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Could I be HPD?

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Could I be HPD?

Postby BettyC » Tue May 29, 2012 9:45 pm

Hi,
I've been diagnosed with everything from depression, bipolar, ocd, gad, adhd, ptsd and borderline bu none of them fit. Yesterday I came across HPD and i opened up a new world to me.

I've never been fully honest with a shrink. I am good at telling them what they want to hear so I can get drugs. But I don't want the drugs to get high, I want them to stay thin.

My family med chart:
father ocd, inverted narcissist,
mother bipolar maybe borderline
grandfather major depressive
grandmoher maybe bipolar
siblings 1 of the 4 likely Avoidant

My data:
Female
32 but I look 20
educated post graduate
from wealthy family
divorced

Relationship with Parents Growing uP:
Only female. Outwardly Favored by father growing up. Brothers were told they were worthless because they were male. I wanted to be one of them. They resented me, still do.

Father and mother fought dramatically growing up. Father was wealthy, highly successful but alcoholic, often absent. Mother resented having kids. Would ignore us, yell at us, go through our belongings, open mail, read diaries to 'spy' on us.
Mother resents father for treating me like a princess.
Father plays game- kids better clean up house, do chores or mom will leave us all.
Father tells kids mother is inferior bc she is a stupid female and emotional cripple. We all look down on her.

Father treats me special but tells me if my mom finds out I will be severely punished. Mom always ends up finding out. They fight. Brothers go to boarding school but I am left behind. Told I'm a problem child unless I get straight A's then I get attention and love. Make a decision outside of their control I'm worthless.

Father tells me he's dying since I was a kid. That he will die soon. Manipulates with fear and money.

My actions:
Was told as a kid I was bored easily but happy.
In 3rd grade kids start bullying me so badly that my teacher goes home and cries herself to sleep.
I am called 'wierd" but don't care.

Normal childhood until 16. Start drinking hanging out with boys. was date raped. Wreck my mom's car. Was taking heavy doses of progesterone for amenhorrea. My father says me wrecking the car is going to cause my parents to divorce. I feel trapped, hopeless, unloved, a failure, alone I overdose on aspirin.

Am taken to a shrink the next day who says I am out of control, responsible for my family drama. He gives me a big dose of prozac which makes me constantly depressed, insubordinate. Shrink that agrees with parents tell me all of my problems will go away as long as I take meds. I confide in the shrink about the rape, he calls me a liar. Parents call me 'histrionic'. This is the first time I heard the term.

Run away over and over to escape parents yelling at me after this time. Drown myself in alcohol.

Graduate from high school, move cross-country for college. Life is normal. I am doing well, happy. Feel free.

College experience is good until I come home for break and am called "fatty" by my family. I never realized I was fat. Looking back my bmi was normal. But I diet and end up with a great body.
For the first time I'm considered a beauty and a success.

However I can make it work, I will. I start taking drugs to stay thin.
I realize at 22 that even though I had real love from friends, most people will put up with anything from a gorgeous girl. I was no longer the 'smart, funny friend' I was the beauty.

at 22 I am acting, modeling in LA. Family disowns me because I am doing something unworthy of my education. They find out I am back in school for dance (I have to hide that I am still taking classes they don't approve of). I get busted for returning to school for something 'stupid.'

Take refuge with a boyfriend who supports me. I finally feel loved, accepted. But I get bored and move on to another guy.

Get married, husband cheats and leaves me, he was rich but hires a lawyer leaving me without means.

Back in the entertainment realm with a moderate level of success dependent on parents again. Living with them. The thing is I see everything clearly I didn't see before.

After the divorce I get involved with my 'Rhett Butler" who spends 2/7 with me. I finally feel loved. It's something about the eye contact. We both stare during sex. S and M becomes part of our ritual. We are both PD's though he is more of an antisocial/narc.

I start to realize something is really wrong. He starts joking about killing me. I flee. Take a job in CA in my parents' home town. Living with them but on the outside I can make a killer impression. On the inside I am trying to get my life back. I don't know where to start.

We live in a small town and shrinks talk. I lie to get my drugs. No one knew the truth except for my 'RB'. He and I have moved on but we can't let go because we were addicted to the sex/eye contact/ 'love'. RB's mother is the first to show empathy. I grow attached to her. I realize that I have never been shown empathy by my own family.

At my work, I always seem to start out as Ms. Popular but inadvertantly piss someone off and become bullied/ostracized. The 'fan club' thing resonates with me. I do get a lot of fans, but then drive them away wondering wtf I just did.

