Can hpd's get stuck in honeymoon phase

Thanks everyone for your comments. The reason I think they may get stuck is the reading I did during my recovery period. While I didn't have a traditional affair, I did have an emotional one and I found it helpful to read about the causes. A book I found helpful was written by Emily Brown here's a link to her website: http://www.affairs-help.com/types.html By her methodology, I classified my affair as a split self. According to her, the third party is frequently borderline personality. I discussed my situation with her and she believes my third party was borderline. I know there can be some overlap with traits and I thought she might have hpd tendencies as well because of her concern of appearance, fan club etc.

Emily's book and others I have read explain how women who permit themselves to become the third party in a triangle begin making sacrafices in all other parts of their personal lifes, losing their independence and in essensence wasting their lifes waiting. If you ask them they really believe they love their Married man. Reading on "the other women (tow)" website: http://www.gloryb.com/ many stories seem to fit that pattern. I think what is really happening is that they are experiencing the unhealthy competition--like how attractive, intelligent, competent women get recruited to be on shows like "The Bachlor" and then make fools out of themselves on national tv chasing after an arrogant a**. If they win the competition, they realize the prize is no big deal and begin wondering what they were worked so hard. The books I read suggest in a spring/fall relationship like I had the young other woman is recreating a competition she might have had with her mother for the forbidden attention of her father. Not sure if I get all that family of origin stuff. That is the only reason I thought she might have gotten stuck in the honeymoon phase and I think she might still be hung up on me. Believe me it''s not that I think I won some game or contest--I was in pain for a long time and she would have snapped me like a twig if I had caved in. When she ultimately moved on, just letting her walk away was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I did it because I felt I would be using her (and betraying my wife) both people who I care about. I struggled with it because I couldn't understand that if I was doing the "right thing" why did it hurt so much. Now with time and perspective I think I might very could have ended up being used rather than the user if things went any farther. Or we would still be stuck and she would have wasted several more years.

I share my thoughts about this because I have been reading (but not posting) on this site for months and found it very helpful for when she began contacting me after nearly two years of NC.

I'm out of time now but when I get sometime in the next several days, I'll share some appropriatedly edited (for identity) emails and explain how advice from other posters helped me when I broke NC on purpose to learn more about her.

When something like that happened to me I always confided in my SO so that we end up getting closer together since he's sharing the dilemma I'm having, strengthening our bond/relationship.
I think it's very thoughtful and wise of you for having resisted all this time however.

I don't know if hpds can get stuck in a honeymoon phase, maybe one on a lesser intense spectrum.

So this has apparently been voted as a legitimate thread by the forum? ... what lead the OP to believe she was HPD?

Don't people normally have a very large swing in moods from one minute or hour of their day to the next?

- Labor.

marriedwithchildren wrote:I was wondering people's opinin on whether hpd's get stuck in the honeymoon phase when they can't capture thier target and therefore the chase doesn't end,

I would personally say the answer to that question is no. It tends to for the most part just frustrate and piss me off alot. When it is extremely emotionally painful.


Let me ask YOU a better question. As a non-disordered individual which you are apparently claiming to be, yes? - What is the "honeymoon" phase suppose to be like? and what is the "honeymoon" phase suppose to be like when you can't capture your target?

at the moment all i have are images of a green fruit and a picture of the night's moon in my head. i.e. total blank draw on what it is suppose to be like.

- Labor.

...

to reiterate on this point for the sake of the OP ... a honeymoon is defined by wikipedia as:

One early reference to a honeymoon is in Deuteronomy 24:5 “When a man is newly wed, he need not go out on a military expedition, nor shall any public duty be imposed on him. He shall be exempt for one year for the sake of his family, to bring joy to the wife he has married.”

By that definition I would state as an HPD individual there would no honemoon period before or after the marriage... if your not happy making your partner happy than what would be the point of getting married? I can get laid just readily outside of the whole morality issue... ... You know, this is assuming and all she had actually said yes, ... instead of no.

By the best real world working knowledge I have of this definition, I would say the honeymoon period is the thing that happens when you first meet the person... and continues well for me it continues indefinately until the argueing sets in. The marriage contract is esstentially established as the natural working order of the relationship. From day one cheating is wrong, if your dating someone and 4 1/2 months in they up and move to another state, I would call that an "abandonment" ... and annulment, and if they were/do come back say 4 months later a new one would start.

