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need advice for family

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need advice for family

Postby furiyax » Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:15 pm

I feel very disconnected from my family and everyone in general always have felt like this, it's not really a problem for me until I have to start showing affection or empathize with them, none of it is genuine and often I just end up being too harsh because I can't understand how they're feeling. It's starting to become obvious that it's more than a little awkwardness to them and it's scary, especially because I'm aware that my family is generally unaccepting (save for my mother, maybe, i'm not sure.)

I mostly made this because I have a little sister that's 8, I don't really think I can be a good model to her. I can't feel anything but embarrassment about her and I get extremely frustrated because she's spoiled and cries over everything she doesn't get. I used to get so angry I'd actually hit her once or twice(not like a real hit, a tap if anything). I seriously don't want to be an abusive older brother. I was thinking maybe the best thing to do in this situation would be to distance myself from her when I have the chance to, because I seriously can't control myself when I get that angry. Not at the moment at least.

I'm not sure if I should put this in any specific thread because I have no diagnosis (and i wouldn't know what even if i had a hunch, I'm unable to get one yet because of my abusive home situation, and I'm 16.)
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Re: need advice for family

Postby delonix » Mon Aug 07, 2017 11:54 am

If your home situation is abusive, your sister too must be affected by it and that might be the reason for her unruly behaviour. Being her elder brother, perhaps it is upto you to shield her from the abuse and deal with her with more patience? Difficult of course, especially when you are yourself a victim.
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Re: need advice for family

Postby furiyax » Mon Aug 07, 2017 4:47 pm

delonix wrote:If your home situation is abusive, your sister too must be affected by it and that might be the reason for her unruly behaviour. Being her elder brother, perhaps it is upto you to shield her from the abuse and deal with her with more patience? Difficult of course, especially when you are yourself a victim.


Our living situations are a bit complex-- I live with my grandmother and she primarily lives with our mother (my mother is good, grandmother isn't.) My sister comes over to my grandmother's house when my mother/father are both working and no one can watch her. When she is over, I do try my best to comfort her and shield her whenever my grandmother starts to act up, and I know she doesn't hate me or anything and is happy when I comfort her and etc. She's had a primarily healthy/happy childhood so far, and I dont want to compromise that with my frustration.

You're right, thank you, I do need to have more patience. The difficult part is just learning to control my anger/getting a higher tolerance.
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Re: need advice for family

Postby Griffin0123 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 11:07 pm

Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't know if I can help you, or if anything I say will help you, but some of what you said here really registered with me. I'm also sixteen (female) with a little brother. I do feel anger towards him a lot to the point where I want to hit him when he does ridiculous selfish things, or when he throws tantrums, but I haven't hit him yet. It does take a lot of self-control, don't think of yourself as the abusive older brother. I have two older sisters, the oldest of which would hit me and scream curses at me when I would drop something or make mistakes, or she would heavily insult me on a daily basis, and had a very short temper with me, so I grew up in fear when I was in her presence (we are seven years apart). If your sister appreciates your comfort and security you provide her, I'd say you're doing a pretty good job. If you feel the anger coming on, I'd just go outside, get some air, listen to music, draw or something (if you like that sort of thing.). If you really feel it, punch a pillow if you really get frustrated, it doesn't mean you're violent, that's how my second oldest sister would refrain from hitting me and my brother when we aggravated her (me and her are five years apart), or she'd start knitting to keep her hands busy. It is in your power to control yourself, you just need to remember that, and trust me, when she gets older, she'll change and get way better (I was really annoying when I was eight...now I feel like the oldest.) Or she won't. You're still family, I feel aggravation towards my sisters all the time for how they treated me and continue to treat me, but I always try to think of the good moments.
If you get mad, try to stick with the good moments where she is laughing, or when you protected her. I think severing your ties with her might make things worse, and lead to alienation and resentment (that's just my opinion, my oldest sister severed ties with me when she got older and moved out. I felt abandoned, and regretful, thinking maybe I could have done something to fix that, or maybe that's just my problem.) She's eight, I'd want to stick around her to see what kind of person she can grow up to be, because it will be way different (hopefully) than her eight-year-old self. You can also help her grow up, and teach her the proper ways to behave, I learned a whole bunch from both of my sisters. You can teach her, even by just being around her.

Of course, I'm not you and I don't know the full story, but I hope this helped anyway. I wish you nothing but the best.
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Re: need advice for family

Postby furiyax » Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:36 am

Griffin0123 wrote:Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't know if I can help you, or if anything I say will help you, but some of what you said here really registered with me. I'm also sixteen (female) with a little brother. I do feel anger towards him a lot to the point where I want to hit him when he does ridiculous selfish things, or when he throws tantrums, but I haven't hit him yet. It does take a lot of self-control, don't think of yourself as the abusive older brother. I have two older sisters, the oldest of which would hit me and scream curses at me when I would drop something or make mistakes, or she would heavily insult me on a daily basis, and had a very short temper with me, so I grew up in fear when I was in her presence (we are seven years apart). If your sister appreciates your comfort and security you provide her, I'd say you're doing a pretty good job. If you feel the anger coming on, I'd just go outside, get some air, listen to music, draw or something (if you like that sort of thing.). If you really feel it, punch a pillow if you really get frustrated, it doesn't mean you're violent, that's how my second oldest sister would refrain from hitting me and my brother when we aggravated her (me and her are five years apart), or she'd start knitting to keep her hands busy. It is in your power to control yourself, you just need to remember that, and trust me, when she gets older, she'll change and get way better (I was really annoying when I was eight...now I feel like the oldest.) Or she won't. You're still family, I feel aggravation towards my sisters all the time for how they treated me and continue to treat me, but I always try to think of the good moments.
If you get mad, try to stick with the good moments where she is laughing, or when you protected her. I think severing your ties with her might make things worse, and lead to alienation and resentment (that's just my opinion, my oldest sister severed ties with me when she got older and moved out. I felt abandoned, and regretful, thinking maybe I could have done something to fix that, or maybe that's just my problem.) She's eight, I'd want to stick around her to see what kind of person she can grow up to be, because it will be way different (hopefully) than her eight-year-old self. You can also help her grow up, and teach her the proper ways to behave, I learned a whole bunch from both of my sisters. You can teach her, even by just being around her.

Of course, I'm not you and I don't know the full story, but I hope this helped anyway. I wish you nothing but the best.


Hi, thank you for replying, I appreciate the advice. I do want her to grow up into a good person, and it's been my goal to be a good role model since she was born but I've grown really tired, so I figured distancing myself was the best way. I think my main problem is that I don't really have a connection with her, so it's hard to be understanding. I think if I'm able to find better ways to control my anger. it'll be easier.

I'm sorry about your situation with your sister(s), I hope it gets better soon.
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Re: need advice for family

Postby angeleyes35 » Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:56 pm

im very disconnected with everyone in my family too...i cant seem to communicaATE with pretty much anyone...its hard living at home at my age...feeling hopeless and worried about how people percieve me
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