I am not sure what I hope to gain from this post. I am not sure if my mind just snapped and went crazy or have I just had a major realisation?
Am I fundamentally bad?
These are the ramblings of me and 4am to try to understand my mind and work out if I spoil everyone's life around me or not. Four days in a row I have argued with my partner, a partner that I truly believe is loving and caring towards me. I misinterpret things Said to me that suggest I am a bad person and try to walk away. Ultimately it ends in an argument where I end up a bad person, so my question is "if the suggestion is true, I am a bad person or tge suggestion not true and my interpretation is wrong the argument makes me a bad person, is my logic correct and I am just bad".
I have always been surrounded by good people, these people always end up disappointed in some form. Currently I am surrounded by my partner who is completely free if my past and I end up disappointing her, is the problem me?
I'm not saying I mean to be bad, that's plain evil. However, what if I am at my core bad but try really hard to be good that I con people (including myself) that I am not bad. Is it that I am only upset that people see me as me?
I always have great plans to fix me, but me is never fixed. Does this mean that I am only ever going to hurt people?
I am good at my job, or so I believe. Should I just continue life doing this and nothing else. I would be useful to society and hurt no one in the process. Or do I aspire to be better?
If I aspire to be better am into just trying to continue on the same path I am on now? Being a forever disappointment.
To be a disappointment I must be some what convincing of being "not bad" or actually be "not bad" in some way. Fact remains I still disappoint and I am bad at some point making those either fake/non-fake moments pointless.
Do I live my life with the goal to disappoint, then when I accidentally don't I can easily feel better about myself. Possibly write at 4am a note asking the question "am i fundamentally good?"
I do love E, but do I make her miserable. I know she says if I did she would drop me, but I don't know. I sometimes wonder if she clings to the hope that I am a good person only to cloud the fact that I am not.
Do I ruin her life?
Should I care about mine?
Am I selfish?
Am I mad? - R it's 5.15am and you are referring to yourself in every person!!
What keeps me trying?
Am i broken? That question implies I can be fixed, look up! I think fixing doesn't work
Should I have given up, would people be happy right now? Two or three months would have passed. People will still have celebrated Christmas without me and lives would have continued.
Do I deserve life? I think so, but possibly a lonely one. Can't hurt people if you are not around people.
Am i mad? I think so
What do I do? If I knew that, I wouldn't be here writing this at silly o clock!!
I have not slept, is that selfish? I can't, I'm not sure I'm wanted here or anywhere else
Does the above make me a parasite? Sounds like it
Does this note make me feel better? No
Note to self - bad idea, don't do this again
Last edited by quietgirl2538
on Sat Jan 07, 2017 12:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edits