Louise-1975 wrote:I am desperate for answers on why I push people away who I love dearly.
I feel so lonely
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts!
I do the same thing, and I have a couple theories as to why. Speaking only for myself, of course, but maybe you can relate. So first off, my self-esteem is in the toilet. It could not be any lower. When I first meet someone I am a "blank slate" to them. I'm on my best behavior because I want them to like me. Over time this isn't sustainable, because of course there's going to be conflict. It doesn't even have to be conflict with that person; it could be conflict with someone else that I handle badly and overreact to. After this happens a few times in front of my new friend/boyfriend, I start to get really embarrassed and start thinking "now they're seeing the real me". If they stick around I start to lose respect for them, because to my mind I am such an utter piece of you-know-what that anyone who wants me must be even more of a loser than I am! Talk about self-sabotage!
The other theory is that I don't feel truly loved for ME because they don't know the real me, they've only seen the mask I've shown them. They *think* they love me, but it's some other person that I'm pretending to be. Therefore, I test them by showing them my worst possible side to see if they stay. I usually do this over and over to the point that it's probably abusive, and any reasonable person would draw the line and leave me.
I don't have any advice for you as I haven't figured out yet how not to do this. But maybe that'll give you something to chew on? Try to hang in there. Are you seeing a therapist?