I know a legit diagnosis is not possible here, but I need to know where to go and what to do. I have spent my whole life looking for the right answer and this one seems like the best option.

It feels so good just to get this all out. Anyone have advice
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby lodi dodi » Tue May 29, 2012 10:45 pm

Welcome and sorry to hear about your past, it's hard moving back in parents as they can potentially trigger the PTSD. Yes, you could be an hpd. Do you feel the need for attention?
What can you describe of your intentions/behavior when someone got pissed at you or when you drove people away?
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby masquerade » Tue May 29, 2012 10:53 pm

Hi and welcome to the forum. Glad we finally got your user name sorted. As I said, we already have a Scarlett here and it could have caused confusion. I hope she reads and responds to your post because she is an inspiration.

Your story sent a shiver down my spine because it is so uncannily similar to mine.

histrionic-personality/topic70302.html?hilit=train%20stepford%20home#p562492

I see so many parallels with the stories on here. Of course, no one can diagnose a disorder except for a professional. However, this type of background does seem to bring with it its own problems and issues to be dealt with, whether they are HPD or not.

I highly recommend therapy, not just to see if you have the disorder, but also for its own sake. Therapy can help you to explore your thoughts and feelings and to discover how the events of the past have affected your present, and prevent them from having a detrimental effect upon your future. You seem to have a lot of insight into yourself and that's half the battle.

I hope you find support here too. We're a good crowd and we support and help each other a lot. Sometimes we debate on things and we may not always agree, but by doing so, we can learn a lot about each other.

I'm a HPD in recovery, and would like you to know that whether or not your issues are HPD related, you can find a new and different way forward.
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby BettyC » Tue May 29, 2012 11:06 pm

Thanks for the supportive responses. I go back and forth with my attention-seeking. I read he meyers briggs thread and I vary between enfp and intp. It might sound like bipolar and on the surface I may seem that way, but my moods change quickly and are a result of being too sensitive not depressed or happy for no reason.

I wish I knew what I did to alienate people. I am very good at making a first impression and tend to become popular and admired wherever I go and whatever I do. In my profession I enjoy a low level of celebrity. A lot of h-wood types are like me. They want attention and that's why they're in the industry. I get that npd and hpd run rampant in entertainment.

The things that have me convinced that hpd could be an accurate diagnosis:

- the 'stare' I have been told that I give people dirty looks and I don't get it.

- beauty and obsession with it. risking sounding like a narc, i'm noticeable

-achieving a 'fan club' pissing off the 'fans' and becoming the butt of their joke. Over and over. This is the number one reason I think I'm hpd/

Beiing back with my parents is hard, no lie but my only other option was living with my ex boyfriend who I believed had psychopathic tendencies. At the very least he was abusive. I used to make him jealous (now I realize thats part of hpd) and he would hit me and then he'd tell me I made him do it or just tell people I lied about the abuse.

My ex no doubt had a pd but that's what brought me here. I wanted to know what was wrong with me that I would fall in 'love' with a socio/psycho and he with me.

Between that, moving in with my parents and starting this job, things are clicking. I'm nnot happy to be HPD but at least something fits.
The BPD diagnosis didn't fit because I have an iron sense of self. In fact that is what gets me success and failure alternately. I am hell bent on success until I achieve it then I am hell bent on failure. It's a win either way . haha But it is a very tough way to live. I want to get better so that I can find someone to love

My antisocial ex also called my dad a 'sociopath' and my dad called him one and then I started to get it they recognize their own kind.

My parents = my ex and me.

BTW what is up with two people who use eye contact? He and I never broke eye contact and it's why we could only connect with each other and feel like subsequent connections are not as strong.

Once I said "it's because we are both predators" .it stuck with me and i dont know why.

But yes, I am an attention whore that's why I'm here. I also have such low empathy that I can't read people well and end up alienating them. I want it to stop/
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby lodi dodi » Tue May 29, 2012 11:31 pm

I took the myers briggs with my honest feelings of what I want if there were no consequences/backlash/obstacles.
Then I checked out https://www.personalitypage.com/html/personal.html and it shows what might go wrong with a certain personality and how to mend it, it's helping me a lot.

I'm back with my parents too and it triggered my PTSD and all kinds of anger issues so I feel ya.

