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How to deal with this?

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How to deal with this?

Postby raqulka » Thu May 11, 2017 1:35 pm

Hey guys. I'm new and I don't know what to do anymore nor where to turn for help anymore. I have visited many psychiatrists, taking loads of different AD's etc. But I will tell you all.

To start of, I am not native English speaker so my text may contain errors including misspelled medicine names etc.

I am 25 years old male.

My childhood has never been easy to say. My parents were constantly fighting as long as I remember. When I became 5 years old my father and mother got divorced. During the court we (i have a sister) were asked where asked who we want to live with and since my sister was 9 years old already (I was 5)
she was able to decide and I had to go with her decision. She chose our mother. For close to a year I was told my father is bad, evil and he doesn't want anything to hear from us which was all a lie: she called us every week and wrote to us, but my mother and grandparents did not say anything to us. During April when I was close to becoming 6 years old, my mother died in a fatal car crash. I remember this day picture perfect. But since I was so young, I was told that mother went to paradise and she is never coming back- classic, I know.

After few months of my mothers passing my grandparents allowed me to visit my father until one day my dad said that you will live with me now. I loved where my dad lived, we did a lot of great $#%^ together and everything seemed to get better. I went to kindergarten and pre-school where things started to get worse again- every single mistake I made I got yelled at. I remember this one thing when I had to remember all the months in English ( I was about to become 7 years old) and I just couldn't. My dad was just yelling and screaming I am an idiot etc. Eventually I aced the months test. And then I went to school. I was diagnosed with ADHD and I got a note (mark?) from teacher every single day for a year because I did something bad like talking in class and such. I was constantly yelled at, but my father said and promised that he will never hit me, until the end of my first class... One of my "friends" suggested we should jump out of the school window and see what happens. I did because I was stupid. We were sitting outside the window for 25 minutes, until the cops came and took me to my father. We drove home in complete silence. When we got home, my father beat me exactly 3 times with his leather belt. I felt (feel) betrayed and I was crying like crazy: my only role model lied to my face.

I transferred to another school and I as of that point I was afraid of my father. Every time I got a bad grade, I did not tell my dad about it, because he would start yelling at me so I just lied that I did not get any grades or if I got good grades, I told about those. Eventually my father found out that I lied about those bad grades and I got beat up with the same leather belt. I remember how the belt looked til today. Sometimes the marks on my legs and back where so bad that I was too afraid to go to the swimming lessons or gym lessons so I told I forgot the bag at home. When I got home, I got beaten again because I lied about not having my training clothes. The beatings continued til I was 14 years old and then they stopped because my father did not look at my grades anymore and told me that I am on my own.

When I got 12 I started smoking (doing snus which is a smokless tobacco) and my life was going better. I was not so stressed but when I got 14 I started to get these weird headaches in the morning which eventually lead me to abusing a lot of Ibuprofen when I was 14-18. In the end (17-18 years old) I was taking 5-7 pills a day so I would not get any headaches. I went to a doctor when I turned 18, had CT scan and all that, and everything was clean. This doctor prescribed me Xanax (wtf?). I showed it to my father who said I ain't taking these. So another year passed while I continued abusing ibuprofen until I went to a different doctor in 8 months. She said I have chronic headache syndrome, depression and medicine induced headaches. I was prescribed Topamax and Amitriptyline.

During my 19 birthday I moved to the Untied States for my studies. My life was going better, I stopped Ibuprofen, I stopped all tobacco and were taking my medicine. I was living my dream, but trouble started. I started to get really strong migraines due to quitting Ibuprofen. All my days became constant fear of getting those headaches (trust me, they were really bad: I had to lay down in complete silence, couldn't walk, couldn't sleep, talk) and since I was not allowed to take any medicines for pain then I just had to wait it out. It was 5-12 hours of extreme struggle which made the fear of getting those headaches.

