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Like a movie... but my reality

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Like a movie... but my reality

Postby AlmostTheEnd » Thu Aug 10, 2017 7:33 pm

So, my first post, I aren't sure whether this is in the right place due to my multitude of issues, where I even begin I don't know but I'll give it a bash, what I'm even looking for I don't know but I feel I need to talk and this seems the best option at this stage, my story is a very long one, every aspect of which not a single person knows about, all of this is in my head and my head alone and I've kept it there for so long, I've been eaten alive by it. Every day I tell myself things will change but that's been for 12 years now, and i realise it won't, so I'll start at the beginning and try to cover everything. I don't want sympathy, as mentioned I don't know what I want, maybe just to get everything in writing that I've locked away inside my mind for so long.

I'm a 30 year old male, and the last time I felt "normal" or to be more precise, happy, positive, enjoyed activities, had interests, and all the other things people enjoy day to day, was when I was 18 years old, I genuinely even remember the exact day. I had been with my girlfriend at that stage from age 11, it might sound trivial now but she meant a lot to me, I remember the feelings I had for her very strongly and if I'm honest, what happened I can only assume led to the rest of my life spiralling out of control how it has. I would say at that point I had around 10 very close friends, one morning I walked to my best friends house to knock on his door, there was a twitch at his bedroom curtain but no answer, again I knocked, but still no answer, I walked home and around 20 minutes later received a phone call from another friend who lived opposite his street, informing me that my girlfriend was in bed with my best friend and that's why he hadn't answered, at first I didn't believe it, then I felt sick, then anger kicked in and in rage I rushed back up, still though short of kicking the door down I couldn't get in, after this day I found out that this incident was the tip of the iceberg and in fact, the girl I had been with for 7 years had in fact been sleeping with not just my best friend, but 6 of my other friends, this destroyed my head and any concept I had of loyalty, friendship, and not long after by around age 19 I had made a conscious decision to cut ties with everyone and in fact, I felt then and still feel to this very day that I cannot trust anyone, and as of right now I don't have a single friend. I myself would help anyone, ive gone out of my way for so many people, causing myself problems, lending money I didn't have, repeatedly, and every time without exception found that quite simply, no one would do it back, infact throughout my entire life all I've experienced is being used, people going behind my back, taking advantage, and that's why now I have zero trust in anyone at all, I'm very lonely but my experience is that when I've let anyone in, they've eventually shown themselves to be very underhand and out for their own ends, and for all my faults (and trust me, there's an awful lot) one thing I can say hand on heart is that loyalty means everything to me, I have just never experienced it in return.

At around age 19 I remember being at work one day and a pop up for William hill appearing, I remember as clear as day visiting the site, signing up, depositing £10 and winning £400, it was a real buzz, even now 11 years or so on I remember vividly the feeling, at that point £400 was an amazing amount of money for me, I would buy myself clothes, nice things, and only now I realise I indulged possibly because I had lost faith in everyone and started becoming very withdrawn and reclusive, but that was the day where my gambling addiction began, and I could have never imagined where it would lead to.

At around age 22 I'd started hanging out with acquaintances, not people I would class as friends as you have to remember my trust for anyone and everything had gone, these were people I'd go to the pub for a drink with for example, and this is where I was introduced to cocaine. I remember again very vividly my first line and how scared I was before doing it, all I could think about was the numerous media articles about death from drugs, but I also remember what actually made me roll that note and sniff that line, I remember thinking I was that down and depressed who cared? So I may as well try and I did, again, this was the start of a drug problem which escalated out of control very quickly indeed.

At age 24 I moved to Spain to get away from my now £400 a week cocaine habit, add that to the gambling and you can imagine why my parents said something had to give, I went to Spain where my sister lived and believe it or not, I lived there in peace, tranquility, working in southern Spain, not drinking, no drugs (I couldn't obtain them easily and don't make new friends without effort), and no gambling because quite simply in Spain they do not have the constant bookies after bookies after bookies on every corner filled with machines that will happily dispatch £1000 from your wallet in less than 30 minutes. I have realised more and more recently that the gambling culture in the U.K. With adverts every 5 minutes and not being able to turn without seeing another bookmakers, is certainly something I personally feel needs addressing.

