Dealing with the aftermath of childhood selective mutism

Hey everyone. I've was thinking a bit about my childhood selective mutism and I wanted to kind of get some thoughts off my chest.

As a child, from pre-school all the way up to high school graduation, I did not speak in school. At the time, I was afraid that my classmates and everyone would flip out if I started talking so I just stayed silent. It had a lot to do with expectation too. No one expected me to talk at school, so I didn't. At home I was very normal and talkative with my family, but if a classmate happened to see me at the grocery store I would go silent again. I only had friends online.

Now I am in college and 22 years old (female). I am currently looking for a professional job in my field, and I can definitely see the impact my selective mutism had. I have low self-esteem. I feel like I can't form words quickly especially in stressful situations. Improvising is nearly impossible. I just feel so left behind when it comes to social skills. This really worries me because I have a hard time in interviews and I've gotten rejected a few times. I'm really trying to make friends, but thinking of what to say next or ask people trips me up and I sound awkward. I'm angry at myself for never trying to speak because I missed out on so much. I wish I could start over and be a normal kid/teenager.

Sometimes I'm really hopeful and feel like I'm making progress. Sometimes I feel hopeless again like I won't get anywhere in life. I know the important thing is to keep pushing myself though and not blame it on chance. I could really use some support lately because of the rejections I am facing trying to get jobs and make friends.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I'd like to hear your stories and advice is welcome!

I can kind of relate. Im a 27yo guy and i wish i could start my childhood over again. I grew up with a severe stutter that seemed to get worse as i got older. I had a few friends that i saw as family but was completely shut off around anyone new. I just wouldnt talk to anyone i didnt grow up with. Eventually highschool ended and i ended up clinging to my friends in order to avoid living life and growing up. We wouldnt go out anywhere. Just smoke weed and play video games. Eventually all my friends moved away and ive felt stranded ever since. I really regret never having made an effort to make new friends. I have no idea how to talk to people because deep down i still feel that anyone i didnt know as a child is off limits and outside my circle. I get what you mean when you say improv speeking is hard. Growing up with a stutter means you only speak when you absolutely have to. Anyway, as far as job interviews keep trying. Even experienced people get alot of rejections. Its not personal its just how yhe job market is. Hang in there