- * I've had "illusions" since I was 8
* I've had "hallucinations" since I was 15
* I've never had someone in my life I can talk to
* I'm 20 years old, male. Living in New Zealand.
* I've wanted to kill myself since I was 8 but am incapable of going through with it
* Even though I've given up on having a decent life for myself I keep trying, and I keep failing
* I don't have the energy to work, it takes enough to get out of bed in the morning, this started for the worst when I was 15. Five years ago.
* Any 'relationship' with a woman has ended in a lot of pain for me, with suicidal thoughts.
* I can't get over losing someone without completely wiping them from existence (or at least, from my existence).
* I'm on welfare, "invalids benefit" which is more or less permanent; I am VERY poor and have been my entire life.
* I had about a year of mental health treatment, I told them most things except about my failed relationship that affects me, and suicidal tendencies as I can not bring myself to talk about them.
* I was told I have dysthymia depressive disorder and was given prozak. It did more bad than good.
* I avoided my family at all costs, it was hell, I can not turn to them because if they can not see something, it does not exist. Cancer is real, mental illness is not; to them. No, I'm not lazy.
* My mother who sometimes texts me or calls me, and I hate hearing from, is suspected to have schizophrenia; I remember her to be extremely paranoid, she once hit some nice people visiting us. Her paranoia of people like doctors and police is unfathomable.
* I have very few people to ever talk to; most are online. I depend so solely on anyone who is nice to me that it pushes them away. In a relationship I need constant reassurance and affection to a damaging degree. I can control it for the most part, but I'm always constantly scared to death of being cheated on... again. It's a thought that NEVER leaves me alone, and it hurts.
Any help or advice is appreciated, but honestly I don't think anyone can help me. I don't really even have the energy to ask for help, or the confidence of relating my problems to people anywhere but here.
Please, ask questions.