After a couple of years in Spain feeling a lot better and functioning to a certain extent normally, I returned to the UK for a 2 week holiday, this is when I met my wife to be, long story short is that I never returned to Spain, instead opting to stay in the U.K. - I found a good well paid job, and stayed out of trouble, with the very odd lapse and binge, but these were few and far between. We after a couple of years decided to buy a house together, but my credit rating due to the previous gambling problems was shot to bits so it was agreed she would get the house in her name, it was a derelict mess. I worked my socks off for 3 years and spent almost £60,000 in total on renovating the place, after which she decided she didn't want to be with me and a judge decided that I should have put measures in place to protect my investment, despite us being married. For over £60,000 in renovations, and much more aside, I received a settlement of £10,000 and she kept her house. I had been earning extremely good money and I was proud that I wouldn't gamble it and instead opted to spend it on our family home, our future together, regular holidays, and making her as happy as I could. In total over 3 years I'd earned and spent around £180,000 and had just received £10,000 from a judge and told that's my lot, it was devastating to say the least and the very next day, my downward spiral started.

I went to the casino, withdrew £5,000 and got extremely drunk, did lots of drugs, and woke up days later with as I remember £1.50 or so in my wallet. I had been forced to move back into my parents house and when I came round from that, I did the very same thing again, after only days I had none of that money left, all of it been drank, sniffed or gambled. My lucrative job came to an end due to my constant absences from work, I would phone in sick two or three days a week, but I wasn't sick, it was 7am and I hadn't yet been to sleep, I had been drinking, sniffing and generally going off the rails. It's worth bearing in mind at this point that I'm always alone, have zero friends.

I eventually a couple of years ago settled down a little and found a new job, albeit not so lucrative, and for the first month or so was keeping busy. I then had a bad day and once again went back to the drinking, drugs, and gambling, only this time things spiralled so badly out of control, I can hardly believe what I did. My position within the company was such that I was responsible for ordering software and other such requirements, I was so desperately messed up in absolutely every way (most days at work I was nipping to the toilets every 15 minutes to do another line) that I began doctoring invoices and having the funds paid by accounts into my own bank, I did this for quite some time and It totalled quite a sum that I had redirected and gambled, drank and sniffed. That 18 months was quite frankly a whirlwind, I hardly remember half of it, I often find myself wondering what happened, I would go out drinking alone, I would lock myself away for days, and eventually I knew everything would catch up with me. The police did knock, and I am currently awaiting my court date for which I'm informed I should expect to receive many years in jail. For 6 months now this has been eating me up, the true extent of my bad deeds no one knows about, even as of now family don't know why the police came as I lied to them and gave them a cock and bull story, the reason it's taking so long to receive my court date I'm quite sure is because they are digging as deep as possible into my past to charge me with as many offences as possible, and I genuinely don't have the first idea how many that is, hundreds I would imagine to be a good guess. Over the past 6 months with all of this eating me up, I've further spiralled out of control, I find my only escape is to go to a hotel for a night, with lots of drink, lots of drugs, and disappear into the abyss, something I've done at least 5 times in the past 2 weeks alone, I find myself feeling distraught, I don't know how I ended up where I am, I am an intelligent person and often felt pity for those afflicted by addiction and mental illness, yet I've in turned evolved into the very same thing I once despised.

To summarise, I am addicted to gambling in a big way and would imagine I have lost approximately £500,000 in the past 11 years, I've earnt very good money in my trade yet have nothing to show for it, at all, at this point I barely have clothes. I am addicted to cocaine, and binge on alcohol at the same time. Alongside this I often engage in sexual activity which whilst always safe is often with strangers and I know is destructive in itself. I have for 11 years now felt like I think differently, act differently, and have no place on this earth, I have been suicidal more times than I care to remember, I've been placed on every anti depressant under the sun to absolutely no avail, and I'm facing a long prison sentence which is only going further to exacerbate my issues and need to escape from reality.

This is a very short overview believe it or not of the absolute nightmare and chaos that my life has been for the past 12 years, and something that even my own family don't know the half of, I don't know what I'm asking for, I'm completely alone, I'm lost in myself, and I have zero faith that I will ever feel like I did at age 15 when I remember very clearly what happiness felt like, because I've never felt it since.

I wish everyone the best of luck with their own personal recoveries.

Much love
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Re: Like a movie... but my reality

Postby AlmostTheEnd » Fri Aug 11, 2017 12:23 am

I think after so many views and not a single reply, I've come to the difficult conclusion that I was right all along and that in fact I'm simply just wired up wrong, I don't even know what I came on here looking for, despite my obvious mental health issues I feel I'm intelligent enough to understand social sciences and other related fields, and I can only assume that if after so many views not a single individual can relate then it must clearly be me and something which I now fear is beyond repair.

Mods, you can delete my post, as I say I'm not sure what the purpose of it was in the first place if I'm absolutely honest.

