mentalpeace wrote:Hi there, I am new to this forum so please if I have posted this under the wrong topic let me know. I read through most but couldnt find a forum category that seemed to suit my questions.
I am having a lot of difficulty mentally getting over, what I call, and obsession of someone.
This is in no way sexual or relationship based, she is an old "friend" and there is some baggage there which possibly makes this more complicated.
I will try to explain the background & context as best as I can, and as short as I can.
Who she is: my fiances, best friends fiance.
We met 5 or so years ago through my current partner. She was a mutual friend of his and his best friends. Pretty soon my partner and I got into a relationship, and she did with his best friend. She is older than me, by around 4-5 years (almost 30). At first we got along really well, I considered her a friend and she was there for me when I didn't have many friends at the time. I thought she was an insanely cool chick and just thought the world of her. At this time we all used drugs, and things started to change after I tried to kill myself. Her attitude that was.
Prior to this, I saw signs of competitiveness and possibly jealousy - which I hadn't experienced from another female in some time. She would make small comments to me (very nicely) to sort of put me in my place or second guess how special I was. An example: she went to a concert with the boys, I didn't go as I wasn't really close with them at that stage. She said to me "I really knew the boys loved me when they bought me a ticket to come with them". I later found out she purchased her own ticket and went with them - the boys hadn't organised for her to come. This type of stuff. Why say it other than to attempt to make me jealous?
I started to feel like she didn't like me, which hurt. But that was ok. I didn't force anything, but we sort of had to be in each others lives as when the boys would go to the pub etc. she would come over and have to stay with me. Which I knew she was never happy about.
The next big thing was that she made a few comments that made me feel like I was copying her - in the way she dressed etc. Look, maybe I was. I thought she was really cool. The problem was she had an issue with it. I remember one day she came over and the boys left - she was wearing some cute rings and I asked her (as most girls would in conversation) where she got them from. She went to answer, paused, smirked, giggled and said she couldnt remember. This to me made me feel like she didn't want to tell me because she thought I would go out and buy them. It made me feel $#%^. Like I was pathetic.
After a while we didn't spend much time together, we moved and we saw each other maybe once a year. But I had her on social media and found myself repeatedly obsessing over her, stalking her account, to the point of going through her photos constantly, looking at what pages she had liked etc. It really upsets me admitting that - but I was obsessed. I became overly jealous, they were going on holidays, got engaged, bought a beautiful home. I actually cried at all of these instances. My partner sort of clued onto my jealously, and while he was at first angry.. or maybe annoyed as he didn't understand it, I think he eventually sympathised and he told me that they were extremely in debt and couldn't afford all these things, but being the type of "keeping up with the Jonses" girl she is, her partner/his best mate couldn't say no. He told me how stressed the partner was and all these other details and I think that moment made me really think realistically about what I wanted in life, what I had, and that honestly the jealousy was stupid. I would say I am no longer jealous of material things anymore, or her relationship etc.
Later down the track, she started dancing where I was dancing. We started having to see each other more often, she was always lovely but she always left me feeling horrible. Her younger best friend also attended and I just felt like everything was a competition. I became jealous of their close friendship.
Anyway - the point of it all is this - I don't know how to stop thinking about her, obsessing.
I deactivated my Facebook a month ago, which has helped (she wasn't the reason but was a bonus not having to see her life anymore) but even since then I've logged in a few times to stalk her.
I deleted her off Snapchat - as every time I saw her post I got really upset. She still follows me but I cant see her stuff. I also unfollowed her best friend of instagram and snapchat.
The two main issues are:
- How do I stop obsessing, it makes me feel so down that I am like this
- I am constantly second guessing everything I do incase she thinks I'm copying her?? Which is ridiculous.
I just don't want to think about her anymore. I don't get it, I don't understand it.
I'm a very self aware person and I've gotten through drug addiction, self harm, depression, suicide attempts and I can even deal with my social anxiety etc by myself now... but I cant get passed this?
I've tried accepting the situation, stopped denying it. I've tried seperating myself (we recently moved to a different state too so literally all contact was on social media). I just hate it because she will always be apart of my life - due to our relationships with our partners.
I also hate that we are both engaged, she is planning their wedding for end of next year and ours is about 3 years off - but we both want the same dress designer. And I found out she booked into go see them in June (they are flying to wear we live simply to get this dress) and Ive been obsessing and even booked in prior to her so that if I do get a dress from there she cant think I'm copying her?? Its effing mental. It makes me feel so horrible about myself. I just don't know what to do. I don't know why this is even a situation??
Advice / help / any idea what is going on mentally that I can do some further reading on.
I want to seek professional help but don't want to set my partner off - he will worry and I can NEVER tell him about this. I am studying nursing and want to be a psych nurse so I find that if I can do my own research it typically helps me get through things (e.g. I studied neuroscience basically on my own and thats helped with my anxiety).