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Extreme depression

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Extreme depression

Postby glowstone » Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:13 pm

Hello everyone, I've been dealing with depression my whole life, and at all times I seem to have atleast symptoms of mild depression. I'm also diagnosed Bipolar and take medication for it and also suffer from anxieties. Lately I have fallen into a severe depression that just seems to be swallowing me whole. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love very much and she is doing her best to help me through. This only furthers my depression because I feel bad that she has to deal with me when I'm like this. Everything to some extend seems to fuel my depression, my job, my house and lack of keeping up with it, how much I dislike myself, my family specifically my dad. Everything in my life seems great however but I still feel this horrible pain.

The previous weekend I went camping with my girlfriend and friends, I actually felt good, and forgot about everything that caused me pain and I had a really good time. However as soon as I returned home it started. Last weekend I went on a trip with my girlfriend and I still felt the depression even though I was at a place I loved.

I feel like I'm falling further into a pit, it's effecting my work, my home life, all I want to do is lay around, sleep, or watch TV. I have no drive to do anything. I sleep a lot and still wake up tired. Lately I have been thinking about just dieing.

I don't know what to do anymore.
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby InquisitivePursuer » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:37 pm

Can you talk about your feelings with your girlfriend?
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby glowstone » Tue Sep 12, 2017 3:28 pm

I do talk to her but it's starting to feel like I'm just being a burden to her and I don't want that. I talked to my mom a couple of days ago, and although she seems to care I really don't believe she does. Since then she hasn't even sent me a text just to ask my how I am. I just want someone to care about me and be proud of who I am. It seems all I face is negativity every day and it's killing me.
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby Leili » Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:37 pm

Do you have a therapist? A good therapist can help you with coping skills and working on your relationships with family.
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby glowstone » Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:58 pm

I used to go to therapy, but now I really don't have time to go. It takes me forever to even open up to a therapist as well, and even though I had been seeing my last one for a bit, I still didn't want to open up. There has been talk about my family, but she gave me no direction at all on how to handle it.
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby InquisitivePursuer » Tue Sep 12, 2017 8:29 pm

glowstone wrote:I do talk to her but it's starting to feel like I'm just being a burden to her and I don't want that. I talked to my mom a couple of days ago, and although she seems to care I really don't believe she does. Since then she hasn't even sent me a text just to ask my how I am. I just want someone to care about me and be proud of who I am. It seems all I face is negativity every day and it's killing me.


Is it perhaps so that some unresolved issues with regards to your dad and/or mother are eating away at you?

Do you have a clue of the source of your sadness or resentment?

The way i see it,
and i speak from personal experience,
the better you understand what is actually preventing you from uplifting your self,
the more equipped you can become to deal with the internal threats to your system.

It can look very daunting, we know,
yet it does seem like you could use someone who wants to understand you,
and care for you.

Well i do wanna help you out in case you might be willing to ventilate your distress.

A burden that's shared is halved.
''Choice, not chance, determines your destiny.''

''It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.''
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby glowstone » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:43 pm

well, i'll try to keep this as short as possible. There are definitely multiple things triggering this. I suffer from bipolar disorder, which I am being treated for, and currently take medication. I have a pretty good grip on my bipolar disorder, and can catch symptoms early when I feel i'm going manic or having a mood swing, I am however not so good at catching the other end of the spectrum when I start to take a dive, and I'm not good at recovering from it.

The last time I remember being this bad was close to 2 years ago, I started dating a girl, but it ended pretty quickly. I was working with my doctor to work myself off a medication that simply wasn't working at the time, and I crashed hard. I had to take a day off work and went home early 2 other days because I was so incapacitated by this. I was seeing a therapist at the time and she said I either stayed with my parents until I started to feel better or she was going to commit me. I took the obvious choice and stayed a couple days at my parents house. This was all over within a couple days and I started feeling better, I blame that crash primarily on the medication.

Fast forward a bit until I met my current girlfriend. My girlfriend has some mental illness issues caused by her mothers complete neglect for her as a child, she ended up being adopted by her grandparents at a young age. She had a pretty good pdoc, and at the time I had been trying to find one, but couldn't due to them either being at capacity or a very long wait. She put in a word with her pdoc for me and 2 weeks later I had an appointment, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have been working ever since then to improve my bipolar. I recently switched bipolar meds because I couldn't handle the side effects any longer, but for over a month I was perfectly fine, actually felt fairly happy.