Eventually I found out that I was going to "for profit" school. I transferred to community collage. But they did not have my major and I had to take general education courses. My first semester was perfect. I found new friends, I had 4.0 GPA, but everything went to $#%^ again. Next semester I did not get the courses I wanted and I had to take some $#%^ I did not even need. I was in programming major, but I had to take biology for 2 semesters which did not make any sense to me. Since I did not have any scholarship, the school became quite expensive. It started to get on my nerves and I became depressed that my father is spending all that money on nothing. I told my dad I want to leave the states because it is not worth it. He told me every single day that if I quit now, I will not be worth more than a ######6 bus driver. The argument got so bad, that I tried to commit suicide with a car, until one of the drivers honked at me and I pulled away from a concrete wall. My father eventually told me that I can leave the States if I continue studies somewhere else. Thankfully my best friend was studying in Denmark and thats where I ended up studying the exact things as I wanted.

Everything was great. I visited my home country, I was studying, everything was in place. I found a girlfriend who moved to Denmark with me, but our life together was far than perfect. We had a fight every single day: I did not trust her at all. So eventually we had a really huge fight and I kicked her out. Since I was really drunk I could not think much of it and went to bed. In the morning the reality hit me... I knew what I had done. I went to the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack Daniels and I started smoking again. I started drinking 3-6 beers everyday. Plus the break up, my school was falling apart. One of my teachers was failing me on purpose which made me fall behind all the other courses because I was dealing with that one $#%^. I was able to get another examiner and I passed the test with flying colors- 12 points out 12. I was able to continue, but since I was so behind on other courses I gave up and took out my papers the same evening. I went back to my home country where I had to move back to my parents house.

I started looking for a job but I did not get anything until my father proposed a job for me. For notes I kept studying on my own for every single day and I was educating myself pretty fast. We made and application (web, mobile app) with my father and it looked like my life was good again. I even got a new girlfriend but due to my stupidity I cheated her with the ex I kicked out- that was the biggest mistake ever. I never told my girlfriend that but it was eating me alive. I was finally able to put it behind me until in April 2016 she sent me a message (the ex) that does my girlfriend know I cheated her so she started blackmailing me. I got really bad stomach aches due to stress and anxiety until I collapsed. I had to give up smoking and snus for the second time which was harder than first time. As of that point I was constantly afraid of the stomach aches. I and my girlfriend has a trip to the states planned in July and that trip went to $#%^ since I was constantly afraid of my stomach aches which eventually came because I was waiting for them, thinking constantly when they will come... We got back and we were ###$.

During summer my parents (father and stepmother) had a really huge fight, where my father attacked me physically and I had to move out. This put a lot of load on me. In september 2016 I broke up with my girlfriend, because I did not feel anything. I had made my own company by that time and it seemed things were going better again: I found an apartment, moved out etc.

During the end of 2016 (December) I found a new girlfriend who I love and we are still together but I started to get insomnia and I got this really weird feeling in my stomach. It is really hard to describe the feeling... I feel like my lower abdomen is really hard and it does not hurt but it feels like full and I feel like something is not right, like butterflies in the stomach but only bad ones. Only thing that was soothing the pain was alcohol. So I told my dad about it and he made an arrangment with psychologist who I was able to talk to and she prescribed me new medicine. I started taking Amitriptyline again and Zoloft. Amitriptyline improved my sleep a lot, but Zoloft did not work. Then I was prescribed Cymbalta which did not work as well. I started to get really bad anxiety attack and I was prescribed Oxazepam. I have never taken it because I am afraid of addiction. After 1 month I was prescribed Efexor which worked for like 1 month. The feeling in my stomach was minimal but as of today it is back and with a revenge... Yesterday I had a fatal incident with a police and I smoked 6 cigarettes and today the stomach feeling is unbearable. Since February I do not feel like myself at all- like something is wrong. I get extremely angry at everything, I am constantly agitated, my legs won't stay on the same place.

I know some of you will say that all of my problems are my own fault and some of them are indeed and I do not deny them, but I am in desperate need of help. I do know what to do anymore... Am I the only one with this issue? I am getting these really dark thought again about killing myself, drinking all the time, smoking (trying not to)... I am giving up hope.
raqulka
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Joined: Thu May 11, 2017 12:20 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 27, 2017 2:46 pm
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