Can hpd's get stuck in honeymoon phase

Several years ago I think I was the target of a much younger woman who worked at my office. After several months of starting we struck up a light friendship which I didn't think much of other than enjoying the attention of an attractive girl. I ignored her increasing suggestiveness until it was impossible when she scheduled a meeting with me and showed up in a see through shirt. Since I was and am married I thanked her for her interest but passed up the opportunity to anything more than talk. I tried to avoid her but she almost stalked me and she was so much fun and it felt so good to be around her she kind of wore me down so we continued our friendship and she became increasingly forward about her interests in have a sexual relationship--nude pictures, flashing me etc. We did talk a great deal about many things, but as I reflect back she did keep my attention with her sexual suggestion. She had other HPD traits--a fan club at our office, suggestive dress, etc. She told me I was special and had never done come on to anyone else like she had come on to me etc. I thought she would eventually get frustrated and move on. But as time went on it was as if she became more desperate and offered to have three way sex or just be my mistress without any expectation in return. I didn't want to cheat on my wife and I didn't want to be using her who I increasing began liking as funny, enthusiastic friend who watched my back in office politics and someone liked and respected me. I thought that i would be abusing our friendship. I was always honest with her and encouraged her to date or find someone else but it was like she was stuck on me. She certainly had many suitors. I'm pretty sure she would have almost done anything I asked her. After this went on for over a 1.5 years I was thinking about her way too much and this was happening at a low point in my marriage so something had to give.

We discussed it and a few months later I helped her get a slight promotion that transferred to a different office so we wouldn't be around each other. She seemed disappointed but agreed it was best as she too was getting frustrated with our relationship that had us both stuck.

She continued to call me every week or so and we would talk/flirt and since I didn't want to give her false encouragement I never initiated any contact but I was really suprised how much I missed her attention. This went on for a year as I noticed her becoming more independent and felt she was slipping away and it was hard to sit back and watch and not do anything about it. Then one day she dropped by and told me she was engaged. I always thought that when she moved on I would be happy for her but I was crushed and didn't even see it coming. Just the month before she had asked me again about having an affair with her. She said it happened very suddenly. She had reconciled with her ex fiance who she had broken up with about the time she started working at my office.

I just accepted it and assumed it was meant to be but she kept calling me. For the first time I really felt like she was trying manipulate me by making me jealous and when I didn't react (ie protest or try to dissuade her) she acted as though she was settling by getting married and that she loved me. I was very confused about my feelings for her and my wife. Then I learned she bought a house with her fiance shortly after she took the new job a year earlier. Now I felt betrayed but I shouldn't be. She had been lying to me about her relationship with her fiance for the previous year, but I didn't feel I had a right to be mad--I thought she should move on. I was so confused I thought I was going to do something stupid so I checked into thearpy and asked her to stop calling me. She said she knew she was toxic for my marriage and knew it wasn't out of meaness but something I needed. She just called one more time told me she loved me and posted a picture on her facebook (we were never fb friends) page that was a message to me and left it there for the next year.

I felt strongly that I shouldn't start a relationship while in a committed relationship and while she cast a spell on me it never made sense. Why she came on so strong--like anything is too good to be true--it isn't true. There was also this inconsistancy in how she talked as if she was offended by cheating etc. but was so comfortable in suggesting we cheat. The whole thing undermined the confidence in my marriage and caused me to question if I left some special connection get away. I went through a period of pretty bad depression and couldn't figure out why I was so down and I began reading trying to understand what happened. I didn't know about hpd at the time but learned about it and now think she may have hpd.

Two years went by and while I thought about her always but I never contacted her when one day I get an email asking to use me as a reference. I know about HPD now and my emotions have started to stablize. I respond politely but no opening for flirting--just business.

Six months later she send's me another email checking in and we exchange several polite emails but nothing more.

Two months later she "accidently" bumps into me at my office(on the only day of the week that I go there) and that afternoon sends me an email asking to talk that she wants to have a very frank conversation with me. I'm more emotionally stable now and I know about HPD now and I am wanting to test my theory to see if she has Hpd.

We meet and she tells me she's getting a divorce and she should have never married because she loved me and was just settling. She said she panicked when I encouraged her to transfer to the new job and she reconciled with her finace and was very confused at the time. I tell her I care about her and the whole experience was very painful and that it made me aware of the work I needed to do on my marriage.

