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Please help me what is going on in my head?

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Please help me what is going on in my head?

Postby ecwalkrr » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:59 am

Hello. My entire 18 years on this planet has been me just enduring life. I don't even know where to start with this. First off I don't even feel I deserve to feel this depressed and crazy considering there are people doing much worse, I have a feeling I am amplifying my problems and being irrational but that's a later point. Let me start off with my childhood. apparently I cried all the damn time and was scared of everything. Everything intimidated me because everything was unknown and new to me. That's how my mother puts it and honestly looking back makes sense to me but maybe there's more to it. then through pre k an elementary I had few friends then no friends and almost everyone alienated me. I had three friends that's it. Going into middle school I guess I was sort of socially anxious and depressed. All that did for me was make me more socially anxious and depressed because this made it hard for me open up. But boy is there a whole lot more, this is where things get complicated. So I was bullied throughout middle school. I was shy, unathletic, nerdy, small, skinny, ugly, and I had a bad hygiene problem that I'll get into later on. I made some friends but for the most part people didn't want to associate with me and boy did that ###$ me up even more than before. Along with that I swear for awhile EVERY SINGLE DAY at least one embarrassing thing would happen to me. Every day I had something to go home and be embarrassed about. It got to the point that I didn't believe that I actually belong. I don't have anxiety around anyone but certain people at my school(graduate though) because of this. I just have this idea that all of them think I'm lesser than human. That proved to be wrong of course when going to parties recently they'd ask why I was so quiet all middle and high school and some thinking I'm cool now that I'm not the same kid from middle school. And that's another topic for later, my perception on things. But basically I spent the majority of my school years socially anxious but kept battling the anxiety until last summer when I really started to see results. For the last two years I've been more confident and people love me and I feel like a real person. Good with girls, making friends is easy and more. But there's more than just the slight social anxiety. I may be depressed or crazy I don't know which. I don't know why but I don't have control of my thoughts(you'll see how this connects with my past). I ruminate about EVERYTHING. I can't stop negative thoughts about me and my life out of my head, I can't stop thinking about why I even think like this, I think about whether or not I'm crazy and if this is normal, and etc. It's so hard to explain it but I analyze everything, like who I am as a human being and do I really belong here. I look at characteristics in myself and all I see is a loser and it bothers me. I have always had slight hygiene problems and that lowers my self esteem, it's getting better now but I don't even know why It has been a problem all my life. I want to be clean and have the house clean so bad but I have no motivation. Whenever I am faced with the idea that I'm lesser in anyway it hurts. Yesterday I smoked and hadn't smoked in awhile. I said bye to my friend who smoked me up and ended up sitting in my car for 4 hours just tearing myself apart. I don't know why weed does this to me but there's a 50 50 chance that I just flip $#%^ when I smoke. You know how I mentioned my racing ruminating thoughts that are in my head 247, when I'm high all I need is one bad thought and then the chain starts. I start thinking about how I'm weak and unlikable and alllll my negative thoughts from when I was younger come back and even worse. And I can't just change what I'm thinking about. I can't even explain how painful this experience was. This isn't even the first time this has happened but my dumb ass smoked again. I sat in my car for 3 hours(last hour I stopped ruminating and was actually fun) just barraged with negative thoughts. I felt like I was going to die. What ended up happening was me questioning whether the new confident relaxed me is real or just a fad to try and be happy. I know if I were to be the 100% authentic me in front of people I would be denied like back in middle school. At this point I don't even know. I feel like I'm going crazy. Is everything I'm saying and feeling stupid? Are all of these thoughts just irrational and me being crazy? I kid you not I'm in the midst of like this crazy breakdown state where everything just feels bad. I've had these some times before and this is me at my complete low. Then I wake up the next day perfectly fine and back to confident relaxed me who still somewhat has the ruminating thoughts in the background. What the ###$ man. I wouldn't be at this low if I didn't smoke yesterday. All it did was make me have that breakdown then think over my life all today until I got to a low, here tonight typing this $#%^. I feel like $#%^ I have no motivation for anything that's not ######6 a girl or hanging out with people. My room and the bathroom aren't disastrous but I have to wait till then to finally clean them. I don't know I'm just a mess. One of the scariest things is going to a therapist or even anyone, just any person and letting them know I have a slight hygiene problem and think so badly of myself. The first is just disgusting and the second well I just think it's too scary to let someone know how weak you are. I feel like I would be thought less of or denied if done so. I just want to be normal. That's it. Then I watch all these youtube vids with everyday people who are going through the exact same thing I'm going through and I'm surprised that I'm not the only one who goes through that, but I still feel like I'm alone. This is just my everyday thought process. No enjoying the now and things going on in the real world. Just me in my head contemplating life and reality and myself. I do a damn good job at hiding it though. Just wish I didn't have to hide anything and worry about these thoughts and just LIVE. I'm sorry if you read all of this and it made absolutely no sense. I'm not in a head straight mindset right now I feel like I'm just breaking. I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can get some help. I know a therapist is what I need but for now please any help will be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Please help me what is going on in my head?

Postby maddad2433 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 9:00 pm

I get high often and have similar experiences. It's scary and painful but I low key appreciate the brutal honesty. Marijuana can be that one friend that keeps it truthful with you no matter how much it hurts. I got high last night and just began to tear myself a new one. "Look how dirty your house is." "Look at your ugly wife." "You're a loser and your life is a mess." On and on all night until I fell asleep. Today I was humbled and just said screw it im going to keep giving it my best.
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Re: Please help me what is going on in my head?

