Why we Have our 'Fan Clubs' (for HPD's ONLY)

Just a word on our fan clubs and why we have them/what purpose they serve for us in an emotional way/psychological aspect, etc...

It’s become evident to me, and also re enforced by my psych, that one of the reasons we have these ‘fan clubs’ is because many of us are lacking true emotional support and understanding from our primary family unit, and for some of us that holds true through extended family relationships as well.

When you take away your ‘fan club’ how do you feel?
Alone, neglected, abandoned, fragile, undefined, unappreciated, depressed, vulnerable, afraid, unstable, misunderstood, unsupported, directionless, uninspired, just plain lost...

Some or all of those descriptive words, could speak to you in not having your ‘fan club’ around because if you take away the only form of support and understanding, the one area of unconditional love and acceptance we have, these are things we feel inside. The things anyone would feel inside if they were lacking in these crucial elements of emotional human necessity.

We develop these fan clubs primarily because we lack understanding, positive re enforcement, compassion, communication, acceptance, direction, stability and unconditional love in our real world (our families and friends) and so we attempt to gain these things by putting on airs to get them, or something like them, from others around us.

Why can’t we get these things in a one on one relationship?
Because we have been taught, and conditioned to know, that those who love us are 2 sided.
There is the ‘good’ mother/father and the ‘bad’ mother/father- the same person has been split in 2 because the bad things that they did/didn’t do to us/for us made us love them despite these obvious lacking elements of their care. We love them when they are ‘good’ but we hate them/block them from us when they are ‘bad’ because we had/have to do this for our own emotional survival.

Parents are supposed to love their children, and our parents do love us on some level; but their showing of love isn’t adequate, it isn’t constant, it isn’t unconditional- because when we don’t meet their approval (for whatever reason) they show distain and/or neglect, which causes the fragile mind of developing child to have to cope with the fact that, “mommy/daddy doesn’t like (or love) me right now; but she/he does love me, just not right now... I must be bad, unworthy, and undeserving of that love...”
When a child thinks (is taught) that a parent doesn’t love them ‘right now’ what happens? The child knows that there IS love there, but for some reason they are undeserving of that love in that moment. The child begins to think/feel that he/she is ‘bad’ because he/she is undeserving of the parents love. Not only does this affect the child’s sense of self worth and stable self love, it also affects the way the child views and relates to the parents.

Love mommy/daddy when you can. When the love is there- take it and hold on tight because it won’t last very long. Something will happen, something will change and the love will be gone again soon. So hold on tight little girl/little boy and don’t let go of the love while it’s still there!

Knowing the love will ‘end’ the child tries to hold onto love, but is aware and afraid of the point in time where the love will again be gone. So even though the child is holding on that love for dear life, there is the knowledge and preparation for the moment when love is again taken away.

The instability of that primary love, knowing that “love doesn’t last” makes the child incapable of loving with their whole heart and with honest trust in the giving of his/her emotions fully. Always searching, constantly prepared for that moment when love will be terminated.

I’ve talked about and used the term ‘transference’ many times on these boards, and love relationships in our adult lives is a direct transference of the primary love we have with our parents. Even if we don’t grow up to marry our own mothers/fathers as they say, the mentality in relating to our object of love has been set in stone. We split them, those we love (and everyone else usually) because we have been conditioned to split ‘good’ deeds and actions from ‘bad’ influences and feelings.
This affects our trust on the deepest level. We are able to trust superficially, on the outside (some of us better than others) but our inner trust; in trusting with our vulnerable emotions is corrupted. We can try to trust, but we’re always watching, waiting, and expecting for that trust to be broken and hurt to come hit us hard when that happens. Hence the push/pull mentality and actions we perform in our relationships.
We know that close personal relationships cause us great pain, and because of this it is far easier to gain strength and support from those who are NOT close to us emotionally, but will give us that unconditional love we are incapable of receiving in the ‘normal’ ways of love, trust, closer emotional connections, etc...

Basic human emotional need requires support, understanding, love, acceptance, and positive attention/re enforcement. Because we have been too warped to get things in a close attachment, we find them through other sources, other people who will give us these things without the need for closeness; which is conditioned to be known as a potential for hurt within our mentality.

