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I don't know what to say

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I don't know what to say

Postby thewishingwell2 » Fri Jun 09, 2017 2:53 pm

Hi I can't believe I'm posting this but I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality(I'm hoping it's just anxiety ) I'm 18 and have never experienced hallucinations or delusions but I feel depersonalised a lot of the time and sometimes I question reality and it makes me really anxious. I just don't know what to do and I just wish this wasn't happening:( I might write up why I think I'm experiencing this but I just need to get this out there - I also experience nostalgia and I miss when I felt ok and stuff and this weirdness in my head means I cannot go out and enjoy the beautiful nature and scenery around me and I can't feel true happiness anymore and I don't feel like I can even tell anyone' because of the reason behind why I feel this way - I'm a Christian and my faith really does give me hope but I'm just scared and basically I remembered something that happened when I was 9 i didn't actually do anything but it was like a bad thought that I intentionally had though I thought( i do of course have empathy and care for people but it was quite bad this thought and I could never ever physically do this and nothing happened it couldn't have anyway but I don't really want to go into it but it's just causing me a a lot of pain and I remembered about this thing two years ago and I remember I couldn't eat for a few days and then a few months later I was fine and continued to be fine and aw even though things were never the same I started to enjoy life a bit more and I experience so many memories about the past and it makes me sad and annoyed and I just feel like I'm going mad and sorry this is so quick and desperate but I need some perspective on this - even being able to go for a walk without feeling this weirdness in my head and also I can't enjoy things like watching a movie or even I don't know ? Sorry again I know this is a bit random but I really need some advice thanks very much
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Re: I don't know what to say

Postby ozwald » Fri Jun 09, 2017 6:44 pm

One thing that may work for you is separating "what happened" when you were Nine from "what you concluded/decided" about it and then "carried around with you" - what we can call "ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED". Once you have separated the two, maybe you will realize that only the "WHAT HAPPENED" is actually true, and the "ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED" is just subjective, an interpretation, one possible opinion about the meaning of the event (made by a young innocent nine year old girl)

Example:

WHAT HAPPENED:
My wife told me to stop yelling at the kids when they were running around the house.

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED:
I concluded, yet again, that she was a hypocrite. She sat there while they were running around and did NOTHING. When they finally got out of control, I had to step in and discipline them. She did NOTHING, while I was left to be the disciplinarian. I decided to be angry with HER because she made me feel like I wasn't allowed to discipline them. I carried around anger, frustration and resentment for her. I thought she was a b*tch for calling me out when she couldn't be bothered doing anything about it and made it MY problem by just sitting there.

My subjective opinion, my interpretation - isn't the ONLY possible meaning you can have for the WHAT HAPPENED. It turns out (because I asked) that she values me as a father and as able to discipline our children, but she just doesn't like it when I yell. She doesn't have a problem with me disciplining them, she just wants me to do it without telling.

It was YEARS before I realized this. She would ask me to stop yelling, I would get angry, she would get upset. And it repeated itself OVER and OVER again. Finally, I broke the cycle by separating the WHAT HAPPENED from the ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. I realized there was another opinion, another perspective, and now when she asks me not to tell (still working on that!) I don't get angry anymore.

So, for you (example only - only you can do this part):

If a fly on the wall was watching when you were 9 - what would they have seen? You did X.

Now, what did you conclude about that? You concluded it was BAD?

What did you decide about that? You decided it meant you should be PUNISHED? (You decided this at NINE years old - remember - and I don't know many nine year olds who get everything right!!)

Did the fly see that? No, they just saw you do X. The fly didn't know why, the fly didn't judge, didn't decide what that meant. Didn't conclude that girl was bad. The fly didn't actually think about it beyond "I just saw her do X".

YOU judged yourself and YOU decided. And you did it when you were NINE!.

Break apart WHAT HAPPENED and ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. If you saw a NINE year old do that same thing now, what would you think? Maybe it was just a NINE year old being NINE, learning how to grow up?

You have carried around the ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED all your life, when all that there is to carry around is WHAT HAPPENED. Actually, if all that there was to carry around was WHAT HAPPENED, then you might even forget about it. It was just something that happened.

Release the power it has over you!!
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Re: I don't know what to say

Postby Rickamateur » Fri Jun 09, 2017 7:38 pm

What you're describing isn't new to most people here. It's a terrible feeling that overwhelms you since you never dealt with it before. For most of us, it's a struggle to find the solution to our problems in life. Sadly, we often dwell on the past when we have these negative thoughts and feel very anxious.

If you think you know the cause of all of this, then that's a great first step. You can only solve a problem if you know what it is first. The people here are quite friendly so don't be afraid of being judged. I know from personal experience that family members and friends aren't the most supportive regarding this issues but this forum should be a place where you can share your problems, find some answers and make new friends.

I wish you best of luck and I'm free to chat if you ever want someone to talk to. :)
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