No health insurance, wondering if I have HPD

I will try to make this as short as possible. Here are the main facts.

21. Female. Adopted. Have a twin sister. Were both neglected by parents. Growing up, both have a problem with lying for attention.

I have always had this deep grief and hated myself for lying. I also have had dependency issues in all of my relationships. I get into serious relationships with guys quickly. When i say "guys" I mean my past TWO relationships (the one I am currently in) and the one I was in prior were and are serious relationships. Ive lied to both of them about things out of fear of being abandoned and feel constant remorse. I lie out of impulse and out of fear. To this day I am not sure if I was actually truely in love with the first serious relationship I had. It lasted two and a half years. Most of it we fought about me being clingy/I would constantly get insecure and angry that he wasn't giving me attention...although at the time I didnt see it this way...I saw it more as he was a bad boyfriend. I know now he wasn't and I was extremely demanding, controlling and needy.

Since meeting my current boyfriend I feel that my love for him is completely genuine which has helped me realize all of these things about myself and that I need to seek help. We have only been dating for 10 months but throughout these 10 months Ive had a lot of problems being alone. Although it is hard I have been making major process with being more comfortable with myself, not lashing out and getting angry about small things he does out of insecurity and things like that. I've been able to be fully honest with him about my fears of being abandoned and my insecurities but he still did not know about the lying. I made the decision that if I was ever going to get better I would have to be fully honest and confront these problems. Not only that, I love him and although I knew telling him might cause him to leave, I couldnt continue lying to the person I love the most. So I told him, and he was discomforted but he is still with me and is continuing to be by my side.

I'm extremely enthusiastic ,flirty but in more a innocent way. Never really provocative. I've only been sexually intimate with these two different guys. I'm always trying to please people, am terrified people are rejecting me behind my back or when I feel like someone doesnt like me I get this instant knot in my stomach.

I am very indecisive and often need to ask someone before I make decisions. I am insecure about my image but I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with my appearance any more then the average 21 year old girl is.

I unfortunately do not have access to health insurance. I can get free counseling but not until I go back to school in a few months.

I'm well aware that none of you can make a real diagnosis of me, but can any of you give me any advice? Does any of this sound like I may be suffering from HPD?

Thank you for reading!

Describe your adoptive parents and how they related to you, please.

From what you've written it sounds like like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

From what you've written it doesn't sound like any issues at all except for the fact that your 21, if you can call being 21 an issue.

- Labor.

Labor you are so right, how could I have missed it? Give me the scoop behind the curtains yao.

Hi, and welcome to the forum. As you know we can't diagnose, and it's a real shame that you're not able to have therapy yet, but I would take advantage of the free therapy available at your uni when you go back.

It may be that your therapist isn't in a position to actually diagnose, but she can certainly help you. If the therapist is good, in some ways an actual diagnosis is irrelevant. What matters more is the work that you and the therapist do together. By looking at your past, and making a connection between the way you feel and act today, a lot can be learnt, and certain negative patterns can also be unlearnt. What matters most is the work you're prepared to put into the therapy.

It can be a painful process as old emotions are unearthed, but your therapist will take you slowly at the right pace for you, and you'll be in a safe environment. She will be adequately insured and supervised, and trained to help.

Perhaps you could use this time as a preparation for therapy? The more you begin to understand yourself, the better. Keeping a mood diary might help you to recognise certain triggers and understand your reactions to them. You'll need to be totally honest with yourself, treat yourself with compassion, and be prepared to try to love yourself, just as you are, and not as an idealised version of the person you aspire to be. That means understanding and accepting all your strengths, weaknesses, and everything about yourself. Strangely, it is this kind of self acceptance and realistic self love that can actually evoke therapeutic changes.

Please visit here for support and encouragement, bearing in mind that the forum is not a substitute for therapy.