But the concept of not actually being in a relationship until after the wedding is foreign to me as an HPD individual. There is no reason to date or propose or work to a honeymoon period either if the other person doesn't "want" to be in a relationship with you.

- Labor.

marriedwithchildren wrote:Thanks everyone for your comments. The reason I think they may get stuck is the reading I did during my recovery period. While I didn't have a traditional affair, I did have an emotional one and I found it helpful to read about the causes.

I'll give you some advice I wish someone had told to me in the past: I think your romanticizing your sin, and you need to stop worrying about it. to be honest if you didn't cheat on your wife and your still married to her I would doubt she cares about what you did wrong and is more worried about how the other woman affected your mental health.

Best,

- Labor.

Okies, my two cents worth...

From what I have read: the scenario never entered the honeymoon phase.

Typically, the honeymoon phase is full of romance, flirtation and lots and lots of sex.

To me: the above got stuck in the chase and seduce stage - and never moved beyond.

Should she never actually catch him - the catch and seduce stage could go on forever.

I'm thinking, married, that this woman chased you more as a game than anything else. I know for my HPD friend, she often chased married men or men in relationships because she seemed to enjoy the challenge - it had nothing to do with any 'deep connections' she felt for these men. of course, she played the role of their 'dream girl' well, so they started to think they had some kind of a connection with her, but really they were just another cog in her supply machine.

you're lucky to have escaped the trap, good for you! that feeling of 'you let her get away' mainly was nutured by her, she wanted you to feel that way. Notice how she contacted you wistfully several times, claiming she loved you, claiming her marriage wasn't all that great - she was saying that just to make you pine for her. the bottom line is, she needed your attention. and the attention of others. So to get the large pool of attention she craved, she played with multiple men at once. it's pretty simple really.

as for you, you would have been out of luck had you hooked up with her. It definitely wouldn't have been the 'dream' she portrayed it to be, she'd probably cheat on you eventually. that, and you'd be miserable knowing you ditched your wife for nothing. just a thought.

Typically, the honeymoon phase is full of romance, flirtation and lots and lots of sex.

To me: the above got stuck in the chase and seduce stage - and never moved beyond.

Well in my case, there was full of romance and flirtation....but no sex. ( she has intimacy problems).

But emotionally, it was way more intense than with most of the girls I had sex with.....
And even without the sex, I have no problem at all in calling it an honeymoon phase, since all the emotions and affections are at their peak.

So I don't think that ''SEX'' is a prerequisite for the honeymoon phase.

Well in my case, there was full of romance and flirtation....but no sex. ( she has intimacy problems).

But emotionally, it was way more intense than with most of the girls I had sex with.....
And even without the sex, I have no problem at all in calling it an honeymoon phase, since all the emotions and affections are at their peak.

So I don't think that ''SEX'' is a prerequisite for the honeymoon phase.

DDCA... The above maybe your interpretation of the definition - I still say, it's not mine.

I have been having a massive emotional/flirtation affair with a married woman for around four years now.

We've discussed everything. I know probably more about her than her husband... We sex chat a lot, she's done webcam, sent me nude pics... The whole lot... Except, I haven't slept with her.

...And, that's what keeps me chasing.

To me - the honeymoon phase is when the HPD has "captured" someone. Either, it is very obvious that the other partner has completely fallen for them or says "I love you". It's when the partner is completely devoted to you - even if married - they pay little to no attention to their own spouse.

I still stand by the scenario that it has not progressed beyond the catch and seduce stage... I still think she won't be happy until she "captures" him.

Its once they have been captured - typically, that's when HPDs get bored.

DDCA... The above maybe your interpretation of the definition - I still say, it's not mine.

i understand what you mean, and YES, we do not have the same definition of the honeymoon.

When the emotions are so intense that they almost become unbearable... when both of you feel intensely connected, it is not a ''catch and seduce''phase anymore. When you have done and shared everything that is not sexual... it gets beyond the catch and seduce...since both are caught and seduced....

But I agree it is not the honeymoon phase either as you describe it..

It is another type of phase,an intermediate one where 2 persons can get stocked. for which I don't have a name, where the 2 persons are connected and attracted, but where 1 of the 2 persons is not willing to cross the bridge of sexuality for some reason.