GF is histrionic - how to help her

Hello, I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now long distance, but have since worked out she is histrionic. I love her very much and want to be with her but I find myself getting exhausted by her over reactions. However I've talked to her, she doesn't recognise she's histrionic but she admits she's selfish and over reactive and has promised to work on this so I'm hopeful. I want to support her and do what's best for her, but how shoudl I deal with this? At the moment if she over reacts about something I just make some excuse to leave and let her calm down for a bit I know she really cares for me and is upset when I tell her how much she hurts me sometimes. She tells me I must be gentle with her when I point out some things that are wrong. Am I doing the right things?

sounds like it. not your first gf huh?

- Labor.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, but you shouldn't be in a position where you are constantly trying to appease her at the expense of your own feelings. There should be appropriate boundaries in place, and you need to also have a sense of your own autonomy so that you don't get swamped and lose your sense of self.

No one can diagnose HPD except a professional, and if your girlfriend really does seem to be acting in disordered ways, maybe you could gently suggest that she sees someone. For any kind of therapy to be affective however, the person needs to admit to themselves that they have a problem.

Whether she is HPD or not, if one person in the relationship always has to walk around on eggshells and always be the one to accommodate, that is not a good thing.

Britishperson wrote:Hello, I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now long distance, but have since worked out she is histrionic.

I know you didn't ask the forum for an Hpd dx, but I doubt professionals will be using Hpd dxes these days cause of some changes they made should she go to therapy. Still helps to study it though because it is, too many, a misunderstood illness I am convinced my ex wife had. She also denied being Hpd, but would not get a test. So I divorced her because whatever she was it was causing tons of grief. No empathy. No fairness in the relationship. Her, her, her, and more Her.

I love her very much and want to be with her but I find myself getting exhausted by her over reactions.

Search for the terms emotional vampires,energy vampires. Author speaks of people who exhaust you.

she doesn't recognise she's histrionic but she admits she's selfish and over reactive

Selfish isn't good, pd or not. Overreactive might signify an emotional regulation problem. Search for ERD, one of the terms they tried to use once to replace Bpd. Maybe that will help? Hpd's also have emotion regulation problems.

She tells me I must be gentle with her when I point out some things that are wrong. Am I doing the right things?

She telling you how to express yourself when you object to her selfishness and overreacting (by her own admission) behavior that you said drains you? That says a lot about her and what you can expect in the future if you keep trying to help her.

Final thoughts. If she is draining you long distance take into consideration of how much more she'd drain you if she and you were close or living together. I travel many times a week and have had some long distance relationships. I learned if things are bad or difficult far away, they usually get even worse near.

In fact I started with a long distance relationship with my ex wife. I thought moving close to her would make things better. Closing the distance, I thought was the solution to our problems. I was terribly wrong. Problems got worse, and now we have kids that are caught in the middle of her pd (even they don't like her visitation rights cause she uses them to spy on me, send me subtle messages, and to brainwash them that I'm the bad guy).

Whatever happens. Hope you do not end up in a similiar situation. Best of luck.

Big C wrote:Whether she is HPD or not, if one person in the relationship always has to walk around on eggshells and always be the one to accommodate, that is not a good thing.

Yes, and the eggshell people the books have written of are most always pd oriented.

Britishperson wrote: Am I doing the right things?

British, I forgot to mention that the right things to do is take care of yourself, to do the right things for you. If she is pd, she does not have problems you can fix, she has an illness that you cannot cure. Big difference.

In your situation that you described, I would begin contemplating very seriously what the right things are that you can do for you!

Britishperson wrote:she admits she's selfish

Time for you, you, and more you!

British: 1. Check is she has some other PD traits (borderline, antisocial, narcissistic). Often, ther is co-morbid depression.2. Check if she cheats emotionally or physically on you. Quite probable. 3. Prepare for a devaluation phase. shortly. 4. Inform yourself (e.g. Emotional Vampires). 5. Give up on trying to help her - you can't. 6. Break up with respect and dignity. 7. Enter in NC. 8. Never turn back and run as fast as you can. 9. If not, you are heading towards serious mental and physical problems. It will be too late and you have been warned.

thisislabor wrote:sounds like it. not your first gf huh?

- Labor.

Actually she's my first serious long term GF, but glad I sound experienced

jmJMjm wrote:

Britishperson wrote: Am I doing the right things?

British, I forgot to mention that the right things to do is take care of yourself, to do the right things for you. If she is pd, she does not have problems you can fix, she has an illness that you cannot cure. Big difference.

In your situation that you described, I would begin contemplating very seriously what the right things are that you can do for you!

Britishperson wrote:she admits she's selfish

Time for you, you, and more you!

Thanks, your srory sounds similar to mine it being long distance, thinking moving closer will help...I wish you had more good news lol

I told her she may be histrionic and she got a bit angry I thought so (thought it eant I didn't really know her after all) but calmed down and promised to work on things. I have ntoticed she's trying so I'm hopeful

-- Mon Jun 11, 2012 12:59 am --

darkblue wrote:British: 1. Check is she has some other PD traits (borderline, antisocial, narcissistic). Often, ther is co-morbid depression.2. Check if she cheats emotionally or physically on you. Quite probable. 3. Prepare for a devaluation phase. shortly. 4. Inform yourself (e.g. Emotional Vampires). 5. Give up on trying to help her - you can't. 6. Break up with respect and dignity. 7. Enter in NC. 8. Never turn back and run as fast as you can. 9. If not, you are heading towards serious mental and physical problems. It will be too late and you have been warned.

Thanks I did check. I know she had clinical depression in the past and looking through the internet I suspect she may be narcissistic as well a little

Aren't there any stories of people with histrionic disorder getting better? There must be some happy stories of things working out out there?

Aren't there any stories of people with histrionic disorder getting better? There must be some happy stories of things working out out there?

Yes. There are a couple here. You could also win the lottery. the odds are about the same.