I don’t know what to do. I am writing this in the hopes that someone else out there may have some words of advice for me. I am home from college on winter break and I have been feeling very dissatisfied. I have had a lot of stress due to a certain person in my life, and my anxiety has made me feel worried, upset, and persistently nervous. This person is constantly on my mind and the toxic nature of our relationship has been majorly disrupting my emotional wellbeing, even though I don’t communicate with or see them on a daily or regular basis. The stress triggers my binge-eating/compulsive overeating habits, which I have engaged in frequently over the break. All of my overeating has made me feel negatively about myself and my appearance, so I have been attempting to count my calories as a way to curb my excessive eating. Thus, when the stress has persisted and I have disallowed myself from engaging in eating as an emotional outlet, I have resorted to literally pulling my hair out along my part. I enjoy pulling my hair out as it releases “feel-good” emotions for me but have started to restrain that behavior again because my hair loss would soon become noticeable to others. Honestly, trying to manage the anxiety and restrain myself from all of my negative coping mechanisms is overwhelming and mentally exhausting. On top of that, I have not been feeling very motivated or interested in anything lately. Nothing sounds fun to me and so I grapple with constant boredom. Activities I used to enjoy instead seem like chores to me. For example, I used to enjoy painting and drawing, but I have been resistant to doing it again because my mind thinks I need to make “good” quality art and that pressure I have placed on myself makes me not want to do it at all. I am slowly getting back into it, trying to tell myself that it is “ok” to just play around with the paint and not worry about producing anything beautiful or “perfect”. For the most part though, I have been sitting on the couch, wasting my days away scrolling through social media on my phone, wishing I had someone else’s body, or talents, or life. I feel like I have so many different problems on my plate right now that I don’t even know where to start to try and get myself feeling better. It doesn’t help that I have no support system of family or friends to go to about my feelings. My family has no idea what problems I even have besides that I go to therapy for them. And I have never felt close enough to any friends to disclose these struggles of mine. I am very unhappy, but I also feel stuck. I have been in therapy for over two years, and no significant progress has happened. My therapist has recommended I try medication time and time again though I have always resisted because that would require communicating with my family, which I felt unable to do. However, lately I have been asking myself when will enough be enough? How much longer will I let myself continue to suffer and why am I allowing this? My therapist has talked about how people might be unwilling to change because they are comfortable in the “known”, even if the known means that they will continue to feel unhappy. She also spoke of catalysts and how perhaps I will not be ready for change until some major event or situation triggers me in such a way to become my catalyst. I really don’t know. I am sick of suffering but also stuck in a rut. I feel trapped in a cage, even though I know that I am also the only one that holds the key. I am the only one who can really advocate for myself and at least try to get the change I need to feel better. I need help though. I need motivation, encouragement, etc. I’m tired of being afraid of my family, that they will judge me. I’m tired of feeling ruled by my emotions, and by food, and by my brain.