Am I Schizotypal?

So I seem to be going back and forth with this. I don't know if I have SPD, OCD or StPD. Probably all of them.

I'm 17 and I only came across all of this PD's fairly recently, but I seem to have always displayed traits of OCD and intrusive thoughts as a child. I daydream a lot, I talk with myself often, and I excessively introspect about things that I do or think. I've gone from googling Odepius complexes to attachment disorders, Psychopathy, to the most stupid thoughts to search on the internet. I've struggled to find my identity pretty much all my adolescence, and the more I research these things the more they scare me. I don't even know where to start. Let me try:

When I was 12 years old I had my first and only panic attack after my cousin showed me a video about ghosts on the internet. The video was a fictional short, but at the time a lot of people claimed it was real. I should note that I was already very rational at 12 years old; certainly more than people my age.
Fast forward a couple of years later and my uncle, who had been living with me for a while, died. Interestingly enough shortly before that he had a psychotic attack, where he claimed my grandma (his mother) was hiding a note, and that aliens had broke into his room and tried to abduct/kill him. But anyway, after he died I was overwhelmed with grief. I prayed that night that he would somehow resuscitate, and I was sort-of ridiculously hoping for that. After he died I guess I didn't exactly process the whole thing, so I started researching obsessively for life after death. Eventually I found out Near-death experiences and the cult around it, I even bought the book and was inclined to believe the whole thing. I just had to get an explanation for it. Surely there most be something beyond life I thought. Eventually I just grew out of it and I don't believe in a deity of any kind.

I know this may seem like an average teenage struggle, but it just doesn't end there. As a child I was very sensitive and emotional, yet ever since I was 12 I've been noticing a gradual increase of apathy. Surely depression might be associated with it, and hopefully the possible OCD thing, but I just can't figure out myself. Add that to the identity struggle. I've been portraying a facade my whole life:: I just don't know who I am anymore, but I don't think I ever fully did. It's like I've lost all my values and morals as a child. I don't think I even have a coherent type of writing. Also, the fact that I never took interest in a romantic relationship or had a crush seems to be indicative of something abnormal. I know I'm not asexual, my libido is pretty normal for a teenager. I never talked much with girls in the first place (or guys) and I never had many friends either. I've always loved my caregivers (mom and grandmother), but I never have been attached to anyone else. I do still feel great empathy for the poor, and I always like to land a hand but that's about the only interest I have in helping people. The fact that I didn't have a father figure in my life certainly didn't help, either. It's just a ###$ up mess.

$#%^, now it really does look like an average teenage struggle. Sorry, I digress. I do really seem to fit some of the symptoms though. Here it goes then:

Inappropriate or constricted affect (the individual appears cold and aloof); To some extent. Like I said, I've been increasingly apathetic for the past few years.

Behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric or peculiar; - Not really. I look pretty normal.

Poor rapport with others and a tendency to withdraw socially; - Yes.

Odd beliefs or magical thinking, influencing behavior and inconsistent with subcultural norms;
Suspiciousness or paranoid ideas; Not aside from those experiences I already detailed above.

Obsessive ruminations without inner resistance, often with dysmorphophobic, sexual or aggressive contents; - Yes. I figured this was due to the OCD though.

Unusual perceptual experiences including somatosensory (bodily) or other illusions, depersonalization or derealization; Not really.

Vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, over-elaborate or stereotyped thinking, manifested by odd speech or in other ways, without gross incoherence; Not sure what this means. I do think I have an abnormal thought process and views.

Occasional transient quasi-psychotic episodes with intense illusions, auditory or other hallucinations and delusion-like ideas, usually occurring without external provocation. No, but I have experienced occasions when I go to bed and I hear dragon-type screams in my head, mostly in a very silent environment. I think that's happened to me since I was a kid though. Another thing is sometimes I hear people who I have interacted that day in my head calling my name, but I can easily differentiate it from reality. I don't know to what extent this is abnormal or not.

I don't know how relevant this is, but I've also noticed that I have a a very abnormal and incoherent type of writing. Also, despite a lot of people telling me throughout my life how intelligent I am (specially as a child), I've always had a hard time with math, specially with logic related problems. I figured this could be indicative of the cognitive defects that's mentioned on the wiki page.

Sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get it off my chest. Is any of this ''normal''? Does this sound like StPD? Certainly OCD and a fantasy prone personality, right?

Thanks for reading.

dude. your thinking way too much. your trying to put yourself into some psychological category to try to understand yourself. this isnt going to work. American Psychiatry is sadly clueless about the nature of the human being. you see there is a very small threshold for people to be considered productive workers also known as SANE. if you dont fit into this very small threshold (which trust me you dont even want to) your diagnosed with something and put on medication. you have some inner troubles just like the rest of us. you need to stop trying to intellectualize these troubles and try to work on yourself. try doing some yoga, learn some mindfulness meditation, go to therapy, but please stop trying to put yourself into a box. you are a unique individual with no problems that cant be dealt with. you see we are like a system of pipes. if a lot of pipes get clogged and energy gets backed up all sorts of things happen. we get depressed, hallucinate, lash out, we do things that seeem mentally unstable. but civilizations have known for thousands of years that we can unclog these pipes and alleviate our symptoms, it just takes time and effort. unfortunately we do not live in one of those countries... we live in one ruled by pharmaceutical companies... but im not going to get into that. do you even know what schizotypal is? or psychopathy? or have you just read some pages on google and scared yourself. please. take a deep breathe. hold it for three seconds then exhale. see how good that felt? thats called being mindful. thats called healing. thats called feeling yourself. right now your thinking about yourself. you need to FEEL yourself. once you start feeling your body youll find all sorts of energy stuck in the dark, and youll shine light on it and you wont worry so much anymore. you are perfect under all of the layers of junk youve collected thus far in your life. the traumas, the bullies, the failed expectations for yourself, even the dirty looks people have given you. they are all stored in your body.. they build and build and build until you have so much weight on you, you think you have a mental problem! you dont have anything wrong with you. your not schizotypal. your not any label. you are you. and you are confused right now. and that is understandable, but just know that the body mind and soul that is YOU can never be simplified into a word. or even many words. message me if you wanna talk and check out this interesting video, itll give you a better understanding about how our country does not understand even slightly what " schizo" means. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFtsHf1lVI4

Firstly, your writing is absolutely coherent, more so than most actually, no issues there.

