I need some advice. The people I am close to are starting to be bothered by some weird behaviors I've had for a long time. I guess I'll describe a bunch and then explain:
I have an extreme fear of being in a house/dorm/job alone. I become overcome with paranoia and weird suspicion that something is going to happen or somebody is going to hurt me. When I was a teenager my parents would leave me home alone so they could go to my brothers lacrosse games. We had an average sized single family home. The moment their car left the driveway I would run room to room making sure every window was locked, cabinet was shut, doors had to be shut, shower curtains open, and I had to be in a room that I could lock the door to with a window I could fit out of. And, I would keep a landline phone with me at all times with 911 already dialed. I would not leave that room until they came back home. If I heard a noise my heart would race and sometimes I'd even throw up from the weird belief that somebody had broken in.To this day I am still like this even in my dorm room. Every night I make sure every door, cabinet, etc. is shut. My bedroom door has to be locked. I have an inherent distrust of people and kind of feel like everyone has a motive to what theyre doing. I have difficulty connecting with people and feel like they think i am weird.
Another weird thing is that I am 22 now, and I still have to sleep with some sort of light on. If I have no lights on there is a 0% chance of me falling asleep. When I was a kid I used to always tell my parents I saw people in my room at night. I still feel like theres a presence in my room if its pitch black. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and have to be fully wrapped in a super thick blanket to be able to sleep.
Finally, I feel guilty a lot. Even without reason or fault I have a weird feeling of guilt. I always feel like I've done something wrong. When I was a kid there was a cop who could come down my street sometimes and I would be 100% convinced he was coming to arrest me and I would cry and freak out until I threw up or fell asleep. Now I constantly feel like I've done something wrong at work.
I've developed more little behaviors and have become more agitated recently. I don't know why, but I notice it too. These behaviors have become more amplified, I constantly feel like somebody is out to get me. I have no idea what to call this. I don't know what it could be, but its obviously abnormal.
My boyfriend wants me to do something about it, but I don't know what. I've been trying to figure out what could be the underlying issue, but I've had trouble finding anything online. I think its paranoia, not anxiety. its totally irrational, and I can recognize that after the fact. but in the moment I cannot think about anything else. I am totally focused on noises, shadows, etc.
Can anybody relate? Do any of you have a confirmed diagnosis? We have a psychiatrist on campus but I am scared to visit. I fear having a mental illness. I don't want people to make assumptions about me.