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So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

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So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

Postby Genesiser » Mon Jul 10, 2017 1:57 pm

Good morning, Everyone! This may be a bit long, but maybe others can relate.

I'm 35 and I am someone that has always had issues with relating to others because all through my life, I was never really able to "feel" certain emotions. Some of these include happiness, excitement, being able to truly laugh, love, being able to form a real connection to anyone or anything along those lines. The feelings that I have always been able to feel are disappointment with myself, anxiety, and of course, nothing at all. Despite that, I am able to feel empathy in the sense that I know how it bad it feels to feel bad about myself or just flat out worthless, so I don't want others to feel that. I've heard and read about how it feels to be happy and it seems great, so I want others to feel that as much as possible.

Anyway, when I was in my teens I realized there was something off about me when watching others interact so I decided to learn how to mimic these emotions that others feel and I spent a lot of time practicing how to smile. Like, I read what makes up a "truly happy" smile with the eyes and everything else that goes along with it and practiced the heck out of it so when I smile, it naturally looks like I have a genuine smile.

So I'm going to skip a lot and go into last week. I've been working with this 70 year old guy and we get along well with each other in the sense that he talks and I add in a bit to keep him talking. I tend to smile a lot when reacting to things he says (and to people in general). I ended up telling him about my issues and he said he would have never had guessed and he thought I was generally a super happy person and really nice (which is something that everyone says about me).

After a few days he told me that since I told him about myself, he was able to notice what I was talking about and how I smile a bit too much, even when I shouldn't be. Now that he knows this and can see it, he said that it can feel like a fake friendship at times because I have to fake emotions and reactions. To be honest, it kind of is fake because there is zero feeling of connection and I told him that stuff about me just for the sake of conversation.

Ultimately, I'm glad he told me how he now feels because I've started dating this woman and I now know that no matter what, I will never tell her my true self because I wouldn't want her to feel betrayed by feeling that everything is fake.

Anyway, lesson learned!
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Re: So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

Postby Ebonileigh » Mon Jul 10, 2017 4:12 pm

Well, I found this post to be so wonderful, delightful in fact, it made me laugh and laugh. Now, I hear you say, oh, that's not the response I should give!! or, the right reaction.......but, hey, are we all not a bit fake, we put on masks, we never really reveal our true selves, maybe some do......
but right at this point in time, I just found this delightful.....you are an honest person, with a great sense of humour......why did I find it so delightful, well, I'm 67 years of age, female, and I've been a fool all my adult life, yes a fool.....I've lived my life totally devoted to others, i.e. family, and the men in my family have totally ###$ me over, and I've totally ###$ myself over, my daughter is the only one who is sane, normal, well as normal as any human can be......now, for the remaining years of my life, however long that maybe I'm going to devote entirely to myself and my beloved animals, I never should have married, I should have just lived with pets and pursued my artistic endeavours......I don't want to repeat what I've said in my posts, if anyone is at all interested you can have a look at them.........anyway, I just loved this post i.e. "so I learned not to tell other about my true self".......love it, good luck with your new relationship, and enjoy, oh, you don't know how to feel that, well, continue faking like most of us do anyway.......loved reading it, I stumbled on it at the perfect moment, thanks

-- Tue Jul 11, 2017 12:12 am --

Well, I found this post to be so wonderful, delightful in fact, it made me laugh and laugh. Now, I hear you say, oh, that's not the response I should give!! or, the right reaction.......but, hey, are we all not a bit fake, we put on masks, we never really reveal our true selves, maybe some do......
but right at this point in time, I just found this delightful.....you are an honest person, with a great sense of humour......why did I find it so delightful, well, I'm 67 years of age, female, and I've been a fool all my adult life, yes a fool.....I've lived my life totally devoted to others, i.e. family, and the men in my family have totally ###$ me over, and I've totally ###$ myself over, my daughter is the only one who is sane, normal, well as normal as any human can be......now, for the remaining years of my life, however long that maybe I'm going to devote entirely to myself and my beloved animals, I never should have married, I should have just lived with pets and pursued my artistic endeavours......I don't want to repeat what I've said in my posts, if anyone is at all interested you can have a look at them.........anyway, I just loved this post i.e. "so I learned not to tell other about my true self".......love it, good luck with your new relationship, and enjoy, oh, you don't know how to feel that, well, continue faking like most of us do anyway.......loved reading it, I stumbled on it at the perfect moment, thanks
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Jul 11, 2017 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: put curse word through swear filter
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Re: So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