Even after not seeing her for almost 3 years and learning about hpd and thinking she has it, I left wondering if I made a mistake by letting her get away. But something she said did quite add up and it kept knawing at me so I called the marriage office and found out she actually had gotten married 14 months before she told me she was going to get married--wtf?

I think she has hpd but have overwhemingly good memories of her. I think she probably misled me and even lied, but I didn't experience much of the bad treatment that so many peopl on this website complain about. I suspect she has many personal problems and I even feel sorry for her but I think she was basically a good person. My biggest problem as I grieved is that I had trouble being mad. I think if I called her now she would still do almost anything I ask her.

Whenever I have too found of memories of her I come to this forum and read the stories and remind myself that if I had slept with her and she convinced me to leave my family the chase would be over, she would be gone and I would really be sol. Not actually lived through it though still makes me wonder--do you have to be in the forest and hear the tree fall to know it makes noise?

i was reading posts on "the other woman" (tow) website:
http://www.gloryb.com/ and several books about single women having affairs with married men and getting stuck in the affairs when the husbands don't leave their wives. The traits of the women discussed sound simular to hpd traits. I was wondering people's opinin on whether hpd's get stuck in the honeymoon phase when they can't capture thier target and therefore the chase doesn't end,

A buddy of mine went through something very similar at work. There was a young college student who worked during the summers at his work and she tried her hardest to seduce him but he never gave in. She had a fan club at the job and even "settled" for some guy who she married after her last summer at the place. I've told him about HPD and whether this chick had it or not, I still think if he had given in she would have dropped him like a hot rock. He would have been hating life right now. Kudos to you for staying faithful!

She was playing you like a song. You meant no more to her than the other dozens in her supply. If you think you were special and it makes you feel better then so be it, She got to you and made you feel like no one else has. Of course she does the same thing to every other man she knows. You were just one link in a long chain of men. You got played. Accept it. Stop justifying it and making excuses for it. Let your ego take the hit and move on.

yYyYy wrote:

Big C wrote:She was playing you like a song. You meant no more to her than the other dozens in her supply. If you think you were special and it makes you feel better then so be it, She got to you and made you feel like no one else has. Of course she does the same thing to every other man she knows. You were just one link in a long chain of men. You got played. Accept it. Stop justifying it and making excuses for it. Let your ego take the hit and move on.

what is the problem with you Big C
What kind of hpd acts like her to dozes of her supply
only toward special person
that's rare in her life.
read his post, he is such a nice man
even was faithful, understanding, not judging her, helping, etc
OF COURSE attracted
he is special he has to know it

Uh everyone I have ever known acts that way. This type of behavior has been debated here endlessly for years. I never said he wasn't a nice man. Your point?

... so there was this one time, ... at the office.

- Labor.

marriedwithchildren wrote: I was wondering people's opinin on whether hpd's get stuck in the honeymoon phase when they can't capture thier target and therefore the chase doesn't end,

Married - She's stuck in the honeymoon phase, yes, partly because she hasn't captured you, but most likely because she's still idealizing you. For an HP, the honeymoon phase may last for some period of time after capture but only as long as she idealizes you. The idealization will stop when her "feelings"(which really are impressions in her mind) begin to creep in and she believes you are failing to meet her idealized standards or failing to supply adequate attention. (There's a myriad of other reasons, but these two will do for now).

Once she quits idealizing you, she'll then begin to devalue you in order to "leave the relationship", which, means to quit contacting you since you don't have a real relationship. On your current track, she eventually exhaust herself and seek attention elsewhere, but you'll hear from her from time to time.

Hooray for you for standing firm and maintaining fidelity to your wife, don't give in now!

Your BPD's can be destructive...fearing abandonment, they will try to undermine the marriage of a man who has had an affair w them. Fatal Attraction was a pretty accurate movie in terms of the BPD disordered stalker.

Since HPD's share many overlaps with BPD's i would feel uneasy if one got stuck in the honeymoon phase...a dream can become a nightmare...once knew this agent whose mistress informed his wife. He tried to commit suicide when wife left him...later his mistress left him too.

All in all relationships with disordered people are unpredictable, unless they are committed to recovery.

Think rationally, split now and stick by your wife. All else is an illusion