Anyone left with so much anger inside?

I've been dealing with a lot of trauma and anxiety for the past few years and while it's cost me a lot of things, the one thing that kills me every day is that it cost me the best relationship I ever had. I was having so many problems and dealing with all these personal demons, long-story short we were both totally dedicated to each other but I dropped the ball and grew distant from her, started ignoring her and pushing her away etc..... not because I wanted to, but because I could barely handle getting out of bed most days, much less handle a relationship.

This was over two years ago and not one day goes by that I don't think about her, I miss her like crazy. This turned me into such an angry person, I've been so angry at the fact that I developed these mental health issues and they cost me the person that I loved with all my heart. It seems so unfair, I was a very different person before I started getting horrible anxiety and having all these issues.... I was the person she loved, I wanted to spend time with her, take her places and just live a normal life together. Then I was cursed with all these problems and I lost all of that.

Has anyone felt this angry about their condition? It's turned me into such a cold, bitter person.... I always lived my life right, tried to make good choices, helped others etc., and now I'm paying like the worst of criminals. Living with some of these mental disorders is literally like being in prison. I lost my love, I've lost my dreams, it's pretty hard to move on with life when you can barely leave the house without having an anxiety attack.

How do you cope with the anger?? I feel so angry at life, god, a higher being, or whoever put me through this path. If it was not for all my personal demons, I would be living my life the way I dreamed. I had the love of my life, I had so much ambition and so many goals literally planned out, I was a very gifted athlete.... now I can barely go to the damn grocery store without panicking and I spend my days wasting what should be a precious gift of life.

well there is no god, but believe me I deal with anger, constantly consumes at me, my concience and every fiber of my being tells me to get some revenge but I dont know what to do, there are certain situations where revenge is needed

I feel you on the revenge part, I don't even know who I want revenge from, I just know I want it, I feel like the world owes me for taking my best years away. It's literally as if I got locked up for a crime I didn't do b/c I'm losing precious years that I will never get back, and who knows how long my sentence will last.

Yes one inside me has much anger as well. People anger me, life angers me. Jealousy, anger, rage, inadequacy, sadistic humans who love to take advantage of me.

Yes, I've grown fond of this anger. It's more or less a snake that bites, yet the bite feels sexual in a masochistic way. Like that. The anger has created, and still creates, a stronger entity within me, and Father is what that anger is, a form of training.

I'm always on the lookout for people to attack me, it's intended - it's the nature of life! As I type this I'm ready for a human to attack me mocking me, but it makes no difference to me, for I admit to being a total lout and pathetic scum - the scumiest in existence, and everything negative imaginable to man. But guess what? I take pride in being the scum that I am, and life's insults are compliments to me.

Everytime I open up to the world (like now, that I chose to respond), i know I'm at war, for no one is your friend, and they are out to get you. I welcome it now, i've grown fond of it; dare i say, I find it sexually pleasing, and not entirely in a masochistic way, but i find me sexual, in that I feel like the filth, and that my haters are the audience that puke at me - i've grown fond of this puke and find it appetizing.

You will grow to find life's dross pleasing as well, just like I do. If you cannot have the gold, why not get used to accepting the beauty of dirt? Afterall, the mind is that which perceives.


"/-\__/p\"

Relationships can be complicated and incredibly volatile even for people without serious mental defect or damage. I suspect someone with a mild to medium case of mental damage could be pushed over the line in the normal course of a long term relationship.

To still care about someone who dumped you two years ago says to me that you haven't been in a lot of sexual or long term relationships. Additionally, many people hold a belief that the first person they have sex with is bound to them forever according to some sort of godly eternal love. I have found this to be untrue - however many people will be beholden to this belief potentially to the point of criminality.

There is also the possibility that this woman wronged you in some way, and that your anger towards her is justified and reasonable. If this is the case, there may or may not be steps you can take to rectify the situation...but be sure they are reasonable and legal, and not based in psychosis or false beliefs.

It may be tricky to start a new relationship with a new person - is the problem that your still believe the dumper is your true love, and that is preventing you from starting a new relationship? Be careful about getting too attached to any one person, and although long relationships are nice, it's essential to know when they're over as well and to move on with your life and don't dilly in the past excessively. You need to move on.

If you're having trouble forming a relationship with new women because of other reasons, there's hookers in Nevada. Although many would call me insane for even suggesting such a thing, I think in any case where a person is dumped and is having a hard time letting go, some casual sexual interaction with a stranger (who will possibly listen and comment on your situation!) might be helpful.