I also suffer from horrible anxiety, and a couple weeks ago I had a horrible panic incident that went on for a couple days. This really brought me down to rock bottom, but I gradually started to improve, until one day I woke up and had this horrible feeling of dread. So going on about 2 weeks now i'm still feeling this, with little to no improvement.

Now on to what I believe is triggering me. I know one major thing is I don't like who I am, I tend to dwell on it, especially when I am depressed, sending me into a downward spiral, like quicksand, no matter how hard you fight you just seem to get deeper. For some odd reason I feel like my girlfriend is going to leave me, and that is partially triggering me. I've never loved someone as much as I love her and I don't understand what she sees with me. I think she is just going to walk out on me at any moment.

I work at my parents business, and in the future my sister and I are supposed to take the business over. My father and I never had a good relationship, he constantly puts me down, he can never give a simple "you did a good job", its always something about what I did wrong. My sister pretty well treats me the same way, as if i'm inferior to her. I try to give my input into this business, and try to be involved, but it always seems to end the same way. When I try to ask why i'm not being included, the blame seems to always be shifted back to me, that i'm not involving myself. I feel like I work very hard, and put it a lot of hours there, going above and beyond most times, but I still feel like i'm looked down upon, that nobody approves of me, and that I could be replaced in a heartbeat and nobody would even notice i'm gone. This causes a lot of pain and anger to me since I feel like I have dedicated so much time and energy, as well as have contributed a lot to the business, yet i'm still treated like a second rate, disposable employee. On top of it, I get depressed then fall behind on my work which makes me look bad and makes me feel even worse, which just puts me further behind. Its like a never ending cycle that I just can't break free of. Work causes a ton of stress which triggers my depression.

My mom tries to understand, but I hate trying to talk to her about how I feel, because it just ends up making me feel worse. She really doesn't know what to do, and never seems to give me any kind of help or input to make me feel better like a mother should. Knowing how I feel, she doesn't even just send me a text to check up on me, which makes me feel even worse. I don't want to have a relationship like that.

I also own a house and i'm falling behind on projects and chores here. My house is a mess, and it just seems to continually add up, once again like a horrible cycle that i can't get out of, it just seems to always get worse. Some days I feel better and am able to accomplish some tasks, but it always seems like twice as much stuff piles up after I finish something. I'm not comfortable with how much I pay monthly for my house and really want to sell it, but I can't get it clean enough, or get all the stuff done to get it listed and show ready. My mom and girlfriend keep telling me to just quit my job, but I truly care about the business and don't want to walk away from it. I also don't think I could afford my house and bills if I found a job elsewhere, which makes me stuck, which increases my depression and anxiety.

There is such a large iceberg to chip away at and I don't even know where to start, its all so over whelming.
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby glowstone » Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:19 am

On top of all of that I never seem to have energy. It doesn't matter how much I sleep, I still wake up feeling tired most of the time, and by mid day i'm ready to go back to sleep. This makes it extremely hard to push myself into accomplishing anything. I also have frequent headaches which makes everything difficult.

I've never been diagnosed, but I had a therapist who said I showed symptoms of POCD as well, and I think I do suffer from it.

I really just need help, i'm dying here.
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby InquisitivePursuer » Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:13 pm

well, i'll try to keep this as short as possible.


For me you wouldn't have to,
as I like to listen to people (and read the stories of people) who may benefit tremendously from feeling genuinely cared for,
and although i definitely understand how daunting of an ordeal it seems to address a problem of such a magnitude comparable to the grand mass of an iceberg,
if you start off with a noble aim, and move on with humility, and in the process of unraveling this intricate fabric are willing to be patient, then you might be surprised how much can be achieved in a short time-span if you simply start listening to the voice of your neglected inner child,
as arrested development in childhood's usually sets the backlash most of us face in severe struggle throughout or later in life.

2 weeks later I had an appointment, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have been working ever since then to improve my bipolar.


Due to having studied a sizeable amount of the renowned psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung's work,
i have come to develop quite a decent understanding of the mechanisms of a bipolar disorder,
so i think that when it comes to this disorder and the way it manifests itself, and how it's come to grow into a dis-order, i may have some interesting observations and ideas to share.