The ‘NON’s say we seek attention (as does the DSM) but I believe it goes much further than attention per say- it’s the emotional needs that are filled through that attention we crave and are compelled by, not because we ‘crave attention’ but because we crave all the many things that are lacking on a much deeper level=
- Support
- Understanding
- Acceptance
- Unconditional love
- Consistency in affection and ‘love’

Our ‘fan clubs’ serve a purpose. Yes, it’s not ‘normal’ and it’s very histrionic of us to have them, but why we have them is because they compensate for things we are unable to attain in other areas of our lives.

This is just a lesson I’ve learned and I wanted to share it with you. Maybe you already know/realize this, but for those who don’t yet realize ‘why’ we seek out attention and feel guilt in that kind of behaviour (as I did after I faced my disorders) just know that there is no guilt in seeking love. Our methods weren’t the ‘best’ way to get things, but it’s what we knew, how we learned to cope with our lacking in life, and it doesn’t make us ‘bad’ it’s helped us survive an otherwise lonely, loveless life...

So....this is my first time posting on here...I'm just going to take a deep breath and dive right in....okay maybe not *diving* but sticking my toe in, at least.

I've been a fly on the wall for months here. Logging in when I feel.....brave enough?.....reading, learning, never posting. If it gets overwhelming I just click right off. So this is kind of a big step for me.

I relate SO much to Alice, Scarlett, etc., and from what I am learning I'm a classic HPD. Yes, I've been diagnosed, as well as BPD, but I believe more HPD than anything else. I'm taking such baby steps and even though I haven't posted this forum has helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

But Alice, I logged on today and your post on Fan Clubs was SPOT ON. You're always so articulate and reading your postings as well as some of the others, just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I'd wondered for years why I always had 'fans', guys orbitting, always someone sort of on deck and in rotation. And Alice, you cleared SO MUCH up for me today by what you said.

I'm...apprehensive about telling too much about myself, just for the sheer fact that THERE IS SO MUCH TO TELL that I think I'd never get off this thing....and sometimes I read postings and I could have literally have written them myself, they are THAT accurate. Situations, history, behavior, everything. Exactly like me. Which is both exciting and frightening, all at the same time.

One of my biggest *fears* is someone I know, someone close to me, finding this out....randomly clicking or doing a google search and coming across the term HPD and going "Oh my God, that's HER....!" and putting all the pieces together and figuring me out (ha!---at least, trying to) and wow, that would be....devastating to me at this point.

I just want to go slow here (SO UNLIKE ME) and ease into this posting stuff...I just mostly wanted to say a big, huge thank you to all of you girls who have posted and helped me, and soothed me (as best as I can be) and have shown me that I'm not the only one out here. I'm not the only one like this. I think I've thought forever that this was some kind of flaw, curse, cross to bear, being HPD and beginning to see that it's not. I will definitely be sharing more.


Thank you so much.

Thanks lilGirl,

It is important to know you're not alone. It's also important to know that you're not at FAULT for many of your inactions/reactions to things in your life.

What we have is coping mechanisms, and they were established at a very tender age to compensate/save us emotionally from things in which our under developed psyche couldn't understand/make sense of at the time. Because these things happened so young and remained the 'norm' for us as we grew up, there was never proper direction, consistancy, support and care. The constant instability in these basic things made us have to 'parent' ourselves. Without being shown how to live a 'normal' life, we had nothing but our earlier coping mechanisms to keep us afloat as we struggled through life. We had to figure it all out on our own, and the only thing we knew was the primary coping stratagies of early childhood development because they are primal, something everyone is born with, and they usually become replaced with prental teachings over time; for us though- that didn't happen...

We were dismissed, brushed aside, and left to figure it all alone too many times.
Compacted with shame, guilt, and instable showing of affection, we were taught that these things were entirely our fault- but they're not!

We seek love and support because it is a basic human necessity.
Everybody needs this- EVERYBODY! And those who don't get it become warped...

From what I've researched and observed in the Cluster B disorders, these PD's are greatly formed due to insifficiant/inappropriate parental love.
From lack of thof these things, we warp our minds to adjust to the output of our parents.
The less we recieve from our parents, the more withdrawn and push/pull we become with ourselves and others. To the point where love is not even an option- like the AsPD of the Cluster B disorders...

It's a complex thing- personality, but it's something that can always be improved.

take Care lilGirl- I feel your pain too.
~Alice

I'd just like to add something here, so that it's not confused or misconstrued in any way.

This post wasn't made as an excuse for our behaviour. It's to demonstarate and communicate the reasons behind it.

