Hello to all,
Hoping someone could help me with my problem, which has held my life ransom for 15 years already.
I have noticed in most of my social interactions that people mirror back what I have said earlier.
A person will talk to me using the specific words, phrases and expressions that I previously used in an encounter with that person.
It happens in such a way that it seems the conversation is new and original, but in fact it is a reiteration of my words. The conversation then can build further, sometimes there is even a second answer of that person that is again actually my words that were already used in a previous encounter with them.
I notice this only after the interaction has passed, sometimes a week or a month later i get the conciouss integration where and when I originally used these words. It is rare that I remember the full details though, and I am perplexed how people can sometimes remember very clearly words that were used
It is though they want to point out something that is wrong with what I said, but pointing it out in a covert secret way.
On very rare occasions I can derive a motivation why they would use this technique, to make something clear to me perhaps.
But most of the times I can not find anything wrong with my words, meaning or intention, and that's why it baffles me even more that people would remember them sometimes so long, and use this technique of mirroring me for no apparent reason.
I realise the how of these conversations after they have passed, and thus in the moment that they happened I responded naievely just normally, true to my personality, which may be contrary to my original words, sometimes just because the context in which they are mirrored has changed, or the subtility or irony was not understood by that person.
Whenever I have a clear memory of such a conversation and engage the person that mirrored me to ask why, all of them just shrugg their shoulders, act as if they do not know what I am talking about and even lie.
I have investigated this for the last 15 years and It really holds me prisoner.
It is so prevalent, happens with young and old people, from all over the world, villagers on my travels in India and southeast asia, to family and loved ones who are positively invested in my life.
It seems always to be judgemental, you could say that holding a mirror is axactly not judgemental, but it is.
Because it is a choice not to interact and talk in a normal way. When a person uses a conversational mirror they in fact judge that the words used in that technique are worth to be mirrored back to me.
Reasons as to why could vary a lot, from hurtfull words, to weird, to misplaced socially.
Even though I realise some occasions only some time after, it seems like this technique is used against me all the time. My life and social interactions have become like one big collection of moments where I said something, and the ensuing mirroring. It feels like I am excluded from real honest conversations where there is answer and response, both original and thus an actual exchange.
This has been so painfull throughout the last 15 years that it has affected me deeply. I feel like being judged constantly, so I really concentrate to keep my words to a minimum and as normal and safe as possible. No more jokes, no more words that convey imagination, no more words with meaning that is more subtle.No original.
In fact it has gotten me in a very deep mistrusting with all people.
I still have good and caring relationships with a few people close to me, but every time they use this technique on me I feel raped and alone in this world.
Off course the obvious answer is that all people are correct and righteouss in using this mirroring technique on me, to help me understand or point out flaws that I am not aware of. I have tried writing everything down, did a lot of serious work in meditation and concioussness improving techniques like mindfullness and yoga.
But there is no change in how I can deal with this.
I have turned away so much from trying to interact with people because of this.
I have several talents that I don't share with people for thei benefit, simply because of my fear of again hitting that mirror, where I am left with a social interaction that turns me inward, lost in a search where I do not find out why they have used this technique on me again.
Also it baffles me the incredible memory people have when they do this. It seems all people in the world have a supermemory when they do this, and me I do not as I rarely remember the full scope of the original conversation.
Am I so blind about my own words ? I am intentionally deceiving myself by not being able to remember so well.
I have lost so much of my positive intentions, all I try to say and do is still based on a very deep belief of karma, trying to do good and be good.
But when even criminals and people with more evil intent, when even they use this technique on me I am really wondering if their memory and conciousness works so much better than mine that they can mirror me, but still get in to so much trouble in their own life blinded by their hatred and passions.
Finally I have decided to cast away the shame and burst this bubble, I have lived inside this artifical social conversational thing for so long that if I dont seek professional help now, my depression will break me down.
So in a first attempt I have put my story out on these forums, and it has taken me years to get the courage to do so.
Please answer with any insight or message to help me overcome this.
Overview of me :
35 year old male
not married, no children
have had love, relationships
live very natural,
healthy diet, no drugs,
no medication, never sick
travelled and seen the world,
caring for other people
and have been cared for also
very in control of my emotions,
never angry or aggresive at all.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.