This understanding has also been aided and corroborated by having gotten acquainted with a woman my age, who's living overseas from me, in America, with whom i've become deeply intimately related, who's also been diagnosed with bipolar; the machanisms and specifics of her disorder and its mood-swings already, over the course of 5 months, having become clearer in my understanding of what exactly causes mood swings and why they're so extreme.

Do you like to read erudite passages your self (or concise reviews thereof), or would you like, if you happen to be interested, me to paraphrase my understanding of Jung's assessment of the mechanisms of a bipolar disorder?

For now suffice to say that Jung came to understand that the psyche is intrinsically polarized,
so technically we're all swinging like pendulums in between polar opposites,
yet what brings about a disorder is the stark opposition in between both sides,
borne from a vehement resistance to either of the side:
so, say, for instance, due to an ongoing repression of deeply embedded feelings of pain, resentment, frustration, or feelings of abandonment that have yet to be integrated.

I find the mood's typically swung uncontrollably whenever the repressed side opposing the conscious control of one's feelings is drawn back up to the surface, due to an inversion in between the opposites; from conscious control to an unconscious seizure (= being seized and overtaken, dominated by, formerly repressed feelings.)

So the wider the gap in between that which is repressed,
and is housed within the shadow-side of your consciousness,
and the opposing attitude in defense of the repressed feelings,
the stronger and more drastic the swing's going to be.

That's only an abridged version of my understanding on the mechanisms and dynamics of this disorder.

Now on to what I believe is triggering me. I know one major thing is I don't like who I am, I tend to dwell on it, especially when I am depressed, sending me into a downward spiral, like quicksand, no matter how hard you fight you just seem to get deeper.


I emphathize with your pain.

Yet, talking from my perspective, i feel compelled to interject a word of insight of my own;
explaining that in my experience i have found it very helpful to allow such overwhelming, painful and existentially challenging questions to expand within my mind,
and to address them by contemplating on their validity; endeavouring to find out what the meaning of their resurgence actually is.

I have found that giving in to doubt by asking questions in the midst of such a storm of uncertainty, can actually be very helpful, as one of the fundamental principles of my philosophical outlook is founded upon the unwavering conviction (which has taken time to be developed) that doubt is an essential prerequisite to a healthy state of mind.

Mind you, not chronic doubt,
yet whenever such crippling doubt assails you by rising up from within its complexes of fear, guilt, pain (or whatever) housed within the unconscious, it is often, if not always, coming up in order for it to be integrated; in order for us to heal from what is keeping us back from having a fairly healthy relationship with our selves.

Although i understand that in writing this it's all made out to seem very simple,
while in the reality so many people experience the issue seems much more complicated,
even totally impossible to solve let alone address at times,
Nonetheless i am confident that the contents of the unconscious which confront us through dreams, whether while awake or asleep; through severely unsettling thoughts and unnerving feelings and all, are all meant to serve us by showing us exactly where we have gotten stuck, and where we'd ideally want to be going instead.

So the quick and simple answer with regards to this seemingly insolvable conundrum is to start considering that your mind, your psyche, is not your enemy,
by far not as much as so many of us have been enticed to assume.

Yet how does one go about rectifying one's relationship to his or her own psyche, eh?

Well, i'd say, start off small by beginning to arm your self with knowledge proposing new ways to deal with your self.

All great dreams and accomplishments have small beginnings.

May i suggest you to take a look at a few clips of an expert clinician with experience in behavioral therapy, who's also become a lecturer in Psychology at the university of Toronto,
and who has, by way of good fortune, found a way for himself to reach a much larger audience by having kickstarted his own Youtube channel.

He's already been changing the lives of so many men our age.
Mainly men, i say, as we, generally speaking, seem to be most susceptible to veering off into total purposelessness, nowadays lacking the necessary guidelines in order to steer us into the right direction.

Though in saying this i'm not intending to minimize the struggle many females nowadays go through,
yet for some reason his philosophy of life seems to speak most of all the instincts of men in general.

*mod edit*

I've never loved someone as much as I love her and I don't understand what she sees with me. I think she is just going to walk out on me at any moment.


Have you considered yet asking her what she sees in you?
Might be helpful for you to understand why she wants to say with you.

I think she is just going to walk out on me at any moment


Maybe try sitting down with her one-on-one,
and [try] gently bringing this crippling concern of yours to the forefront of the discussion?

