HPD, cannot feel loved, surprising!

by **yYyYy** » Mon Feb 06, 2012 11:16 pm

I cannot feel loved literally, and it is surprising
it is almost intellectual cognition problem that transcends just emotional things

for example today I saw some pics of my ex he took for me

and he was making a heart with his hands in the pics

and I realized it for the FIRST time in 1 year that they are HEART, sent to ME

D:　it's not hard to figure out at all, it's obviously x1000

heart, but I didn't know, I guess at first I realized it but I dissociated from it

and after that, never recognized. everytime I looked at those pictuers I thought it is simply

him lifting arms in the air just without particular meaning, not a sign of love or making heart for me.

I really always thought so and that was all.

I am always surprised to find out/remember later that someone loved me.

I usually have no idea, no idea at all.

for example if someone writes love song for me, write me a letter,

I have 0 idea that it is for ME and it is about LOVE

it's as same as reading a newspaper about economics to me until I can recognize the emotion contained in it after a few years.

YYY

That's very interesting...you write the word "love" so in your mind, so what emotional content is behind the symbols? What do feel /experience when you think of "love?"

Like if I write the word "tart," I am using the letters together as a symbolic representation of tartness, but I can imagine, even taste tartness (like a piece of key lime pie, for example) as I write the word "tart."

Is your experience like if color-blind people write the word "red," what are they experiencing in terms of mental activity?

Sematic aphasia is a condition of some cluster B PD's, in which people use words but fully or at least partly don't understand the emotional and mental meanings behind the words...perhaps due to a lack of experience (and therefore, they have no memory to reference).

Is this chronic with you, or is it periodic (due to bouts of depression or stress, etc.)

Best,
O

by **Geneva** » Tue Feb 07, 2012 3:19 am

I can not feel loved because no one every loved me. My mom pushed me out and ran off so, yes I don't feel very special at all. There is no such thing any way. "I love you" is just three stinking words with little to no real meaning to me. When I tell some one I love them I do feel that love. When they say it, it is a lie

by **orion8591** » Tue Feb 07, 2012 5:48 am

Geneva wrote:I can not feel loved because no one every loved me. My mom pushed me out and ran off so, yes I don't feel very special at all. There is no such thing any way. "I love you" is just three stinking words with little to no real meaning to me. When I tell some one I love them I do feel that love. When they say it, it is a lie

Geneva
I felt the pain in your words, but at least the good part is you understand what love is. It seems more like a lack of trust issue...sometimes it's easier to assume that something so beautiful as love (but also so risky)...it's easier to assume that love is a lie rather than to get badly hurt...is that accurate?

I'm sorry for what you went through. My impulse is to change it if I could, but I don't know how to. And anyway maybe that's wrong, because it is your life and something precious lies within your suffering, and I might just divert you from your path.
It's within your power and your sovereignty as a unique human being to find that out.

by **cacster** » Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:19 am

I had this exact conversation only 24 hours ago with a fellow PD (we were sharing what we feel, etc).

I can totally relate to what YYY said.

From my own experience - I have had many partners who told me "they loved me". They can tell me one hundred or one thousand times... But, I don't feel it. I just don't feel anything.

It's like I am wooden or something.

I can only relax it to putting your hand on a hot stove. Anyone else would have an automatic reflex to pull their hand away straight away.

Me? I wouldn't pull my hand away till I smelt and saw the evidence of burning cos I just can't feel it.

by **canadian1111** » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:42 pm

Well now that you know that he loved you, are you able to feel it now?

Anyway, I am personally able to feel loved when the person is right in front of me, but when alone I can often only intellectually understand that I am loved. The feeling just slowly fades and ends up being just words. Being loved or special is not consistent is what I am trying to say, so I constantly need new people as a refiller. Most HPD's can probably relate to this

by **Geneva** » Wed Feb 08, 2012 3:04 pm

canadian1111 wrote:Well now that you know that he loved you, are you able to feel it now?

Anyway, I am personally able to feel loved when the person is right in front of me, but when alone I can often only intellectually understand that I am loved. The feeling just slowly fades and ends up being just words. Being loved or special is not consistent is what I am trying to say, so I constantly need new people as a refiller. Most HPD's can probably relate to this

I am sorry but I do not feel loved at all. I feel love for others but I don't feel other ppl love me. When they say it I feel they are lying.

by **canadian1111** » Wed Feb 08, 2012 3:08 pm

Geneva wrote:
canadian1111 wrote:Well now that you know that he loved you, are you able to feel it now?

Anyway, I am personally able to feel loved when the person is right in front of me, but when alone I can often only intellectually understand that I am loved. The feeling just slowly fades and ends up being just words. Being loved or special is not consistent is what I am trying to say, so I constantly need new people as a refiller. Most HPD's can probably relate to this

I am sorry but I do not feel loved at all. I feel love for others but I don't feel other ppl love me. When they say it I feel they are lying.

It puzzles me how you can love someone yet being completely unable to feel loved yourself. Isn't that a bit contradictory?
I'm not doubting your genuineness, just being curious

by **Geneva** » Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:21 pm

I know what I feel for others. In my life and my experience a lot of ppl would say they love me, then hurt me. I don't try to hurt someone I love. I want the best for someone I love and or care about. My mom said she loves me but ditched me at two so you tell me where is the love in that situation.
My ex said he loved me and beat me up, stole from me and tried to kill himself in front of me so I would stay with him. Where is the love there as well. The only person I know for sure who loved me was my Grandma, my mom's mother and she never said it. She showed it. So I watch ppl's actions, to say "I love you" are just stupid words. If someone is going to say it then their actions must match the words, point blank period.

by **canadian1111** » Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:26 pm

Geneva wrote:I know what I feel for others. In my life and my experience a lot of ppl would say they love me, then hurt me. I don't try to hurt someone I love. I want the best for someone I love and or care about. My mom said she loves me but ditched me at two so you tell me where is the love in that situation.
My ex said he loved me and beat me up, stole from me and tried to kill himself in front of me so I would stay with him. Where is the love there as well. The only person I know for sure who loved me was my Grandma, my mom's mother and she never said it. She showed it. So I watch ppl's actions, to say "I love you" are just stupid words. If someone is going to say it then their actions must match the words, point blank period.

I get that you have been let down and I agree with what you just wrote - I just thought the topic was about being able to feel loved, not about being let down by a bunch of people and then beginning to doubt the truth of the words people are speaking. Not being able to feel loved at all versus not trusting people. That's two different things for me

HPD, cannot feel loved, surprising!

HPD, cannot feel loved, surprising!

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