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break up with an HPD

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break up with an HPD

Postby traveller » Sun Jun 19, 2011 2:49 am

Well, the question is simple. How do you do it?
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby nowheregirl » Sun Jun 19, 2011 3:22 am

Make sure they have a new toy to play with and then become very tiresome to them.
All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up

"My non response to Johnny Mac should not be construed as acceptance of his position. It is recognition that he chums."
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby t2011 » Sun Jun 19, 2011 3:42 am

traveller wrote:Well, the question is simple. How do you do it?


It sounds like people reach the end of their rope with an HPD after a great deal of caring, trying (emotional investment). In those cases deciding "how" to do it isn't easy.

If you feel it's a toxic relationship and harming you, just tell her that and stop all contact. Just short, and to the point. Fair and consistent. No drama. A reference point which may benefit her in the future. No mixed messages.

Usually nons are wrapped up with conflict between the toxicity they feel (and the hurt, anger for being what they believe is intentional mistreatment). And, at the same time, caring for the HPD. You might want to explain to her why you believe it's toxic for you, why you believe she should get help, name the behaviors and how they are (combined) considered a personality disorder.

That might do her more good in the future. But, it can also make you more vulnerable. It can leave a door open for her to come back, knowing you care -- and what you want to here. You have to be emotionally strong to play that game and not be manipulated. I don't think believe most people can do that after being emotionally invested with an HPD. There feelings are too raw.
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby traveller » Sun Jun 19, 2011 6:31 am

nowheregirl wrote:Make sure they have a new toy to play with and then become very tiresome to them.


Understandable and effective. But not a path I can choose. They have to find a new toy themselves and I don't want to be tiresome because I'm fairly drained myself.
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby traveller » Sun Jun 19, 2011 6:33 am

t2011 wrote:
traveller wrote:Well, the question is simple. How do you do it?


It sounds like people reach the end of their rope with an HPD after a great deal of caring, trying (emotional investment). In those cases deciding "how" to do it isn't easy.

If you feel it's a toxic relationship and harming you, just tell her that and stop all contact. Just short, and to the point. Fair and consistent. No drama. A reference point which may benefit her in the future. No mixed messages.

Usually nons are wrapped up with conflict between the toxicity they feel (and the hurt, anger for being what they believe is intentional mistreatment). And, at the same time, caring for the HPD. You might want to explain to her why you believe it's toxic for you, why you believe she should get help, name the behaviors and how they are (combined) considered a personality disorder.

That might do her more good in the future. But, it can also make you more vulnerable. It can leave a door open for her to come back, knowing you care -- and what you want to here. You have to be emotionally strong to play that game and not be manipulated. I don't think believe most people can do that after being emotionally invested with an HPD. There feelings are too raw.


This sounds fairly good. No drama, to the point and honest. I have my suspicion that the drama lama will come out anyway. Hopefully not though.
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby xdude » Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:45 am

traveller wrote:Well, the question is simple. How do you do it?


I'm curious as to what your reasons are for wanting to. Listing them may help clarify in your own mind why you should (or shouldn't).

I suppose if all else fails, but probably bad advice, you could temporarily be like her. Okay yes I know it sounds like bad advice, but here is what I mean.

For example, my natural inclination in a relationships is to protect her, choose her feelings over others, shut-down around other women, etc. because the one I'm with is more important than everyone else.

I had a reached a breaking point with the ex HPD GF once and said f-it. So it didn't matter who it was, any woman I might reasonably have any interest in if I was not with her, I treated them as fondly as she treated the next guy she just met. Placed their feelings over hers. I put her out of my mind and treated them as I might if I wasn't with her. Now before you react, read the rest below:

She was pissed and left me (though came back and unfortunately I got sucked back in). Okay yes that sounds childish, but consider this:

A) If her behavior is not hurtful, then she really shouldn't mind me behaving equally.
B) If her behavior is hurtful, then it's in her best interest, long term, to understand why.

