Exiled. wrote:Hi BonjourJakk.
Sometimes these boards can move a little slow...
The two things you listed are fairly common with depression. You aren't alone in it. Talking to a professional may help.
I agree, I do need to talk to a professional. Still, its frustrating. It astounds me how happy many people seem to be. I can't fathom happiness, honestly. I have brief moments of joy and fulfillment but they last literally minutes. I rarely "crack up" and almost never feel like i had a "great day". Everyday feels like I'm just going through the motions- like I'm a robot. I don't even feel the pain of clinical depression anymore- It's the way it's always been- misery has become so engrained in me that I've almost fully accepted it. I rarely "connect" with other human beings due to all the things that have happened to me during my mostly sad life. I am fairly confident that if my life has been "normal" and I had a somewhat satisfactory upbringing, I would be "okay". But i am not okay. My mom killed herself when I was 18, and I am now 22- and feel like i should be over what happened- i should move on, but i have a huge amount of anger and depression inside of me. I am truthfully very jealous of others who have experienced a normal upbringing. You see, I never had a normal youth. From age 12 till 18, I had a very sick, mentally ill mother, and a mentally abusive father. I now have no parents and barely remember having a "normal" family life. I want so desperately to move on from the atrocities i experienced, but i feel like my anger and depression has gotten worse. I honestly HATE my father. He did sick things, such as spit on my mother's face in front of me, frequently. He called her a piece of sh**, worthless, a wh**e, sl**, bit**... and through it all up until this day, accused me of being just like her and has told me to just "take my pills" and that I'm a lazy as*ho*e. I am 22 and still don't have my high school education, solely because I had traumatic teenage years and COULD NOT immerse myself in high school. I chased my mom down the road almost everyday for several years in attempts to stop her from killing herself. (mind you, I was the only person that ever tried to help her, because I was the only one that understood the pain of suicidal intent associated with depression.)
I feel guilty for wanting others' to feel sorry for me, but at the same time, of course everyone should feel sorry for me. I don't know a single person personally that could even remotely understand what i've been through. I'm so unbelievably angry I could kill my father. i shouldn't admit that on this internet, but i know i would never actually kill him, because i'm a good person; but I honestly, truly, want him to die, a slow and painful death. I hate him so much. I can't describe how much i hate that piece of sh**. He has destroyed me beyond description. Still, I feel very sorry for him. But when a person is filled with so much anger (me)... it will tear apart your soul. I want to forgive but my father is an evil person. How can you forgive evil? Hitler was an evil man, would anyone forgive him? My father's evilness is nothing compared to hitler, obviously, but in my own mind, he is a "personal hitler", as lame as that my sound. How can i laugh carelessly when there has been so much pain in my life???