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Extremely depressed, I'm getting really close

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Extremely depressed, I'm getting really close

Postby Precious922 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:25 pm

I have been severely depressed again. I'm getting really close to yet another suicide attempt if I don't admit myself to the hospital again. I am so afraid. I hate my job so much. Thinking about having to go in throws me into a terrible panic attack. My job is so boring and requires zero thinking. Therefore it allows me to obsess about my flaws and obsess over suicidal thoughts all night long. I hate that place so much, I wish it would burn to the ground. I applied for disability, only to receive a letter in the mail asking about my work history. It said they were trying to decide if I really needed disability or not. I can usually get a job, but never keep it for that long due to my mental illness. If I don't get on assistance I am really ###$. I'll probably be homeless, as I see myself quitting this job very soon since my mental health is rapidly declining again. I need to be taken care of. I hate admitting that but I finally do now. I NEED someone to take care of me. I cannot handle living like a normal adult can. I cannot handle even the simplest of tasks anymore. I am constantly fighting with my own mind. I can barely get out of bed, feed myself, or even find the drive to take a damn shower.
Besides being completely crippled by horrible depression and anxiety I am also having problems with my medical insurance and everything else. I am unable to get help because I am still on my parent's medical insurance. I cannot get on my own government insurance because I am still living with my parents. I cannot get on foodstamps or welfare because I still live with my parents and am on their case. The state will not give me my own case because I live with them. So my parent's income counts as MY income, even though they do not support me financially at all. I am stuck here because they will not help me AT ALL because I still live with them. How can I even move out with no help? It isn't like my mom is going to help me get out, she loves me being here where she can control me, She's a narcissist and sees me as an extension of herself. I HATE feeling like I am stuck here. Can't get help because I still live here, but can't move out because I can't get help. What the ###$!!!! I just want to kill myself so I don't have to deal with this crap. If I kill myself, then I wouldn't have to worry about being stuck here for the rest of my life, I wouldn't have to worry about having no insurance, I wouldn't have to worry about my stupid terrible job. I wouldn't have to worry about anything. God I hate myself and I hate my life so damn much. I can't stand it anymore. I am so sick of living like this!! I need a way out. I just so desperately want to kill myself and get it over with already. I cannot stand this bullcrap anymore. I'm so done. I can't take it that much longer....
The Damage: Severe recurrent major depression, PTSD, Borderline personality disorder, Anxiety...
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Re: Extremely depressed, I'm getting really close

Postby peace777 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:34 pm

Precious 922:

I also suffer from depression and just a couple of hours ago I was lying in bed wishing I had the courage to end it all. I decided to force myself to shower (today is day five without one). Afterward, I logged on here just to feel like I could find some kind of connection with someone who understands what I am going through. Then I saw your post. My story is much like yours. I grew up with a narcissistic father and no mother. I got married at 19 to a man who five years later became mentally ill and epileptic.
The next 20 years were, putting it nicely, a nightmare. It started with verbal and emotional abuse and
finally ended with physical abuse. Along the way I became an alcoholic and a drug addict (my way of
coping with the abuse). I left my husband 5 months ago. I'm living with my adult son and his wife and I hate it here. When I left, I had to leave everything; my home, my car, my sister who lived next door to me. I can't work, not in the state I'm in. I hate myself too. I KNOW exactly what you're going through
mentally. I just want to feel better, but I don't know how. I don't have alcohol and opiates to dull the mental pain anymore-4 months clean. But the depression and anxiety are overwhelming. I just wanted you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, because when you spoke out, you reminded me that
I'm not alone either. I hope you reply back to this post. Maybe we can find strength from each other.
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Re: Extremely depressed, I'm getting really close

Postby sunshineNrainbows » Mon Jan 09, 2017 4:17 am

Looking for help and so far receiving nothing but misunderstanding, dismissal, indifference, and worse? Precious, that's brutal. We won't be able to take care of you in the way you're asking for, but what we can offer is perspective, encouragement, information, and the like. We can tell you you're not alone. We can tell you others have been there, survived, have been glad with their decision to not end their own lives. We can tell you it's going to be hard but, more importantly, that it can be done. We can tell you that this big gaping beast of a problem who is currently haunting your life isn't so big or gaping. Instead, it's really made up of a bunch of smaller problems which can be addressed over time.

In some ways, you're at war with both some of those around you and, perhaps most sadly, also yourself. To begin a process toward resolving this war, you need only start by working on a single battle. For you, this battle might be approached with something like this: acknowledging the problems but also where you want to end up. This can be done by reminding yourself of a simple truth "I don't want to live like this, but I do want to live!"

From here, all those internal debates about what to do and how to do it can change. All those wonderful problem-solving mechanisms within your mind can then focus less and less on suicide as an answer and more on chipping away at these numerous problems, like perhaps finding a new job and more supportive environments (hopefully we'll help with this one). Most days still may not feel good in the foreseeable future, but they can be made to feel less and less worse - they can be made to feel better and better! To begin, you can start with the truth: "I don't want to live like this, but I do want to live!"
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Re: Extremely depressed, I'm getting really close

Postby PearlyEverlasting » Fri Jan 13, 2017 7:30 am

I know how u feel. I'm 25, still st home...my mom causes alot of my anxiety..I'm in a cramped small place..been here for 3 years. Don't have a license , can't find a job...just enrolled in school and feel so nervous.
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