I don't think you read my post very well,

First, Well I can't have a serious long-term relationship b/c of my condition, it's very hard to have a girlfriend when you get a massive panic attack just going to the grocery store or gas station.
A hooker is the last thing I need, short, meaningless purely sexual relationships are ALL I can have as I can be doped up on benzodiazapenes for a few hours, and literally hit it and quit it and never see the person again. Take it from me, it doesn't help much.

Second, she didn't dump me, I dumped her. Like I said, with all the personal demons in my life it's just impossible to hold a relationship very long, I dumped her b/c it was the right thing, I'm paying a hell of a price in life and I can't just drag someone else down with me.

Third, I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at my situation for costing me one of the greatest people I've met in my life along with every other dream and illusion I had fallen in love with. From business goals, to personal goals, to the woman I loved... I was healthy, happy and on track, we had a great relationship etc. but then my world got flipped around after suffering PTSD, panic, depression and all sorts of issues. It's tough having it all and losing it, that's what I'm angry about. As far as why I dumped her, I had to..... I couldn't even go out with her anymore b/c I would panic everywhere, I couldn't even answer the phone sometimes b/c I would panic over the phone, she would spend so many night crying b/c I wouldn't spend any time with her (I could barely leave the house) I don't care how much love there is, a relationship can't survive like that, and no woman deserves to be put through that, so I killed it off.

I beat myself up over a similar set of events some decades ago. I
Coming from a lower middle class background and having learning problems, I somehow found much success in college. In college the tests were almost all multiple choice. I was not stupid, but I had trouble composing answers. I also became an athlete by making the college wrestling team and setting the all-fraternity sit-up record of 4010 situps. I was a big man on campus. However, I drank a lot and tried all the drugs I could get a hold of. Right before my graduation, I was hauled off to a locked ward where I sat for a month. After my release, I was kept in a semi-dazed state with medication for a long time. I had planned to marry my girlfriend, but when I got sick, she left. In a few months, the medication took my athletic body away because the pills made me gain over 100 pounds above my wrestling weight.

I felt full of rage and self-pity for years. I had it all, then lost it all and then some.

Today, my life is good and has been good for years. My life changed when I went to AA. I have not had a drink since my first contact. The AA people and the AA program showed me how to take care of my problems. I have found a great deal of help with martial arts, jogging, journeling, helping others, and self-help groups like Recovery, Inc. There are many things to do to deal with the rage. On my website I detail many of the things that have helped me. I suggest you start out with some sort of exercise program since you once were a star athlete.

Good Luck,
Jim S

I was thinking about this last night, and I have a new theory. You mentioned PTSD, so I'm going to assume you were a soldier. I think there may be a cultural difference between military culture and civilian culture - in particular, in the military when someone says something is "dangerous" they're usually under-stating the danger. In civilian society, when someone says something is "dangerous", they're typically over-stating the danger. So when your liutenant tells you the east side of the city "may contain small elements of danger" you feel a strong sense to avoid that area since there's probably hostile gunmen in the area. Or worse. But in civilian society, when someone tells you that those germs are going to kill you, they're trying to sell you something.

Did that help? Also you may have some cultural shock when interacting with people also? The rules on person-to-person and group interaction are different in civilian and military society - you will have to re-learn how to be civil. Fixing problem #1 might help you with #2 also. If you're a smoker, that might also get in your way, since most civilians discriminate against smokers.

Was that helpful? Sorry my last response wasn't accurate - I profiled you, and I think I may have done it incorrectly. Is this new answer better?

Though I'm not a soldier you are somewhat close in your response. I apparently developed PTSD from witnessing a near death accident.... I'm assuming I was just pre-disposed to it b/c quite frankly I didn't feel all that tense during the accident, but I'm guessing any little stressor would have eventually triggered all my problems.

I was a wrestler in high school and turned into an amateur bodybuilder in college, that's something I've kept up with but it's just not the same, it was fun interacting with fellow people that were into the same activities and building a social network around it... I still train b/c I love the sport, which in an of itself is a positive thing I suppose, the gym is the one thing I can still do even with my depression and horrible anxiety. There's more to me though, I've always been labeled a jock but I had a lot of other things I wanted to accomplish, raise a family, perhaps start a small business, travel, volunteer etc.
Those things seem very distant when at this point i get anxiety attacks just being in line at the grocery store (almost blacked out just a few days ago b/c i was such a nervous wreck while checking out, start to get lightheaded and dizzy, luckily I made it out).