We don't need to love the fact that we are HPD- we need to accept the disorder, understand it, and love ourselves DESPITE of it.
There is a BIG difference there!

You don't need to love the mistakes in your life. But you don't need to hate yourself for making them. Just because you made mistakes doesn't mean your unworthy of love (self love and love from others). To love yourself despite yourself is a great accomplishment and something I'm learning to do myself right now...

I've forgiven myself for the things I've done, and in that there's a sense of peace...

I love my fans, and YES I still talk to them. I always have, and always will perhaps; but maybe one day I won't need them anymore... Right now I do. My psych has explained to me why I need them and that needing them is OK. As long as I'm not hurting them, using them or manipulating them- I'm OK to keep them as friends and support. I NEED that in my life and I don't get that ANYWHERE ELSE!

My guys are great, and they love me no matter what I do. Their love for me is unconditional and right now- I NEED that. They have carried me through many things and I give back to them as much as I can in my time and attention in return- there is NO shame in that.

I've excepted my fans back into my life and I've become more calm, less enraged and more confident in myself again. I'm learning to be comfortable with me and try to maintain some kind balance... I'm able to go outside again. I'm able to dream of a future again, because of the support and unconditional lovethey give me that I can't find anywhere else.

Yes- the object will be to have real close intimate relationships when I am able to do so; but right now I'm to take the support where I can find it and gain strength from that.

My guys know about my disorders, they know that I am dangerous and could use/hurt them at any given time and have been warned accordingly. they choose to take that risk and be there for me because they think I'm worth it. Do you have any idea how great that is? To be WORTH something?????

It's priceless and I'm very greatful to have my guys.

No- I've not regressed, I'm still working on me; but I'm taking the support I'm being offered by those who wish to be a part of my life because I need that. It's OK to need that, as long as you don't get sucked in by it.

Love yourself depite of yourself...
Progress, not perfection...
Baby steps...

it all adds up

Alice,

There's a lot to your post, but I can only pick out the part that is making the biggest impact on me right now and it is splitting and if it could be a form of dissassociation.

I was thinking about this post and dissassociation. I was wondering if maybe the dissassociation we experience from time to time is like reexperiencing the times when our parent was being the bad parent. That it was our way of escaping from them being mean to us so that we are really dissasociating when we split (Is that the same maybe?) .
Also, maybe when we do dissassociate, we lose the bond with the other person temporarily and get that wanting to get out of there response from the past trauma--we just naturally go through the splitting. I know this is probably really obvious but I guess I never was able to put these together before for real.


Anyway, I don't have any fans... I'm so sad.

nowheregirl wrote:Alice,

There's a lot to your post, but I can only pick out the part that is making the biggest impact on me right now and it is splitting and if it could be a form of dissassociation.

I was thinking about this post and dissassociation. I was wondering if maybe the dissassociation we experience from time to time is like reexperiencing the times when our parent was being the bad parent. That it was our way of escaping from them being mean to us so that we are really dissasociating when we split (Is that the same maybe?) .
Also, maybe when we do dissassociate, we lose the bond with the other person temporarily and get that wanting to get out of there response from the past trauma--we just naturally go through the splitting. I know this is probably really obvious but I guess I never was able to put these together before for real.


Anyway, I don't have any fans... I'm so sad.

Here hunny, here's some love from my fans (who call me Pam) and I'll share that love with you- k?

When I told them about my disorders, and that I had to leave them for a bit, this what they said:

Hi Pam,

You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please stay strong and hold on. We know you're a fighter and will get through this. It's just going to take time.

Alex and Sarah


You've come a long way... disclosing what was already apparent to some of us.

Don't quit before the miracle happens.

R


Thank you for being as honest as you have ... while this is a journey you have to undertake on your own ... it is good to have heard of where you have been and where you are trying to get to in your life ... i applaud your bravery in showing this part of yourself ... nothing i can say can make anything easier on you ... nothing i can do can have any lasting or meaningful effect on the outcome of your journey ... but i wish you well ... i applaud the strength you show in trying to get things back to good for yourself ... and i send all my positive thoughts in your direction ... i truly hope you find peace within and for yourself ... while you will be greatly missed please please don't rush back on our accounts ... take all the time you need to make things more cohesive and unified ... we will be here if you so choose to make it back to us ... if not ... know that, at least on my part, i will have none but honestly admiring thoughts of a person who is doing what she must to overcome her trials and tribulations of her life ... if there is anything that this one can do for you i will do my best to ...

