consequences of my mistakes. Something that may be just me is that I can't even form my own opinions, because my brain can't analyze/process anything, only absorb, and then forget.

In conversations, I too am only able to ask questions and make general comments (and that's on a good day!). I agree with janke that high anxiety is definitely NOT the cause, but an effect. Even when I'm alone and calm, I still can't think clearly. I underwent CBT with my therapist to (temporarily) treat my anxiety, but I still can't find a way to address the fundamental issue of NOT BEING ABLE TO TRULY UNDERSTAND OR ABSORB ANYTHING!

It can DEFINITELY relate to the desperation you guys (OP and janke) feel, as I have NO IDEA how to, as janke so aptly put, "give glasses to my brain". Usually ignorance can be corrected by reading books as doing research, and lacking common sense can be corrected by corrected by going out and experiencing things, but how in the world do you combat stupidity(for lack of a better term, and only directed at me)? It is SO FRUSTRATING to be stupid, but smart enough to realize you are stupid. If ANYONE knows what this is (I reaaalllyyy hope there's a better term than stupidity, for my ego's sake) and has even the slightest idea how to "give a brain glasses", PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share; you have no idea HOW MUCH I would appreciate it!