My life is in turmoil

Hi everyone, obviously this isn't too easy for me to talk about but I need advice and there aren't many options for me to get it. I don't want to say my whole story, so I'll just go through it with good ol' bullet points.

* I've had "illusions" since I was 8
* I've had "hallucinations" since I was 15
* I've never had someone in my life I can talk to
* I'm 20 years old, male. Living in New Zealand.
* I've wanted to kill myself since I was 8 but am incapable of going through with it
* Even though I've given up on having a decent life for myself I keep trying, and I keep failing
* I don't have the energy to work, it takes enough to get out of bed in the morning, this started for the worst when I was 15. Five years ago.
* Any 'relationship' with a woman has ended in a lot of pain for me, with suicidal thoughts.
* I can't get over losing someone without completely wiping them from existence (or at least, from my existence).
* I'm on welfare, "invalids benefit" which is more or less permanent; I am VERY poor and have been my entire life.
* I had about a year of mental health treatment, I told them most things except about my failed relationship that affects me, and suicidal tendencies as I can not bring myself to talk about them.
* I was told I have dysthymia depressive disorder and was given prozak. It did more bad than good.
* I avoided my family at all costs, it was hell, I can not turn to them because if they can not see something, it does not exist. Cancer is real, mental illness is not; to them. No, I'm not lazy.
* My mother who sometimes texts me or calls me, and I hate hearing from, is suspected to have schizophrenia; I remember her to be extremely paranoid, she once hit some nice people visiting us. Her paranoia of people like doctors and police is unfathomable.
* I have very few people to ever talk to; most are online. I depend so solely on anyone who is nice to me that it pushes them away. In a relationship I need constant reassurance and affection to a damaging degree. I can control it for the most part, but I'm always constantly scared to death of being cheated on... again. It's a thought that NEVER leaves me alone, and it hurts.

Any help or advice is appreciated, but honestly I don't think anyone can help me. I don't really even have the energy to ask for help, or the confidence of relating my problems to people anywhere but here.

Please, ask questions.

Hi, Ilae,
Welcome to our forums.
You have done a fine job of recounting your symptoms and problems.

Ilae wrote:* Even though I've given up on having a decent life for myself I keep trying, and I keep failing

You still have a spark of life left in you. You are still willing to try. That means alot.
Are you taking any medications now?
Do you live alone?
Are you receiving any sort of therapy now?

puma wrote:Hi, Ilae,
Welcome to our forums.
You have done a fine job of recounting your symptoms and problems.

Ilae wrote:* Even though I've given up on having a decent life for myself I keep trying, and I keep failing

You still have a spark of life left in you. You are still willing to try. That means alot.
Are you taking any medications now?
Do you live alone?
Are you receiving any sort of therapy now?

Hi Puma, I appreciate your response very much.

I really believe I'm only trying because I don't have it in me to end it.

I take no medications and have only ever been given prozak (fluoxetine hydrochloride) and seroquel (queitiapine fumurate).

I have lived alone for 2 weeks, I tried living with my family again and couldn't handle it.

I recieve no therapy, I was with some free mental health organisation (and can afford no better) that helped with some life issues, but nothing for the illness itself, I don't think their diagnosis is correct; maybe partially. They recommended me to a GP a while ago, I didn't ask for appointments because they couldn't really help. As for the GP, I never make appointments with him, it costs $30 a time, money I need for food.

Is there really no help for me?

Ilae wrote:Is there really no help for me?

I suggest you explore all our forums, and see which ones relate to you the most. None of us here are professional therapists, but I'm sure there are some folks here who share similar experiences. Read what they have to say; that might be useful.
Don't freak out if your posts aren't responded to quickly. Somebody eventually gets to the posts. Its okay, babe.

Hi Ilae,
It is difficult for me to make out what you have, but I am in a similar position, I'm on the same kind of welfare in Canada. I know it's hard to get out of the situation. I think the only option is to muster up the strenght and go back to the mental health councelling you were on. I know the medication they gave you was no good, but maybe one of the next ones will work better.

Thanks Puma and Philo.

I think it's just that free health services aren't very good; and a paid professional is about $90/hour. Needless to say, I can't afford that.

My friend told me I should move to Australia with him and his mom (who has been very nice to me in the past and says she'd be glad to have me there) and we'll go get our own place after a couple of weeks. I might do this because then I'd have friends and what not there, which could be a lot of help. My friend has had a similar viewpoint on things and can understand where other people can not - he even suggested we could try getting a job together, so at least we have each other to kick the other out of bed, or just to talk to while working so we aren't so alienated.

The main problem for me is that its going to cost maybe $800 to move, I know it's not a lot of money to some people... but... to me... Well, I'd get enough back from the bond and my final arrear of payments; but of course I need it before then, can't find anyone to lend it to me either

I've been considering trying to work one day a week on Monday or something, going to see how it goes.

I don't really think it will work out, but can you blame me for not being optimistic? I'll give it a try though.

Really?

My life is and has been in termoil for several years. My goodside I lost for, well I can't find it. It's burried in a succummed to this worlds stigma against mental illness and I wouldn't mind to find it again.

We have a Baker Act in this state, ant disfuntion and anyone can pull you from the street. It takes a secluded day to get all done and the hallusinations ect. can push you into saying I live this tormented life. Termoil has a usual breakpoint, stay up in your attitude which this 40's finds helpful. For over 15 diagnosed and all I can do is cope with the skills.