Really this is the hardest part for me to grasp about HPD I think. Telling someone with untreated HPD that their behavior is hurtful is like talking to yourself. It falls on deaf ears. I found the HPD GF simply did not get it. After all her behavior was not hurting her. It made her feel good.

However there is a bit more to the story. When I had confronted her earlier, not only was I talking to myself, but she told me to flirt like her. That was her response. 'Go ahead, I want the man I'm with to be wanted by other women' Except that's now how she reacted when I acted like she acts.

She seemed completely incapable of connecting the dots of putting herself in my shoes and asking, how would I feel if the roles were reversed? The only thing she was capable of understanding was to be put in the position. And to be honest, I really didn't know how she'd react. Maybe she'd have been okay with my flirting and becoming emotionally interested in other women I barely knew?

In many ways it was the best thing I ever did as from that point forward I could simply remind her how badly she reacted over women A, B, C when I had done nothing wrong, but flirt with them, and feel compassion for them, as she asked me to do.

Anyway odds are if you mentally assume she is oblivious to how she hurts you, keep that in mind by the way, and live life like you're on a perpetual quest to find a new romantic interest, flirt, do more or less as you might if you were not with her, she will bolt and leave you. And yes you could argue that it's wrong when you know better and she doesn't, but on the other hand, she probably won't ever understand, and believes that when she behaves as she does it's harmless, feels good for her. However your morals lead you, your choice, but if your emotionally done anyway, you may well find rather quickly that there are other women out there who are a better match in the process.

Yep, I can't believe I wrote that, because it does indeed seem childish, but there is something to be said for an eye for an eye justice. It can cause people to see why their behavior was wrong, while giving the harmed some sense of peace. Again entirely up to you.

Good luck
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby traveller » Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:43 pm

xdude thank you for your input.
She is simply put, not "the one" for me. I have a pretty thick skin and when I raise the nose and rationalize in my head, I realize that this is not a woman I want a future with. Sadly she has misinterpreted this and thinks I want to replace her with a "younger version" and refuses to understand that it's her way of acting that is the problem. Even though I've repeatedly have told her.

I do however want to leave this in a clean and healthy way, preferably for both of us.
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby xdude » Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:51 pm

There is really no way then but to do it. She might even consider your rational explanations regarding her behavior after you leave, but as long as you're still with her it's incredibly unlikely that simply telling her will sink in.

Good luck
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby treetop » Mon Jun 20, 2011 4:14 pm

xdude's right. just telling her something is wrong isn't going to work (I used that approach with my friend.) what happened was my friend went into immediate blameshifting mode and complained that the reason the friendship went bad was because of me. when I argued further with her on that point (that I wasn't at fault because of A, B, and C; and she told several lies about X,Y,Z - so, therefore, most of the blame was with her and not with me), she then became patronizing and verbally abusive, unable to face the reality of her lies or of her behaviors. (she told me I was 'naive' to believe 'people who were telling lies about her', she told me I'd 'never amount to anything', called me numerous curse words, ect, ect. and, the final kicker, saying I had never meant a thing to her at any point and she was just using me the whole time.) after becoming verbally abusive and patronizing with me, I'm sure she ran off to other fan club members and painted herself as some type of victim of her 'horrible friend'.

the best approach is really telling her (calmly) that you don't want to speak to her any more, some brief reasons why (but don't go into too much detail, make it more about yourself than about her - such as, 'I'm not ready for this relationship right now' or something.) then, when she tries a flurry of attempts to contact you, just don't pick up the phone or answer emails. she'll get the hint eventually though it may take more time than it does with a non to get the hint.
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Re: break up with an HPD

Postby TatteredKnight » Mon Jun 20, 2011 4:17 pm

Easy way: Explain that it's over, then go non-contact. Completely, utterly, no contact of any kind, don't even read anything they send you, delete or bin it straight away. If they can't contact you, they can't exploit your weaknesses to drag you back in.

Hard way: Enforce boundaries. Call them on it when you catch them out in lies. Refuse to accept their excuses and manipulation. Remain objective and rational through any gaslighting. Once they realise they can't manipulate you, they'll split you black and run away from you.
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