Dealing and accepting success

I have a bit of an odd problem/question and before I post I'd like to let you know that I didn't know where to post this, sorry

Anyways, I have a small kind of annoying issue, well two actually. First is whenever I set out to do something creative, aka paint a picture or build a house they never come out how I envisioned it. Yes, of course that's normal, but the abnormal part is I can't accept what I've done. I personally know that the image in my mind is impossible, because in my head, pictures are bent and misshapen and all kinds of little things that make me like the picture. But in real space, everything is solid and formed, configured perfectly to reality.
The second issue is I get overwhelmed with success. When I've succeeded, I enjoy it momentarily before I immediately regret whatever it is that I've done. I always want to revert back to a clean slate. I love the word clean slate so much anyways. I always want to force myself into a position of simplicity and inexperience, in order to start over.

Any advice, answers, discussions?

Hey! I have to say, this is very recognizeble for me, guy44242. The reason that i don't paint or do drawings is mostly because i can't accept it's not how i pictured it in my head. It frustrates me so much, that i decided i will no longer put myself in pain and frustration, by accepting that i just can't paint or draw. I have other talents I'm allowing myself to just accept that i'm just not a visual person. I focus on stuff that i do feel good, happy and content about, like writing and talking, things i'm actually good at, and in those things you can be very creative too. It's just another way of creativity.

The experience of getting overwhelmed by success is also recognizeble for me. When i reach my goals, there's simply no excitement anymore for me. But when i don't reach them, there is no excitement either, because then it feels like a failure. And i can't stand failing. It's like i can never be satisfied. Ever. I also having trouble by the idea being successfull, at anything. I want to be successfull, but yet, when i am, i feel no satisfaction. I also can't stand compliments on anything i achieve. I can never be proud at myself. Never have the feeling of achieving anything. When i success in something, than it just feels like 'been there done that, now get over it and go on'.

What i also recognize in your story is forcing yourself into a position of simplicity and inexperience. The 'clean slate' as you name it. That's the reason i've done ton's of new jobs in my life, and started ton's of new studies. Once i have learned something new, i get bored, and want to learn something completely new. I have it also in friendships. Once i know everything about someone, i get bored and want to get to know someone new. I don't know if this is what you mean exactly, but this is how i interpreter your story.

How i deal with all this? well, like i said, i accept that i'm no super-human and that i have other creative talents and let the painting and the drawing talent for the people who are actually the real talents, and are satisfied about their work (something i never could!). I really enjoy when someone has a visual talent, and is good at things like paint or draw and is happy about their result.

Further, i accept that i'm an über perfectionist, and that i just can never be happy about something like success. That my perfectionism is just a flaw of me, like everybody else have their flaws, and that i just can never be happy with my achievements. I like that other people seem to enjoy my achievements and successes, so i enjoy it a little bit. For others.

And about the clean slate part, also acceptance. I accept that i'm just a very complicated person, that is just 'weird' in this kind of stuff haha. Besides, all those 'clean slate's' in my life have brought to me so many different experiences, that i think that has his charm too in a way.

Be weird, be odd, be with flaws, be you. Because there is only one you, and you're just the way you are. It takes all kinds of people. That's the only thing i can give you

I fear success far more than I hate failure. I can personally accept failure, because I truly believe that the best way to improve at something is to screw it up, then find out how you screwed it up, and move on having learned something important about what not to do the next time around. Failure, to me, is literally the road to success. That's just how I see it, anyway.

But here is the kicker for me: In my twisted thought process, if I am successful, that means I have done some extremely hard work, and have done it above the expectations of practically everyone who participated (if its only me involved, then I will most likely have done research on whatever task it is I'm attempting, to gather data and form a hopefully relatively thoughtful definition of what I would consider successful in that context).

And, if I deem myself to be successful at something, for me to continue along that path to remain being successful, the amount of hard work must increase significantly. It is at that point where I am fearful of my ADD kicking in big-time and losing interest due to the ever increasing attention to detail thats required to keep succeeding.

At things I am naturally talented at (however few they may be), I typically only succeed as far as I can without having to dive too deeply into the nuances of what separates the successful from the truly great. It's the attention to small, mundane detail that my mind has a horrible time processing. Methylphenidate helps a lot, but only for short periods of time.

Everything you both have said has been helpful and I've understood them. However, beyond this, I also have a massive feeling of inferiority. Like no matter what I do I will always be worse than the worst person. I know this sounds like I just want to post for attention, but I really have nothing else to do right now besides try to fix the problem.

First of all, you don't sound like you want to post for attention to me. You sound like someone who struggle's a lot with yourself and just want to talk with people who understand. Feelings of inferiority are very familiar to me. Even i know they are a lie. I know it's easy to say to another that you're perfect just the way you are. But i know myself those feelings are very hard to believe if you just don't feel them.

I know how it's like when you're so focussed on fixing the problem. But sometimes, focussing on fixing the problem is only gonna make it worse. Sometimes you need to focus on everything but the problem, in order to fix it. I know that's so hard, but sometimes it's helping. Nevertheless, talking and venting sometimes is the right thing to do, so keep on posting whenever you feel like.

What's very helpfull for me has always been 'sentences of transformation'. Those are positive sentences you tell yourself over and over until you actually gonna feel them. Like saying out loud for example "I am a good person" or 'I believe i can concur any problem the universe gives me". At first it's very silly and stupid. You don't believe them and you don't feel them. But my experience is that, once you get over the sillyness and the stupidness, and the more and longer you say those positive things to yourself, the more they're gonna influence your thinking, and actually gonna change the way you feel. The secret lies in the repetition. And the beauty of it is, it's simple, it's free and it's something you can do on your own. Nobody has to know about you're doing it.

I don't know your background and what you've been through, probably a lot if i would guess. I know you probably won't believe it, or feel it that way, but i don't care and say it anyway: you are worth it, because everybody is. You are important to this world. I'm sure you have talents that need to blossom. You have a right to live. And you deserve the attention that will help you to get over this, whatever you're going through right now.