Wouldn't that be better than just keeping it to your self and dealing with it on your own,
without knowing if the fear's actually valid or not?

Of course, here i'm presuming you haven't already, for the sake of taking a convenient shortcut as i write this message in the present with little to not information on your situation and relation with her.

I feel like I work very hard, and put it a lot of hours there, going above and beyond most times, but I still feel like i'm looked down upon, that nobody approves of me, and that I could be replaced in a heartbeat and nobody would even notice i'm gone.


Have you ever considered admitting this to your father?
Showing him how you feel in the workplace?

Perhaps he's not that aware of his dire effect on your feeling of well-being?

This causes a lot of pain and anger to me since I feel like I have dedicated so much time and energy, as well as have contributed a lot to the business, yet i'm still treated like a second rate, disposable employee.


I truly think it would be a good idea for you to look for a way to verbalize these feelings to him or them, cause odds are they might not be aware of how extremely bad you're made to feel in the situation.

In case you dread physical confrontation, allow me to suggest an alternative in the form of writing your feelings down in a letter, for instance,
as you clearly have the ability to write down your feelings intelligibly and comprehensively.

Knowing how I feel, she doesn't even just send me a text to check up on me, which makes me feel even worse. I don't want to have a relationship like that.


And may i inquire whether or not you've ever admitted this to her?
That you're made to feel so sad due to her clear lack of concern for your feelings?

My mom tries to understand, but I hate trying to talk to her about how I feel,


Cause if she at least seems willing to try to understand you,
that's already something which a lot of other people that have been even more neglected and disrespected by their parents would want to die for to have.

Not triviliazing your struggle here,
just meaning to illustrate that there still seems to exist opportunity for you to appeal to her empathy for you.

On top of all of that I never seem to have energy. It doesn't matter how much I sleep, I still wake up feeling tired most of the time, and by mid day i'm ready to go back to sleep. This makes it extremely hard to push myself into accomplishing anything. I also have frequent headaches which makes everything difficult.


Maybe it could be good for you to check this out.
*mod edit*

I've never been diagnosed, but I had a therapist who said I showed symptoms of POCD as well


I'm not sure what the P stands for,
tell me, if you will.

I really just need help, i'm dying here.


If you want, you can count on me to try to help you to the best of my ability.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:21 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Reason: pm to follow
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Re: Extreme depression

Postby glowstone » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:55 pm

I want to start by saying thank you for leaving such a detailed response. I'm on my phone so I will do my best to respond to all you have said.

I know I could take this time to really learn from what I'm experiencing and gain a positive perspective from what is currently crippling me, but part of me doesn't want to get better because I feel like I deserve to feel this way. I very much loathe who I am, and feel as if I'm a bad person. I think alot of this stems from my past which I will get into later. Part of me knows I should seek a therapist, part of me knows I need to reach out to my parents, and part of me knows I'm not going to get better by wallowing like I am. But the other part of me wants to stay trapped here.

I spent a great deal of my high school time in a depression, I received bad grades, had very little friends and was overall withdrawn from life. I just didn't care.

I've tried to talk to my girlfriend about how I'm afraid of losing her and how I feel like I'm not good enough for her. She assures me that she isn't going to leave me and that she loves me dearly. However when asked why she loves me there seems to be a lack of explanation, sticking more to words like "your amazing" or "your caring" without much other explanation. Thhis makes me uncomfortable, fearing that the lack of explanation really means she doesn't love me, but is just with me.

I think a lot of this stems back the issues with prior relationships. I met a girl at the end of high school, I dated her for over 4 years, and we even ended up getting married. I wasn't happy and neither was she, but I didn't know better because I was young and I was content. I thought I loved her, and I thought she loved me. We fought a lot, I was completely undiagnosed at the time so I had no grip on my illness. We fought a lot and there was a lot of demeaning and negative remarks from both of us. It even became physically violent at time, not just from me but from her as well. It was incredibly toxic. After she left me I found out she had cheated on me with atleast two guys. This shattered me, because I hoenetly thought she loved me. She placed all the blame on me, making it clear I was the reason she cheated and I was the reason she left me. This really impacted me, and still has followed me ever since.

My next girlfriend was better, but we still fought and it ended because I slapped her in the face after an extremely horrible argument we had. I know this was very wrong of me and I beat my self up over it every day. At this point I still wasn't diagnosed as Bipolar, but had been going to therapy. Once again the blame was shifted to me, I was the problem the whole time, and I was the reason the relationship ended. This of course made me feel worse.