~Porter


You are Perfect. God does NOT make mistakes, we do. All You have to do is Thank Him at any time for all You have. What is there to ask for ? If You are reading this, You could have alot less. Look around You, it could be much much worse. You are Beautiful, You are Young, You have made some mistake's, Nothing that can NOT be corrected. Look around You, it could be worse and will get worse for other's that do not realize what-so-ever who they really are. You realize and feel sssssoooo deeply the Truth within You, the Greatest part is now over. You are NOT sick, only poor Information. Answer shall come to You by Your Thought's and Thanking Him whose Image You were Created in, just as everyone was Created in.


*smiles softly* the 'little girl' first needs to have you accept her, her terror is yours, yet yours isn't hers. She (the little girl) needs you. We all separate ourselves into fragments, however most of us aren't aware we even do it, you are, and that is a huge step in the right direction. The trick that I have found is to accept yourself, and to find a way to become comfortable with all of your fragments. This takes a lot of time, and even though you may not LIKE some of these fragments, there they are, part of you. Its kind of like a stained shirt, its just part of the stain. It doesn't fit different, or feel different, but you have to accept it and then move past it. These are some of the things that have worked for me, and I was taught them by someone it worked for...its a huge pain in the ass and heaps of work, but...it worked for me


I wish you well in your journey and search for peace. You might try Thought Field Therapy (aka Meridian Tapping Therapy, Emotional Freedom Technique among others). It's derived from acupuncture. Usually a psychologist provides positive phrases to repeat as you tap on designated meridians, which are energy channels in the body.

Sweetie, you are at least ahead of the game. You realize and know what is wrong. So many do not! I really feel for you as I know too where you are coming from. I was molested and then later raped when I was around 11 or 12. I've dealt with it but it still ###$ you up and affects you your whole life. I think if you are honest with the new lover you choose and he is aware of how you are and how you might handle situations in the future, you should have no problem. Well, at least he should deal with it better knowing about it. Don't let it hold you back...have fun.

When I told them that I can now come back and interact with them again, within reasonable boundries, this is what they said:

Glad to hear things are getting better for you. I have been in the same situation before, not leaving my condo for weeks. I know how it can be. If you want to talk I suggest you contact me If you see me online here you can always find me on IM here as well. Looking forward to chatting with you gorgeous.


Happy summer sweetie. I'm happy that you are doing well. Hold your head high.... LOVE U FOR U.


pammy i'm glad that you are working things out. i just wish i was back in buffalo just a short ride away. i can't fly right now had 3 surgeries for blood clots in my leg the past 2 1/2 months but when i get healed never know where i might visit.

kisses

john

Happy Summer, Sweetie... Good to read about what's going on.

Sorry that you needed to hole up in your apartment, but glad now that the sun and warmth is helping you refresh.

(I used to hate that winter S.A.D. It's one of the main reasons I moved south.)

**hugs**

And so many more like these too...

I posted these up here to share with you, so that you can see, we're not all 'bad' and the 'fan clubs' we have aren't JUST about attention- they offer us so much more and these little smippets are a perfect example of what they offer:
- hope
- re assurance
- strength
- support
- understanding
- compassion
- encouragement

I don't have this kind of support and encourangement in my real life/every day life, with those I love- it simply does NOT exist!

Everyone needs someone in their corner routing for them.
Hell I was cheerleader- that's what we DID! Lift moral and inspire encouragement for the team.
Why?
Because they needed it and we all do.

Our fan clubs comesate for things we don't have in our emotional lives. We were never given them and now don't know how to acheive them in relationships because were warped to split, regress, surpress and distance ourselves from the people we love. He HAD to do this for our own survival.

This is something we will change through therapy and personal growth.

My posych told me to get the support my 'friends/fans' are willing to give. That I need that, and it's OK to need that. Needing love and support isn't a 'bad' thing, it's a human thing...

My goal is to except the love and support from my guys. Offer them my time and attention in return,my caring shoulder to cry on and to be there for them as I once was (within my boundries and time limits, so that it doe NOT take obver my life as it once did) and NOT use, manipulate or seek things from them in a monitary way/tangable sense at all. If they offer 'help' to me, I'm to say NO and be independant, not give into that impulse and it's attraction.

My guys have been warned NOT to offer me things- if they do I will run from them. I'm not going to make those same mistakes again. I seek their friendship and support- nothing more.



