What's wrong with me and why?

Hello people, I'm in a very unpleasant state of mind and it's been going on for a few years now and I'm slowely starting to lose my personality because of it. I've been trying to fix myself for a long time, but no matter what I do I just can't kill the darkness in my soul. It's taking too long and I'm becoming very desperate, so I'll try to explain as detailed as I can just what is bothering me and how this might have happened during my time growing up. This is my story: As a kid I was very loving, humorous and I had a lot of imagination. During the years in primary school I was not very popular though, because I was very shy, sensitive and a tad insecure. I also had a hard time standing up for myself most of the time until people would push me to the max limit and I would become very agressive and angry. On top of that I wasn't really able to concentrate on my schoolwork and I'd just watch out the window or joke around with other kids instead. Because of this I never finished my tasks and the other kids made fun of me because I was slow. During these years I actually thought I was a dumb kid and I remember that this made me feel “different”, but it never really made me depressed. I only felt a tad more insecure about my (self-proclaimed) lack of intelligence. My first feelings of actual “depression” came at the age of ten or eleven I think. I started to become interested in sex and me and a friend of mine started looking at porn together out of curiousity. This boy was a bit weird because he lacked oxygen at birth (no offence, he was a good friend) and often he would come up with crazy things to do. I actually felt bad watching porn, but eventually me and my friend would try out sexual things with each other and I started to feel even worse. During that time I developed a major feeling of shame but at the same time I would continue to explore sexual things with this guy. I started to think I was gay and he even told me that we where both gay even though I denied it. I felt very very bad about this because I knew I wasn't gay, but doing these things felt good anyway. Eventually I stopped doing this with my friend and I started masterbating to porn. This made me feel very bad also and even though I didn't believe in god I started praying after every masterbation session and I asked god for forgiveness. After keeping this a secret for about a year and thinking about suicide because of this I told my parents about it. They didn't get mad at all and told me it was actually quite normal for boys my age to explore things sexually and I felt very relieved, but even though I felt better the feelings of guilt about myself were still there sometimes. It took me very long before I started to realise that sex and masterbation is normal. I don't know how all of this affected me later in life, but I DO know that this “secret” was the first thing I ever felt suicidal and depressed about. When I was about thirtheen to fourteen years old I didn't feel bad about this anymore. I started to worry about other things. The next time I fell into a mild depression it was because of a girl that rejected me. I still was a shy and insecure guy and it took me a lot of guts to even tell the girl I liked her. When she rejected me I became very offensive to the girl and I actually got mad. I even started to threath her in a way because I was so upset. Later in life I got rejected a few times more and instead of getting angry I just started to get more depressed. Then when I was sixteen years old a girl once told me I have a small dick (probably just joking I realise now but it made me feel horrible). We where having a sleepover/movienight at a friend's house and I walked around in my underwear. I was drunk so I started bragging about my “big dick” (just stupid boy stuff) and the girl told me it wasn't big and everyone started laughing. After this event I started comparing my dick to pornstars and I realised mine wasn't that big (it's above average, just not porn big) so I started to feel inadequate even though I knew I was normal. Eventually I started to get off on “cuckold/CFNM” porn shortly after this and I just couldn't help but feel like I really had a tiny dick. When I was seventeen I had my first real girlfriend, but my jealousy ruined everything. I was obsessed with the thought that I loved her more then she loved me and I felt like I didn't deserve her. She was/is kind of hot. She was very tall (6'1” I'm 6'3” so she wasn't too tall for me), she had a cute feminene appearence and her ass was great. Maybe this made it even more so that I felt like I wasn't enough for her. She actually told me that she was happy with my dick size, but I just didn't buy it. My weird fetish made me feel like she should be with a big black guy and not with me (yeah interracial porn is my main interest). Eventually I broke up with the girl because I just couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster. I started working out shortly after that because I hoped that it would make me more manly. The opposite was true because it actually made me realise that I'm not an alpha male. I worked out very much and I started to become obsessed with my body for the next 6 months or so until eventually I decided that my body was hopeless. I started to notice how wide my hips actually are and how feminine my build is. It made me curious about my testosterone levels and I had them tested. I really felt that testosterone was the reason for all my problems. My insecurity, my weird fetish, my lack of assertiveness, my emotional instability and irritability. So I had a blood test drawn in the morning and it came back at 16 nmol/l with a normal range of 8 to 35 nmol/l. I'm still convinced that this is pretty low. Then I started to google a lot about hormones, alpha males, beta males, attractiveness in males and all that stuff. I also started smoking pot. Eventually I started to become so frustrated and angry at myself that the only thing that made me feel good was smoking weed. First I did it with friends and for the last few months I actually started to avoid people and rather stay inside, smoke weed and play videogames,. Now I'm twenty years old and my problems are getting worse. I also damaged my penis by doing jelqing (an excersise that should help your penis grow bigger) and I have chronic testicle ache because my ball got stuck in a vacuum penis pump. All of this is making me very very sad and I feel like I've allready destroyed my life and maybe suicide really is the only answer to my problems. At home I cry and scream in anger all day, while I'm a senseless zombie at school. I decided to stop smoking pot and avoid drinking much though, because when I'm drunk I often feel like I want to do more drugs (tried coke and pills when drunk) and most of the time I get in a state of mind where I feel like I should drink/do drugs till I die to end my misery. I've only stopped smoking pot for five days now, but I feel motivated to do so because my symptoms are getting worse. I now have more anxiety and more trouble remembering things. My mind seems to work very slow and I have all the symptoms of depression now. I hope you're still reading because that means that you know my whole life story now and maybe some of you can tell me wich of these things caused my problems. I feel like my cuckold fetish and depression go hand in hand and today I STILL think that testosterone might be the answer to some of my problems even though I know that I'd need to work on my cognital behaviour too. Thanks for reading all of this and I hope you people can help me find a solution. In a nutshell I really NEED to get rid of my fetish and I want to feel like a man again. Also.. is it possible that my problem is actually caused by an imbalance in my hormones, neurotransmitters and andrenall function? I mean my childhood wasn't THAT bad, right? I just "felt" bad about everything I did and what others told me.

