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Am I bad?

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Am I bad?

Postby Madman2000 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 10:42 am

I am not sure what I hope to gain from this post. I am not sure if my mind just snapped and went crazy or have I just had a major realisation?

Am I fundamentally bad?
These are the ramblings of me and 4am to try to understand my mind and work out if I spoil everyone's life around me or not. Four days in a row I have argued with my partner, a partner that I truly believe is loving and caring towards me. I misinterpret things Said to me that suggest I am a bad person and try to walk away. Ultimately it ends in an argument where I end up a bad person, so my question is "if the suggestion is true, I am a bad person or tge suggestion not true and my interpretation is wrong the argument makes me a bad person, is my logic correct and I am just bad".

I have always been surrounded by good people, these people always end up disappointed in some form. Currently I am surrounded by my partner who is completely free if my past and I end up disappointing her, is the problem me?

I'm not saying I mean to be bad, that's plain evil. However, what if I am at my core bad but try really hard to be good that I con people (including myself) that I am not bad. Is it that I am only upset that people see me as me?

I always have great plans to fix me, but me is never fixed. Does this mean that I am only ever going to hurt people?

I am good at my job, or so I believe. Should I just continue life doing this and nothing else. I would be useful to society and hurt no one in the process. Or do I aspire to be better?

If I aspire to be better am into just trying to continue on the same path I am on now? Being a forever disappointment.

To be a disappointment I must be some what convincing of being "not bad" or actually be "not bad" in some way. Fact remains I still disappoint and I am bad at some point making those either fake/non-fake moments pointless.

Do I live my life with the goal to disappoint, then when I accidentally don't I can easily feel better about myself. Possibly write at 4am a note asking the question "am i fundamentally good?"

I do love E, but do I make her miserable. I know she says if I did she would drop me, but I don't know. I sometimes wonder if she clings to the hope that I am a good person only to cloud the fact that I am not.

Do I ruin her life?

Should I care about mine?

Am I selfish?

Am I mad? - R it's 5.15am and you are referring to yourself in every person!!

What keeps me trying?

Am i broken? That question implies I can be fixed, look up! I think fixing doesn't work

Should I have given up, would people be happy right now? Two or three months would have passed. People will still have celebrated Christmas without me and lives would have continued.

Do I deserve life? I think so, but possibly a lonely one. Can't hurt people if you are not around people.

Am i mad? I think so

What do I do? If I knew that, I wouldn't be here writing this at silly o clock!!

I have not slept, is that selfish? I can't, I'm not sure I'm wanted here or anywhere else

Does the above make me a parasite? Sounds like it

Does this note make me feel better? No

Note to self - bad idea, don't do this again
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Sat Jan 07, 2017 12:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edits
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Re: Am I bad?

Postby helloagain » Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:58 am

You must have heard the quote- there is nothing either good or bad; thinking makes it so. It seems to apply to you 100%. Why don't you try to think positively instead? Because there is nothing I can see in your post that even hints that you are bad. As for the arguments, two are needed to carry them on. So you are as much guilty as your partner. I hope you are not suffering from OCD without knowing it. I say this because irrational doubts are its hallmark. Better consult a therapist if this problem continues.
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Re: Am I bad?

Postby sunshineNrainbows » Tue Jan 10, 2017 2:53 pm

Welcome to the forum, Madman. As difficult as it is to acknowledge a problem, it can be a tremendously helpful experience now that you have. Those feelings of badness, madness, and disappointment actually have an important job. Although unpleasant, these feelings need to be uncomfortable to demand our attention. They need to demand our attention because your body is attempting to communicate to you with a warning. It seems it's trying to say "What we're doing right now isn't working. We need to make some changes so our life can improve."

The question shouldn't be if you're bad, mad, or disappointing or not. The important part is you feel like you may be bad, mad, or disappointing, and you feel this way for a reason. Instead, you ought to ask yourself a different question than if you're bad or not. You ought to ask "What can I do to feel and do better than I am now?"

Some of the answers to that question might surprise you. For example, some of us have found lifestyle changes can have a profoundly positive effect on our well-being, like having a regular sleep schedule where we're asleep by midnight and awake before 9:00am. Similarly, some have also cited exercise and having more laughter in our lives as being beneficial for our personal problems as well.
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