(Content warning: mention of abuse, dissociation?)
I am not sure which category this would have been best posted under... Which is why I went with General, I hope it's okay. This is something that's extremely hard for me to talk about as I've been scared/ashamed of this pretty much throughout my childhood and onto early adulthood.
I don't have very many memories of my childhood, in particular of certain periods that I can only assume were either just uneventful or difficult to go through. A lot of the "memories" I have are fabricated (I've been shown pictures and/or told how it happened, so now I "remember" them). I've always had this tendency to daydream a lot and make up stories in my head with characters that more or less represent me or what I'd like to be, which I think is very normal to an extent.
The first of two things that bother me about it is that I sometimes tend to retreat in my head, in these stories, so much that I have a hard time functioning in my day to day life. I feel detached, it's all I think about and it gets to the point where I "feel" what the characters feel and everything else is muted. Just a couple years ago I spent a whole week in Paris with a friend and all of my memories are fuzzy at most, because I was "stuck" in my head all this time and kind of... experiencing things through someone else? If that makes sense. I eventually get back to normal, but it can take anywhere from an hour to a couple weeks. (I have experienced dissociation several times in other contexts and it feels kinda similar?)
The second thing (and that is the part that is hardest for me to admit) is that the main characters of these stories, whether I modeled them after myself or not, are always victims of abuse in one way or another. Even when I was a child, I remember having very graphic, violent ideas of physical, emotional and sexual abuse that would happen to these character, usually repeatedly.
My mum has been emotionally and verbally abusive with me and I have been bullied in school as a kid but aside from that I have no memory of being abused, nor do I have reasons to believe it might have happened... But I have most definitely been (unintentionally) obsessed with the idea for a long time.
The earliest I remember having experienced both of these was at the age of 9 or 10, I spent almost an entire day in bed "trapped" in my head, in a story where the main character had been repeatedly abused... I remember because my mum was upset that I was just in bed "doing nothing". No idea if it ever happened before that though.
Does anyone relate to any of this?
I am not expecting definite answers but hearing that other people have had similar experiences would definitely help me make sense of it. :/
As I said, it's very hard for me to talk about. I have never told anyone about this before and it took me years to convince myself to post this, on a forum where no one knows me. I fear being judged, I fear not being taken seriously or being told I'm lying...
I apologize for any typos I may have forgotten, I'm having a lot of brain fog tonight.