I'm somewhat interested as I was given a preliminary diagnosis of StPD recently also.

My main symptoms are social withdrawal, social anger and agitation, and perhaps resultingly, insomnia, chronic fatigue, energy "block", I suppose?

Just out of curiosity, do you experience sleep and fatigue related symptoms also?
Does your condition inhibit you in terms of work or academic performance?
I assume you're not housebound, by example?

Jimmy Dreggs wrote:Firstly, your writing is absolutely coherent, more so than most actually, no issues there.

I'm somewhat interested as I was given a preliminary diagnosis of StPD recently also.

My main symptoms are social withdrawal, social anger and agitation, and perhaps resultingly, insomnia, chronic fatigue, energy "block", I suppose?

Just out of curiosity, do you experience sleep and fatigue related symptoms also?
Does your condition inhibit you in terms of work or academic performance?
I assume you're not housebound, by example?

In regards to my writing, I meant it more in a sense that it's constantly shifting depending on my mood and the message I want to convey. It's like I can be overly articulate in some instances while others I just don't know what to say. I just feel weird.

Fatigue sure, but I figure that's more associated with depression. I usually sleep well though. It's been increasingly hard for me to go to school for the past years. I've had #######5 grades ever since. I never leave my house unless I absolutely have to, though I don't feel good inside it either. I don't belong anywhere and I don't want to do anything.

Neither of those symptoms seem to be necessarily specific of StPD, though. Anyone with depression can feel like that. I guess I was a bit afraid and anxious when I made this post, but I don't think I really qualify for StPD. I'm definitely weird and nearly everything about me deviates from normality, but I don't know where that leaves me.

theetoie wrote:dude. your thinking way too much. your trying to put yourself into some psychological category to try to understand yourself. this isnt going to work. American Psychiatry is sadly clueless about the nature of the human being. you see there is a very small threshold for people to be considered productive workers also known as SANE. if you dont fit into this very small threshold (which trust me you dont even want to) your diagnosed with something and put on medication. you have some inner troubles just like the rest of us. you need to stop trying to intellectualize these troubles and try to work on yourself. try doing some yoga, learn some mindfulness meditation, go to therapy, but please stop trying to put yourself into a box. you are a unique individual with no problems that cant be dealt with. you see we are like a system of pipes. if a lot of pipes get clogged and energy gets backed up all sorts of things happen. we get depressed, hallucinate, lash out, we do things that seeem mentally unstable. but civilizations have known for thousands of years that we can unclog these pipes and alleviate our symptoms, it just takes time and effort. unfortunately we do not live in one of those countries... we live in one ruled by pharmaceutical companies... but im not going to get into that. do you even know what schizotypal is? or psychopathy? or have you just read some pages on google and scared yourself. please. take a deep breathe. hold it for three seconds then exhale. see how good that felt? thats called being mindful. thats called healing. thats called feeling yourself. right now your thinking about yourself. you need to FEEL yourself. once you start feeling your body youll find all sorts of energy stuck in the dark, and youll shine light on it and you wont worry so much anymore. you are perfect under all of the layers of junk youve collected thus far in your life. the traumas, the bullies, the failed expectations for yourself, even the dirty looks people have given you. they are all stored in your body.. they build and build and build until you have so much weight on you, you think you have a mental problem! you dont have anything wrong with you. your not schizotypal. your not any label. you are you. and you are confused right now. and that is understandable, but just know that the body mind and soul that is YOU can never be simplified into a word. or even many words. message me if you wanna talk and check out this interesting video, itll give you a better understanding about how our country does not understand even slightly what " schizo" means. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFtsHf1lVI4

Thank you for your answer. I guess that brings me relief to some extent. I recognize I was a bit panicked while I was writing this, and it's often hard for me to process everything. I guess everyone wants to belong to some category of known issues to feel relieved, but like you said, it's all meaningless labels in the end. I should probably find a psychologist, but I'm just too tired of this life that I lead. I'm tired of this fking country. I'm tired of this dysfunctional family. I just want to get away from all of it and it seems the more things I do the more I seem to be prolonging my stay. I've been exactly in the same mental state for over 3 years with no help, doing the same thing -- sitting on a computer chair for over 16 hours a day playing videogames. The more I interact with people the worse I feel. I just can't relate to them and their #######4 talk of sports, cars and whatever the fk normal people talk about and their meaningless feelings. Sometimes I feel like I have had the perfect upbringing to become one of one of those autistic kids who end up shooting their school. Mine is probably even worse. No father figure, mildly neglected by my mother. I only realize now how much this has possibly affected and conditioned my life. It's depressing.

Sorry for the long rant, yet again. I just don't know myself. It's like I have no identity. I don't have a core set of values I should live by. I know enough how to play my facade, but I barely know how to genuinely interact with people. There's no real me, and every day I seem to get more detached from its remains.

you are thinking way too negative.i've heard and experienced about how thoughts can control each and everything that happens to you.

can you tell me how a schizoptyal person behaves?