This all plays into my current relationship. I finally have met someone who is very compatible with me, but part of me doesn't feel like I deserve to be with her or be happy. Part of me is just waiting for it to end because I screwed up again. It's not the matter of if she's going to leave me, it's when she is going to leave me. I fear that the day will come at any time and I'm going to lose such an important piece of my life.

In som degree I have tried to talk to my dad, I get and idea on my mind on what I'm going to say and develop a sense of how I expect it to go. However when I talk to him it seems to never go the way I imagined and in the end usually makes me feel worse. I recently tried to talk to him about not really feeling involved and admitted that I get really unhappy working there because I feel omitted from the business. It didn't really go the way I wanted and the blame was more or less shifted to me saying I'm the one who's not involving myself.

For as long as I can remember I have felt as if my father didn't like me. Growing up I was a good kid, I didn't hang out with thr wrong people, I didn't drink or do drugs, I wasn't out getting in trouble. I liked to just stay home and play video games. Of course my father didn't like this, and always seemed to find ways to demean me about it. I know we always fought alot but I can't remember specifics because I think I possibly blocked that out. I never had a good relationship with any of my family, but I'm closest to my mom. I was always withdrawn and kept to myself, and I'm still that way, I don't see my parents often because of it, and when I do I feel awkward talking to them, especially my dad and sister.

The problems with my dad go way back, and they all seem to lead to me feeling insufficient and worthless. My dad has always been that way, and recently my sister has adopted the same attitude towards me as he has. I dont know if it's just my own mind that is interpreting what he says into him being demeaning and negative, or if he actually is. Whenever confronting him, I'm never right, and he can't ever admit to being wrong. For example recently my computer crashed at work, and it has some important files on it that I am responsible for. I told him that day that I did have those files backed up, but from what I understood he was looking for an entire computer backup which I did not have. Fast forward until I talk to him a few days later, he said I never told him I had it backed up and was mad because he spent time trying to recover the files. So even though I did indeed do the right thing and have them backed up and even told him this from the start, he still found a way to make me feel bad and tell me I did something wrong.

This happens with just about every thing that goes on at work, but I know this is a specific example. As for some background, after higschool my ex talked me into moving away with her and going to college which I did, however after a year an a half she dropped out and moved back home so I followed. I feel like this is still held over my head every day, and I feel embarrassed and guilty that I had ever left. Other than that I have worked here my whole life, even during high school. I worked here part time during high school and I did an okay job, I was dumb and lazy and didn't really have work ethic at the time. Fast forward to when I started working here again after leaving college. I was already in a depressed state, and coming back to work here, feeling like I wasn't wanted here really effected me. I was so lazy, I never wanted to work and I was always causing problems. I understand why they may still see me that way, but I have changed so much. I took on a different role in the business and it was night and day, I have changed so much since then. I have motive, drive and I have tried to be an active role in the business. I'm even currently taking classes to get a degree in business management. I can say for a fact that I didn't care about the business before, but I do now, and I wish that they could see me for who I am now.

I really wish I could tell my dad these things, but i'm truly afraid of the outcome if i do. I know how our talks have gone in the past and it always ends up leaving me feeling worse in the end. Same goes for writing him a letter. I think I could better communicate how I feel and how he makes me feel through a letter, but its actually the act of getting the letter to him and him reading the letter that makes me uncomfortable. I know he's not a mind reader and probably has no idea that I feel this way, but I feel so uncomfortable trying to tell him these things. I'm afraid of the outcome and i'm afraid he's going to see me as weak because of how I feel, which will end up making me feel worse.

I have actually talked to my mom more and I know she is trying her best, but she really just doesn't know what to do. I texted her about something last night and she asked me how I was. I just wish she could do more and make me feel better.

POCD from my understanding is an ocd disorder where your primarily suffer from the obsessive portion rather than compulsiveness. This could include but are not limited to intrusive thoughts that can cause panic, which does happen to me. These thoughts are typically completely irrational fears that will probably never happen or come to light.

I think my biggest issues are within this business and the lack of fitting in. I can't say for 100% that my dad is the problem, in fact it could all be in my head, I really don't know and I really don't know where to start.
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