Ohh, that is awful. And I know that because your story is very close to mine. It was if like i am reading about myself i certain steps of your development. That is good, it means that it can be something standart. For starters check yourself with psychiatrist or psychologist. It is no shame and they might help. At least they can put you on some antidepressants just to jump over the depression and not think about suicide. We all have something to live for and i know that for you it is unberable now, you feel inadequade, probably like an idiot. But things sometimes get better. Let me tell you my story.

Now I am 25 y/o. I am now in different hell, but it looks a little bit brighter than yours. So let me give you my story and the places it crosses with your.
I was always super sensitive of others comment (partly because of my father and abusive grandmother i was living with for a while as a kid). I was funny, bright even though i have never felt smart. I felt stupid and not good enough. As you said it shy, insecure, easily afraid, didn't stand for myself because probably i didn\t feel very smart for that, as if i didn't know what words to use or who I really am so that i can defend that self (if you get what i mean). There were bullies that made one school vacation a living hell, torment. That put me really down. Gey experienses - i had those as a kid, there were these two boys when i was how - maybe 10. There were younger than me, and were experimenting alot. I know how crazy it sounds. But for once or twice i tried with them. Nothing much happend but i felt alwful after that. I felt guild (which i was constantly feeling when with my father or grandmother - and really they made me feel like that - my grandma was constantly unsatisfied with smth and was not talking to me for nothing. I had to apologize to her or she would tell my father, whom i was afraid from). Then later in life i started masturbating. I was hoping the day to have sex to be sooner. Oh how much i wanted to have sex.
Rejections- yes i have been rejected alot. I had complexes that i am ugly, stupid, not normal. That i am not like the rest. ###$ i still have those complexes. I was a virgin until my 20s. Then i got drunk and laid. That was big for me! So long being a virgin. I had the chance once but because of anxiety and feeling i will not be able to make it and it would be a disaster ... well i didnt make it. I thought all of my problems would solve - if i am not a virgin anymore, if i am in better shape, if i am better dressed, if I....But then again they didnt solve. I was a student and during that time it felt like my brain is not working. I can think of what to say to people. Feeling i am retard. And didn't know what to do. Ah, one more thing- i was sure that my dick is small, yeah. I started the excercises you mention. Fortunately i stopped them earlier before i injured myself.
I turned a corner when i started taking fishoil caps. Rich on DHA and EPA. And voalla, my brain started working again. Later anxiety and panic attacks hit me. But my brain was working. Then i get dumpped by a girl and Derealisation. DPD i got despersonalized. I started benzos, now i am in withdrawal which is alwful but it will pass. Not very stable at the moment, but you are now alone. I really hope if you find out what is wrong with us you will share. Also if someone here has been through that and has gotten better please to share. I know i will get better someday soon. You will get better too. I had great days and months though, when i have felt confident, strong, good. It is something and i will reach for it so will you.

Take care