Thanks
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Re: Like a movie... but my reality

Postby sympatheticbystander » Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:14 am

Hi. I just read your post about your unhappy experiences, stemming, probably, as you say, from a betrayal of trust in your teenage years. I do think that sort of thing stays with you for ever, really, and the only thing you can do is try to offset it with plenty of more positive, pleasureable, NON-HARMING events or behaviour . I know it is very difficult to break out of an entrenched mindset, but you are clearly deeply troubled, still, by events in the past. I am not a doctor, but am very interested in the effects past traumas etc have on our outlook. I can understand why you took up things that temporarily made you feel better, as I drink rather too much for health, as a way to blur my painful feelings about constant worry and stress, made by a very close person....decades of worry about debts, , and emotional 'carelessness', shall we say, make me very despondent, and at an advancing age, I cannot see much hope that anythiong will change now ! But that's another story ! I'm here to try to help in some small way, and only mention my relentless discomfort in order to try to show you that I feel very sorry that you are still suffering , mentally. If you have to go to prison, (one hopes not....), then (and even if you don't, what I want to say is applicable , anyway, I hope...), then could you consider 'taking charge' of your general and mental health, as a positive strategy against your distress, which does seem to be chronic. I am very interested in using food as medicine, and heartily recommend videoson You Tube by Dr. John Bergman, whom I recently discovered.(this is August 2017). Dr. B. explains in meticulous detail the workings of the body, and how we can actually reverse many conditions, if we get our bodily systems working right. (I am currently trying his 'Reverse Arthritis naturally teaching , being 69.5 years old ) (and jolly well feel it, I can tell you !). The other 3 things I would like to mention, that might be helpful to you, are : 1), binaural beats for relaxation, fears, anxiety, etc., please research and see if appropriate as a strategy ; 2), Self-Hypnosis. I really like Michael Sealey as a practitioner, and he has done lots of videos on You Tube, or you could possibly ask for a registered practitioner, maybe on NHS.....3), here is a video on You Tube,(one of many such, but this is my favourite), by 'The Honest Guys', called 'River In The Shire' : I find it delightful to watch and listen to, as it makes you feel as if you are out in the countryside, by a pretty river, in Spring, with little birds cheeping nearby. I guess you might find this a bit silly, but it is GENTLE help, to make you feel better. And all this is available on line, which I understand is available in prison......I offer these little strategies in the hope it may help you, and hope all will be well for you eventually. Best Wishes.
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Re: Like a movie... but my reality

Postby realityhere » Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:28 am

Hey Almost,

It takes a while for others to respond, so please have some patience. As anyone who's familiar with the internet, there are hundreds of lurkers, but only a few who dare to respond in kind.

I believe you're trying to make a genuine attempt to reflect on what brought you to what is the mess in your life, as so few ppl really try to face their demons.

Since you are facing court charges and possible jail time, this may be the time to ask yourself why you indulge in such addictions and what drives you to self-destruct. It may go further back than 15 years of age when you found happiness for the first time with a girlfriend. Do you recall times in your early childhood when you were generally happy or did you have a different experience of unmet needs or abuse in your childhood? The reason I ask is that in some ppl's cases, unmet needs and trust issues occur in one's childhood and continue to play out into adulthood, no matter what relationships one gets involved in later in life.

I wish you a healing journey.
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Re: Like a movie... but my reality

Postby maddad2433 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:22 pm

Reading your story was relatable to my life in some aspects. I've had difficulty in a lot of my relationships and have been dependent on self medicating for some years now. I want you to know that I truly empathize with your situation. We are human and we don't have as much control of our lives as we may think. Being intelligent, I'm sure you've tried to intellectually solve your problems to no avail. I'm sorry to hear about your run in with the law but we have to take responsibilities for our actions even if they are the result of our pain and suffering. Is it fair? I don't think so. Nevertheless, keep doing your best. No matter the outcome, give it your best.
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Re: Like a movie... but my reality

Postby ReallyOutraged » Sun Aug 13, 2017 9:57 am

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Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed unhelpful remarks
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Re: Like a movie... but my reality

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:53 pm

I was only now able to read your post. I'm really sorry you were hurt like you were at such a youthful age. Those things from our past can help shape us. Going down the path of addictions is not so hot as others may make them seem. It's when it happens to us that we realize what an "addiction" really is.

I'm also really sorry you are or will face jail time. Please don't give up on trusting others. I know what it feels like when so called friends turn out nothing but a bunch of low lives who have nothing better to do than to betray you or put you aside as if you are not important to them any longer. It is not worth your time to think about them. Look towards the prospect of being able to strive for a happiness that you make and that you will enjoy. I wish you all the best.

Also, don't get discouraged on other's not responding to your posts. There are a number of unknown reasons why others don't respond. I, for one, hadn't even read your post. But it doesn't matter, someone out there read it and perhaps they received validation by your sharing. You just never know.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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