traveller wrote:Well, the question is simple. How do you do it?
I'm curious as to what your reasons are for wanting to. Listing them may help clarify in your own mind why you should (or shouldn't).
I suppose if all else fails, but probably bad advice, you could temporarily be like her. Okay yes I know it sounds like bad advice, but here is what I mean.
For example, my natural inclination in a relationships is to protect her, choose her feelings over others, shut-down around other women, etc. because the one I'm with is more important than everyone else.
I had a reached a breaking point with the ex HPD GF once and said f-it. So it didn't matter who it was, any woman I might reasonably have any interest in if I was not with her, I treated them as fondly as she treated the next guy she just met. Placed their feelings over hers. I put her out of my mind and treated them as I might if I wasn't with her. Now before you react, read the rest below:
She was pissed and left me (though came back and unfortunately I got sucked back in). Okay yes that sounds childish, but consider this:
A) If her behavior is not hurtful, then she really shouldn't mind me behaving equally.
B) If her behavior is hurtful, then it's in her best interest, long term, to understand why.
Really this is the hardest part for me to grasp about HPD I think. Telling someone with untreated HPD that their behavior is hurtful is like talking to yourself. It falls on deaf ears. I found the HPD GF simply did not get it. After all her behavior was not hurting her. It made her feel good.
However there is a bit more to the story. When I had confronted her earlier, not only was I talking to myself, but she told me to flirt like her. That was her response. 'Go ahead, I want the man I'm with to be wanted by other women' Except that's now how she reacted when I acted like she acts.
She seemed completely incapable of connecting the dots of putting herself in my shoes and asking, how would I feel if the roles were reversed? The only thing she was capable of understanding was to be put in the position. And to be honest, I really didn't know how she'd react. Maybe she'd have been okay with my flirting and becoming emotionally interested in other women I barely knew?
In many ways it was the best thing I ever did as from that point forward I could simply remind her how badly she reacted over women A, B, C when I had done nothing wrong, but flirt with them, and feel compassion for them, as she asked me to do.
Anyway odds are if you mentally assume she is oblivious to how she hurts you, keep that in mind by the way, and live life like you're on a perpetual quest to find a new romantic interest, flirt, do more or less as you might if you were not with her, she will bolt and leave you. And yes you could argue that it's wrong when you know better and she doesn't, but on the other hand, she probably won't ever understand, and believes that when she behaves as she does it's harmless, feels good for her. However your morals lead you, your choice, but if your emotionally done anyway, you may well find rather quickly that there are other women out there who are a better match in the process.
Yep, I can't believe I wrote that, because it does indeed seem childish, but there is something to be said for an eye for an eye justice. It can cause people to see why their behavior was wrong, while giving the harmed some sense of peace. Again entirely up to you.