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Not sure what is up with me.

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Not sure what is up with me.

Postby Afterman22 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 8:35 am

I had been unofficially diagnosed with "a touch" (whatever that means) Asperger's syndrome back at the age of 8 due to a psychological evaluation triggered by me throwing grass at a teacher. I am currently 22 and had suffered severe anxiety attack and social anxiety from the ages of 7 to present. My Depression started to show up as early as 13 to my recollection. The depression used to be over silly things like getting a B on a report card instead of all As. Over time it went from that to being depressed over not being in a relationship for a long time until late 09. My depression would come and go in waves. First wave of depression was minor lasting from late 07 until when I met my first ex in late 09. The depression came back with a vengeance by 2013 as that relationship fell apart. It made another peak in fall 2013, which is when I began to have suicidal thoughts. (I have never attempted suicide or self harm, oddly enough I never had the urge to self harm because I hate physical pain) That depression subsided in 2014 but came back yet again by January 2015 after being raped and robbed by someone who I though I could trust and finally they ended up contacting my at the time bf who then dumped me without even questioning me or finding out what happened (they avoided me entirely and refused to talk, answer calls ect), their family who was previously supportive of my relationship with him, then flipped and called me a liar, when I went over to their house to explain what happened to me. I spent the rest of that year going through two more relationship where I got dumped both times before finally pulling myself together after the depression peaked again in fall 2015, by January 2016 I got into a better relationship with someone who is honest. I had been lied to my whole life it feels like, I can't seem to relate to anyone, I am really sensitive to everything emotionally, and tend to view things in "black and white", I feel like the world has wronged me so to speak, I was bullied relentlessly inside school and out, had no friends, my family was always overly critical of me and controlling. Lately I have been feeling bitter, angry, about things, feeling more and more disconnected from the world, I had always fantasized of this better more interested world my whole life, one where things were not boring and were more logical and rational, instead of the world I live in where everything feels "fake". Sorry for the long post length, I tried to condense this as best as I could. If anyone has any specific questions though please ask. A lot of very bad stuff has happened to me over the past 7 years especially and it seems like my life just keeps getting worse and worse.
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Re: Not sure what is up with me.

Postby resaebiunne » Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:31 am

Do you live with family? I would suggest finding a job that pays enough for you to get health benefits and a small apartment. You don't have to live away from your family but far enough to get some space. Maybe this will make your family understand that you are capable of being on your own without their help. It might make them realize they can't treat you in the way that they do.

Relationships can be tricky. I would suggest taking some time and finding yourself again. Maybe take up some hobbies and find meetups where people have common interests. I picked up photography and found some meetups through meetup.com where other people into photography would take pictures as well and then go out for lunch/dinner. It's a good way to make friends or at least be social and get out of the house.

Personally I don't mind not really having friends, I'm a bit of a loner. Anyway, I wouldn't rush into a relationship again. Make friends first and see how things progress. If you find you want things to be more serious then move in that direction and see how things work out. Find people who care for you and treat you as a human being first and go from there.
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Re: Not sure what is up with me.

Postby SarahLorraine » Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:02 am

Hello! I am not very good with advice and i see Resaebiunne has already given you very good advice, but you said
If anyone has any specific questions though please ask.
I wanted to ask when that last time was when you were able to relate with someone and what you related on, if you can remember. I would also like to know about the world you fantasize about if you don't mind me asking. I ask because it has been so long since I have had anyone real to relate to and although the fake people in my fantasies are real with me and relate with me, i can tell the real people in my life are only faking, if that makes sense. So i want to hear about your fantasy, because even though it's fake at least i can relate to it, as well as other stuff you touched on. It may not fix anything, but it feels so good to me to know i am not the only one who feels this way.
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