The BPD diagnosis didn't fit because I have an iron sense of self. In fact that is what gets me success and failure alternately. I am hell bent on success until I achieve it then I am hell bent on failure. It's a win either way . haha But it is a very tough way to live. I want to get better so that I can find someone to love


I get this too. I have to catch myself when I'm trying to sabotage things, but until I get my FP (feelings/perception) under control, triggers will be in over my head.

For hpds/enfps, we have to take things slow in order to find someone we love, building intimacy slowly instead of jumping on idealizations so that we'll know who the other person is.


I had that eye-contact thing with my second ex... it's definitely the dominate/submissive thing.

You probably have low empathy because you are too busy concerned with yourself or you're afraid to pass judgment, which is necessary for enfp, to judge everything objectively.


Seconding on the therapy, the therapist will help analyze you and make well-informed suggestions. You can also confide in your feelings with them to explore past hurts and any stuck emotions.
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby orion13213 » Wed May 30, 2012 9:02 pm

Betty
So wierd you sound EXACTLY like the probable HPD / w NPD traits lady I know.

Although I am not a shrink...(disclaimer)

The good news is like her you are obviously intelligent, probably holding down a substantial job...in other words a functional person regardless of your HPD possibility.

I also detect a conscience and hope in your words...you sound like you are past the self destructive obstinacy that many disordered people are afflicted with.
On other words you are open, and asking the right questions. Good for you.
I reccomend you continue to follow up with the shrink with this matter, and watch the drugs...don't compound your problems with addiction. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the therapy said to work best with HPD.

Best,
Be tolerant of others, but true to yourself. In supporting you, I try to offer common sense. PM me if you need to.
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby BettyC » Thu May 31, 2012 12:08 am

Thanks, all.
Figuring out what is likely wrong, that it is a pd has given me a sense of peace. I have not respected my body because I have always thought it was defective.
After I realized that I wasn't alone and that I have answers I've been seeking for decades, there is finally hope.
Today I did not take any amphetamines. I didn't smoke a cigarette or drink. I ate healthily worked out and drank water.
I felt so helpless for so long I figured I had no real future anyway. Just knowing that there are things I can do has completely changed my outlook.
Unfortunately I have been manic HPD at my job for the past 7 months. Very inconsistent. Some days I knock it out of the park other days I self-sabotage.
Now that I see more clearly what I am dealing with, I want to un-do the damage. I am becoming aware of the nightmare that I've been to work with. That I've made myself the victim to get my supply.
It makes sense now. I also realize that I've caused a lot of problems for myself with my theatrics with my boss and co-workers.
I know a lot of it can't be undone. Has anyone ever had to rectify a situation like this. Knowing that work wants to 'force you out' not because you are bad at your job but because you stress them out.
I don't know if it's too late for me there. I guess I just have to be mellow, stay out of the way and turn out consistent work for a long period of time.
Is anyone else in this predicament?
I realize that although I prioritize beauty my self-care is lacking and its tough to be a good employee if you don't even bother to take you vitamins or floss your teeth.
Truth has hit me like a ton of bricks. I am ashamed of my behavior but know that there is nothing I can do to change the past.
I want to get better. I'm finally dating a guy that I'm not playing games with, not rushing into things with. It's almost healthy but I know push/pull is on the horizon...
Again, so grateful for the hope you've all given me.
It's helpful to be around my HPD/NPD parents too because I realize the way they drain my energy is the exact way I'm taking from others.
How do you find a good therapist? I need someone who I can trust which is tough for me.
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby lodi dodi » Thu May 31, 2012 3:10 am

Good plans BettyC, great to see you gained some control from this experience! Very solid. :)

It's never too late--people forget easily so try to show some empathy or understanding and they'll appreciate it.

Your upcoming dilemma with your new bf kind of reminds me of how I might be with my next victim, I'll have to ruminate on this... I'll share if I figure anything out, thanks for the reminder.

Here take a look at this guide for selecting a good therapist: http://www.metanoia.org/choose/
It's reassuring at the least.
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Re: Could I be HPD?

Postby orion13213 » Thu May 31, 2012 3:44 am

The partial HPD girl i know used to come to work wearing tiny skirtss like for clubbin, and she flirted and seduced, etc, etc, until management told her to knock it off. So she straightened up and her perfectionist NPD side went into high gear. She restored her respect among her bosses and got an advanced degree along the way ....
After the usual games and devaluation and anger and then reaquistion and more deval cycles, i think we have finally stabilized as friends, kinda like how divorced spouses can be friends.
Anyhow if a cure is a big reach remission is certainly within the realm of possibility. Masquerade and Scarlett 1 can tell you more im sure...
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