I've been diagnosed with everything from depression, bipolar, ocd, gad, adhd, ptsd and borderline bu none of them fit. Yesterday I came across HPD and i opened up a new world to me.
I've never been fully honest with a shrink. I am good at telling them what they want to hear so I can get drugs. But I don't want the drugs to get high, I want them to stay thin.
My family med chart:
father ocd, inverted narcissist,
mother bipolar maybe borderline
grandfather major depressive
grandmoher maybe bipolar
siblings 1 of the 4 likely Avoidant
32 but I look 20
educated post graduate
from wealthy family
Relationship with Parents Growing uP:
Only female. Outwardly Favored by father growing up. Brothers were told they were worthless because they were male. I wanted to be one of them. They resented me, still do.
Father and mother fought dramatically growing up. Father was wealthy, highly successful but alcoholic, often absent. Mother resented having kids. Would ignore us, yell at us, go through our belongings, open mail, read diaries to 'spy' on us.
Mother resents father for treating me like a princess.
Father plays game- kids better clean up house, do chores or mom will leave us all.
Father tells kids mother is inferior bc she is a stupid female and emotional cripple. We all look down on her.
Father treats me special but tells me if my mom finds out I will be severely punished. Mom always ends up finding out. They fight. Brothers go to boarding school but I am left behind. Told I'm a problem child unless I get straight A's then I get attention and love. Make a decision outside of their control I'm worthless.
Father tells me he's dying since I was a kid. That he will die soon. Manipulates with fear and money.
Was told as a kid I was bored easily but happy.
In 3rd grade kids start bullying me so badly that my teacher goes home and cries herself to sleep.
I am called 'wierd" but don't care.
Normal childhood until 16. Start drinking hanging out with boys. was date raped. Wreck my mom's car. Was taking heavy doses of progesterone for amenhorrea. My father says me wrecking the car is going to cause my parents to divorce. I feel trapped, hopeless, unloved, a failure, alone I overdose on aspirin.
Am taken to a shrink the next day who says I am out of control, responsible for my family drama. He gives me a big dose of prozac which makes me constantly depressed, insubordinate. Shrink that agrees with parents tell me all of my problems will go away as long as I take meds. I confide in the shrink about the rape, he calls me a liar. Parents call me 'histrionic'. This is the first time I heard the term.
Run away over and over to escape parents yelling at me after this time. Drown myself in alcohol.
Graduate from high school, move cross-country for college. Life is normal. I am doing well, happy. Feel free.
College experience is good until I come home for break and am called "fatty" by my family. I never realized I was fat. Looking back my bmi was normal. But I diet and end up with a great body.
For the first time I'm considered a beauty and a success.
However I can make it work, I will. I start taking drugs to stay thin.
I realize at 22 that even though I had real love from friends, most people will put up with anything from a gorgeous girl. I was no longer the 'smart, funny friend' I was the beauty.
at 22 I am acting, modeling in LA. Family disowns me because I am doing something unworthy of my education. They find out I am back in school for dance (I have to hide that I am still taking classes they don't approve of). I get busted for returning to school for something 'stupid.'
Take refuge with a boyfriend who supports me. I finally feel loved, accepted. But I get bored and move on to another guy.
Get married, husband cheats and leaves me, he was rich but hires a lawyer leaving me without means.
Back in the entertainment realm with a moderate level of success dependent on parents again. Living with them. The thing is I see everything clearly I didn't see before.
After the divorce I get involved with my 'Rhett Butler" who spends 2/7 with me. I finally feel loved. It's something about the eye contact. We both stare during sex. S and M becomes part of our ritual. We are both PD's though he is more of an antisocial/narc.
I start to realize something is really wrong. He starts joking about killing me. I flee. Take a job in CA in my parents' home town. Living with them but on the outside I can make a killer impression. On the inside I am trying to get my life back. I don't know where to start.
We live in a small town and shrinks talk. I lie to get my drugs. No one knew the truth except for my 'RB'. He and I have moved on but we can't let go because we were addicted to the sex/eye contact/ 'love'. RB's mother is the first to show empathy. I grow attached to her. I realize that I have never been shown empathy by my own family.
At my work, I always seem to start out as Ms. Popular but inadvertantly piss someone off and become bullied/ostracized. The 'fan club' thing resonates with me. I do get a lot of fans, but then drive them away wondering wtf I just did.
I know a legit diagnosis is not possible here, but I need to know where to go and what to do. I have spent my whole life looking for the right answer and this one seems like the best option.
It feels so good just to get this all out. Anyone have advice