Postby UpDownAround » Tue Jul 11, 2017 1:05 am

What you describe is my depressed state. I am not usually sad nor am I suicidal. I am just numb. I have a journal and in one entry I describe what happened when I tried what you are suggesting in relationships:
online-journals/topic197522.html
For the next 10 years, I practiced serial monogamy with about 20 women and felt like I was deeply in love with most of them. My drug use tapered off but didn't stop and I still drank fairly often. There was a pattern to it; I was this confident upbeat guy when we met but then they would see me devoid of emotion and run, often angrily accusing me of faking feelings. The odd thing is that I was really good at seducing women because I wasn't faking. A lot of them told me things were happening fast, but the sex was always consensual.

When someone bared their soul (an everything else) to me, I could not keep the facade up well enough to fool them. It's not a question of if they would figure it out, it was just a question of when. That was my experience. My wife saw it, but stuck around anyway trying to help me through it. We have stayed together but things could be better; she never really succeeded. I wish I had better news.
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Re: So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

Postby Genesiser » Tue Jul 11, 2017 3:44 am

Dang, UpDownAround, that's unfortunate and also very bleak for myself.

While you have had plenty experience in dating different women, I haven't. While I am 35, I've only been in two relationships for a grand total of around 3 months.

My brother is similar to myself so luckily I have him to talk about things when it comes to this stuff. I recently had a conversation asking him how he was able to finally find someone to truly fall in love with (he's been married for about 3 years and just now had the birth of his child (she had two children when he entered the relationship.)) He told me he never felt the feeling of love and instead just found someone that he doesn't mind doing things with. And when it comes to finding someone to spend your life with, that's what you should do.

I hope the person I am dating doesn't see through the facade, but from your experience, at some point it may surface.
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Re: So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

Postby UpDownAround » Tue Jul 11, 2017 5:51 pm

I likely would have had a similar experience with regard to dating if I hadn't learned about seduction by being seduced. I don't know if you muddled through my wall of text or not, but I was a willing sex toy for an older woman I met at my first "real" job and she taught me to act like her idea of the perfect man. It was such a good act that I bought it and thought I was in love.
I used the same script (I did not see it that way back then) every time. I had no fear about approaching women; I pretty quickly learned it was a numbers game. Most women saw through me quickly (again, that isn't what I thought their problem was) so the quicker I could eliminate them, the better. I was not a slick snake in the grass, I was a testosterone fueled teddy bear. I really believed I was developing an emotional bond and falling deeply in love. I bedded women in two dates who had previously only had one or two lovers in long term relationships that did not get physically serious for some time. Then in the afterglow of what they thought was a significant emotional event, I would show a sign of the wrong kind of satisfaction, make an inappropriate comment or worse (yes, this is the worst thing you can do) go blank because I didn't know what to do next. It wasn't usually the first time I slept with them that it would happen and it wasn't always in bed. Sometimes it was just too obvious that I was planning things around getting laid.
A bizarre little tidbit - a couple of them called me at some point later when they needed some "comfort". One of the things I had learned to do was find out what they wanted, do it, ask if I was doing it how they wanted and make any adjustments they asked for. It was not lack of physical satisfaction that drove them away. I am pretty good at doing lots of stuff. I slept with one of them. The other called while I was dating someone and I told her so. She laughed and said she would call me back in a couple of weeks. She never did, but that comment always haunted me.
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Re: So I learned not to tell others about my true self.

Postby tyr616 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:25 am

It's definitely good to open up about yourself to people. But you should be selective with WHO you open up to. Some people will use your weaknesses to their advantage, while others will be empathetic and try to help you.
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