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First time sharing my story

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First time sharing my story

Postby ButterPants » Fri May 12, 2017 6:28 am

!!Sorry for my bad english, not mother language. And i say a lot of thing, lot of subjets mixed togheter, maybe jumping around from one to another ( this is how i write and speak in my language too... kinnda a problem [ agitated ]

Hello world! I think... Today is the day that i share my story with all of you. Its really hard to write this down, it took me time to think about what should i say or how to say it for all to help me or at least understand me. So here it is

Tl;dr: I dont know whats wrong with me, cant handle a therapy; feeling wrong everyday and still, living like i dont live at all. Anyone can read this and help me understand, or at least know that im not the only one? :( i live in a comunity where depression, therapy is saw that a crazy problem that no one discuss about and its really a taboo

So, first of all let me tell you my story. To fully understand where i am now:

Until i was 10 years old, i was taking care of my grandmother. Not because i didnt had the chance to stay with the parents, but i was such a nervous kid on them. They always fighted; that because of me, they fight with my grandma ( Really dont know why it was because of me, but it was. I understand that it has smth with my mother and that my father is not actually my father [ but its not true ] ). Partents were always at work, always fighting at home. My grandma teached me just to watch Tv, eat a lot and he letted me do everything i wanted. I started to develop hate on my parents [Because they say no, but my grandma say yes when i ask; no mather what... I was a child, didnt know how to handle things].
No one told me what is "that" , how to handle emotions, why i feel angry, happy; how can i manage my live. NOTHING. They just cared about what i did that day, in terms of what work i did around the house and how i earned the food and the roof that they provided me. I mean, cmon! i was a fukin child, why did you make me if i have to earn food at such a small age.
I lived at country side, such a small population. Everyday, if i didnt want to stay in home watch tv and press every button i found, i was roaming everywhere; like all day. Searching things, going to people homes and stay at computer and kinnda didnt wanted to go home.
At age 10, things changed; we moved closer to the city, leaving my grandma behind. New city, new people, new school. Damn, i was so scared. My sister come along and they forgot about me ( the middle child- Now at 20y old they said to me that they are sorry that they forgot about my existence and focused only on my sister)

4 Years in school, i was placed in a class full of gypsies that beated me, spited me and make fun of me. I really didnt know why they did this ( Maybe i understand from a young age what the world is, and i didnt want to hurt or fight anyone- I was always thinking, trying to make sense of things, to understand and acummulate experience and expanding my counciosnes) They took advantage of my fragile existence. No one wanted to be friend with me, kinnda the weird kid in town. My parents didnt helped me when i explained to them that i live a hell on earth everyday. Crying , all day with fear and looking behind to search if someone will come and make fun of me. My parents said that is my fault that everyone make fun of me, that i need to change, that im bad. They started to beat me too when i tried to run from school, because i was violently agressed there. Kinnda ironic right? Fukin world i think. Everyone making fun of me , of my emotions and eveyone making me to think that im the problem. Im a fukin mess, but no one told me how to fukin feel things. No one teached me social skills, no one loved me ,cared about me. I tried to told to my teachers what is happening, but they fukin blamed me too for being an " idiot" and dont act like everyone else. I was alone, triyng to figure out what is this reality, is there another reality, why i am born and where should i turn my existence to? at age 14 i did an awfull thing. I was obligated and forced to drink water from toilet when someone was filming me. yeah... that thing was posted on the internet. All town knewd that i did that, parents beating me harder, people making fun of me everyday, everyone shouted on street at me , throw rocks at me and this thing lasted 5 years, until i moved out of that city by myself at age 19. I barely found good things in life, i started to take Drugs, smoke weed a lot. It was my relief, i felt different, felt that im not them and im bigger than them, because they think weed kills you and we all know is a big #######4. But this thing agravated over the years. I started to try to make a need from this, always needed to smoke to feel good. I started to take spice, snorting, pills, lsd and everything over the years ( Yeah, Substance abuse ) I hate this, i want to be happy on my normal state of mind again. But how, when my mind always talking, and how... when i live in fear everyday. Fear of talking to people, fear of making friends and fear to live. Its just a brief story here,

And now lets skip where i am and how i feel and what should i do to make my life better. thanks for being with me ^^.


I have 20 years old. My beliefs are strong, i like to think about me as a high inteligent person. this experience was a curse, but still; i harversted a good experience from it. Im now in a new town. I try to work like a normal person, to pay rent and live a normal live. I have a girlfriend, 1.5 years now. I love her with all my heart and he loves me back the same [ she knows my story, she try to understand but its hard for her] Im such an emotional person. today i love her and i want to mary her, tommorow i hate everything about her and so on. Everyday living another emotion , another path and its frustrating. I have no social skills, people freak me out, cant handle a conversation and i cant go out and feel good. Always worrying about what to say, agitated and scared that they judge me and they will make fun of me. I try to act normal and this is the hard part of it. Because im not, and only my gf knows my struglle.
I feel bad staying in home and play games all day, i want to have friends, to go out and explore. But i cant, i lay in bed and feel bad of not doing anything. If i get up and do something it can be a verry hard experience. Dont get me wrong, i still have good days, everyone has. But they fade out fast. I cant be happy and chill because when i am that way im scared that fear will come back and i whink only how i can stay chill and run from fear and saddness.. I have a hard time at work too.. I change jobs as i change my clothes. I just cant handle the people, the emotion rollecoaster. If smth bad hapennd, if i have a negative emotion in that place, i tend to quit job in that day, whitout questioning, staying again in bed all day and feel bad without money for everything. this is my 4th job in 1 year and i wrote this because i wanna run at home again... I feel empty, but still full of beauty. I have soo much to offer, and so much love to give.. so much but i cant, i cant talk, cant make friends and the worst part is that people think im happy and live a good life. I want to want to go out, not pubs or clubs. I want to feel alive. i want to walk in park without thinking about my negative emotions and be "Cringe" and awkard all the time. I want to enjoy anything... I really try, but its so hard and i feel so alone, not that i dont have people around me. Alone in my existence, no one want to talk about my problems i swear, when i start talking they are " really? youuu? cmmon man, why you so sad, get over it. you are ok " and its so frutstrating because im NOT. I really think that i have some borderline personallity disorder in a kind of way. And also, i try to please everyone, listen to everyone, even if i dont like them or i just think that they are pure #######4... I pretend that i like everyone because i dont like me and im scared that people will see this and will not like me either. Thanks for reading all, i really dont know what to say more. I tried therapy, but its just what i can think and analize by myself and nothing that i can apply. It makes me feel normal in a kind of way, and im not. I dont want to be. IF this is the reality , i dont want to be a part of it. I dont want to die, i like this planet, the humans, spirit, trees, weed, music, games, laughting and i just want to ENJOY simple things, without over analyze them until they go bad. This is my first time explining this to a community, peace and love for all of you.
ButterPants
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Re: First time sharing my story

Postby helloagain » Fri May 12, 2017 10:00 pm

Hi ButterPants, thanks for sharing your story. The world has been cruel to you. But you still love the world. That is because you are good. We all love you. We welcome you as our friend. Never feel lonely. We are always here to listen to you and sympathize with you and help you with moral support.
*mod edit*
Last edited by realityhere on Sat May 13, 2017 2:42 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Please refrain from diagnosing, it is against the forum rules.
helloagain
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