Postby psychosquirrel » Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:48 pm

ecwalkrr wrote:Hello. My entire 18 years on this planet has been me just enduring life. I don't even know where to start with this. First off I don't even feel I deserve to feel this depressed and crazy considering there are people doing much worse, I have a feeling I am amplifying my problems and being irrational but that's a later point. Let me start off with my childhood. apparently I cried all the damn time and was scared of everything. Everything intimidated me because everything was unknown and new to me. That's how my mother puts it and honestly looking back makes sense to me but maybe there's more to it. then through pre k an elementary I had few friends then no friends and almost everyone alienated me. I had three friends that's it. Going into middle school I guess I was sort of socially anxious and depressed. All that did for me was make me more socially anxious and depressed because this made it hard for me open up. But boy is there a whole lot more, this is where things get complicated. So I was bullied throughout middle school. I was shy, unathletic, nerdy, small, skinny, ugly, and I had a bad hygiene problem that I'll get into later on. I made some friends but for the most part people didn't want to associate with me and boy did that ###$ me up even more than before. Along with that I swear for awhile EVERY SINGLE DAY at least one embarrassing thing would happen to me. Every day I had something to go home and be embarrassed about. It got to the point that I didn't believe that I actually belong. I don't have anxiety around anyone but certain people at my school(graduate though) because of this. I just have this idea that all of them think I'm lesser than human. That proved to be wrong of course when going to parties recently they'd ask why I was so quiet all middle and high school and some thinking I'm cool now that I'm not the same kid from middle school. And that's another topic for later, my perception on things. But basically I spent the majority of my school years socially anxious but kept battling the anxiety until last summer when I really started to see results. For the last two years I've been more confident and people love me and I feel like a real person. Good with girls, making friends is easy and more. But there's more than just the slight social anxiety. I may be depressed or crazy I don't know which. I don't know why but I don't have control of my thoughts(you'll see how this connects with my past). I ruminate about EVERYTHING. I can't stop negative thoughts about me and my life out of my head, I can't stop thinking about why I even think like this, I think about whether or not I'm crazy and if this is normal, and etc. It's so hard to explain it but I analyze everything, like who I am as a human being and do I really belong here. I look at characteristics in myself and all I see is a loser and it bothers me. I have always had slight hygiene problems and that lowers my self esteem, it's getting better now but I don't even know why It has been a problem all my life. I want to be clean and have the house clean so bad but I have no motivation. Whenever I am faced with the idea that I'm lesser in anyway it hurts. Yesterday I smoked and hadn't smoked in awhile. I said bye to my friend who smoked me up and ended up sitting in my car for 4 hours just tearing myself apart. I don't know why weed does this to me but there's a 50 50 chance that I just flip $#%^ when I smoke. You know how I mentioned my racing ruminating thoughts that are in my head 247, when I'm high all I need is one bad thought and then the chain starts. I start thinking about how I'm weak and unlikable and alllll my negative thoughts from when I was younger come back and even worse. And I can't just change what I'm thinking about. I can't even explain how painful this experience was. This isn't even the first time this has happened but my dumb ass smoked again. I sat in my car for 3 hours(last hour I stopped ruminating and was actually fun) just barraged with negative thoughts. I felt like I was going to die. What ended up happening was me questioning whether the new confident relaxed me is real or just a fad to try and be happy. I know if I were to be the 100% authentic me in front of people I would be denied like back in middle school. At this point I don't even know. I feel like I'm going crazy. Is everything I'm saying and feeling stupid? Are all of these thoughts just irrational and me being crazy? I kid you not I'm in the midst of like this crazy breakdown state where everything just feels bad. I've had these some times before and this is me at my complete low. Then I wake up the next day perfectly fine and back to confident relaxed me who still somewhat has the ruminating thoughts in the background. What the ###$ man. I wouldn't be at this low if I didn't smoke yesterday. All it did was make me have that breakdown then think over my life all today until I got to a low, here tonight typing this $#%^. I feel like $#%^ I have no motivation for anything that's not ######6 a girl or hanging out with people. My room and the bathroom aren't disastrous but I have to wait till then to finally clean them. I don't know I'm just a mess. One of the scariest things is going to a therapist or even anyone, just any person and letting them know I have a slight hygiene problem and think so badly of myself. The first is just disgusting and the second well I just think it's too scary to let someone know how weak you are. I feel like I would be thought less of or denied if done so. I just want to be normal. That's it. Then I watch all these youtube vids with everyday people who are going through the exact same thing I'm going through and I'm surprised that I'm not the only one who goes through that, but I still feel like I'm alone. This is just my everyday thought process. No enjoying the now and things going on in the real world. Just me in my head contemplating life and reality and myself. I do a damn good job at hiding it though. Just wish I didn't have to hide anything and worry about these thoughts and just LIVE. I'm sorry if you read all of this and it made absolutely no sense. I'm not in a head straight mindset right now I feel like I'm just breaking. I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can get some help. I know a therapist is what I need but for now please any help will be greatly appreciated.


What stands out to me is your feelings of shame. But those feelings of shame feelings are misplaced. This kind of misplaced shame is "toxic shame".

You seem to be ashamed about your "hygiene problem". What is exactly the problem?

You probably judge yourself much harsher than other people would. You are probably handsome, smart and a nice person but you cannot see it yourself. But even if you were ugly, say (which you probably aren't). Why would one feel ashamed of that? It would be a disadvantage in life, perhaps, but it wouldn't be your fault.

The feelings of shame probably started early in childhood, and were magnified by the bullying. But those feelings of shame are misplaced, and these feelings aren't your fault.

Even if people now think you are cool, this won't take away the painful feelings of shame. Deep down you still feel like people won't accept you if you are just being yourself. The only way I know to lessen those feelings of shame is to talk about it (with a therapist). This will make you feel embarrassed, feel weak etc., but over time you'd feel more comfortable talking about this.

Good luck.
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