I'm not sure if 'fan clubs' are standard HPD thing NWG- it's not listed in the DSM anywhere and it's not a requirement to be histrionically disordered I don't think. I never set out to have 'fans' it just happened... It's something that has been happening for me for a very long time- I don't know why that is; but it is... For whatever reason they're there. I mean I know why I have them, but yet I'm not sure why they have me- (that part makes little sense to me right now) but I'm glad I'm have them right now. I get strength from them and some of them have gotten strength from me over the years too.

I know a lot of the NON's here don't like me. I've done some pretty reched to my men (not you personally) and I can totally see how that inspires a lot of dislike towards me. I accept that. I can't please all of the people all of the time, and I'm not perfect- never claimed to be so... But as much as many of you dislike me, feel offended by me, triggered by me and inflamed by me- I'm NOT all bad. There are many good parts of me you've seen or even heard about before, and I'm a great person to many people.

This is not 'fake' or a false face- that is me and part of who I am.

What you see here, when I am able to give help and hope to others, you call a cry for attention- poppycock! That's me being the 'good me'that I am when I able to do so. When I'm the 'bad me' I do horrible things, but like all of my life- that's not constant, and it doesn't last forever...

I used to find great strength on these boards when people believed in me, cared for me and supported me- that doesn't exist here anymore. I don't feel safe sharing myself here anymore. Too much has happened and I'll probably never open up like that on here again and that's a shame- not just for me, but for the many like me who feel, see, know themselves in my stories, my experiences and my words...

Off to bed
Gnite

Alice,

Thanks for sharing your friends writings. It sounds like they are really nice friends.

Honestly, you have been really helpful and supportive to me too and I appreciate it. I get why you feel hesitant to post a lot of personal stuff. That's why I take mini vacations too.

At least we can keep a few threads for ourselves to help each other.

NWG

Thnaks NWG

I'll maintain some of my threads and keep posting new things as find them, but for the most part this place is not healthy for me because it breeds a lot of guilt and shame in the things I've done in the past. People are too quick to pounce/judge/condemn and as a wise friend once told me, "What you end up with is a bunch of lunatics running the assylum"

There is no peace inside a world of pain, and the pain of others is often projected in hatered and prejudice.

I've tried to be helpful where I can. Lend support where I can. Share knowledge where I can; but I'm on a new level in my recovery now. I no longer need this place as I once did. I wish it were possible for me to be here to support others but there's a few reasons I can't do that:

1. I'm not strong to be a good form of support for anyone
2. I lack consistancy and I'm too volitile to be depended on
3. Being here and sharing myself openly and honestly, has caused me a lot of harm from others, and I won't allow for that happen again (boundries).
4. There is a whole big world out there I want desperately to be apart of again. Sitting behind this screen all the time stops me from living a real life and enjoying the world around me. I'm still unconfortable doing that kinda stuff, but I'm forcing myself to suck it up and take it little steps at a time...

It's a very hard road. It's long road, and lonely road too; but it's the pathway to recovery that I have to follow.

I see my Beth today and I will be back with news I'm sure. She's wonderful and I love her. No matter what I've done, or what I do- she cares for me and accepts me for who I am.

To learn love, you must expereince love (the right way) and I'm doing that... feeling her security and learning to love myself despite of myself.

I never understood how important that was when Val used to say it all the time; but it really is KEY here- LOVE!
Allowing yourself to be loved, love yourself and love others

WOW!

Amazing!!!

Take Care & ttys
~Alice

Aww Alice,

I really understand what you are saying. I am so happy that you are feeling so positive and healthy. Yeah--for you.

I will of course miss you when you don't post but I am really glad that you are doing what is healthy for you. It's nice that you are making that stand and recognize it.

I'm glad you found Beth and that she is really making such a positive impact. I see a big difference in your posts toward the postive. It really makes me happy for you and just happier in general..

See ya later (if ya feel like it),
NWG

What are these fan clubs? And how do I get one? I really want one! LOL. This always baffles me, as I feel like people tend NOT to like me - at least the people I want to like me. The ones I don't want to like (the unattractive, weak men) tend to like me TOO much. They can't just be my friend, it has to be more. I've pretty much accepted that I can't have a friend that is not a woman or a gay man, unless I'm willing to sleep with said friend in a FWB situation. But women generally don't like me much - or they tend not to. Maybe I have just given up trying. That might be the reason. I expect to fail at making friends and people sense that.