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Recovering from HPD relationship then deal with another

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Recovering from HPD relationship then deal with another

Postby earthrooster » Tue Mar 22, 2011 2:14 pm

Its been a while since I've been back here....and would like to or need to spill out again...

Im just getting over my ex, still think of her when the triggers of the past surface again, but apart from that she's out of my head, which is amazing. But, the aftermath, the damage is quite remarkable...healing DOES take a long time.

I moved cities to try start a new life. I moved in with this girl who was a friend of a friend (not close). We both fell ill with a virus and helped each other through it. It was nice and loving and intimate in a caring way. we got over the illness and she would come into my bed room, we'd talk, then she'd come in and lie next to me talking, then this lead to massages to her only, then she slept in my bed one night (no sex or any touching at all).

I found it a bit strange, the energy was not right at all in a sense that it felt like it was all about her, nothing was getting reciprocated. (im not talking through my cock either). It was attention seeking hell again. My past started to scream through my head. Red flags Mister - wake up...

Anyway, She told me she was raped as a child, and of course you have empathy for anyone who has experienced horrifying trauma as rape. I thought, But was it true? My past now getting me not trusting a word... But, here it started, she would ask me to do everything, give her attention all the time while we were home. She would only talk about her self, and bore the living daylights out of me, and now she started doing the devaluing shite! why do you do that, thats shite etc...amazing! She would ask me out, and if I didnt want to go she would flip out! So I told her Im moving out, she screamed in a text message, " you just want to go back to your ex and ###$ her etc...! I thought to myself in utter confusion, are we a couple or something? So, I would keep my temper at bay, and be nice, its her shite not mine... I am not falling for this again.

But, WTF is this all about? I feel like Lord Jim from the Joseph Conrad book, where a guy keeps running away to different countries, but finds his shite follows where ever he goes! Is this a test? a test for what aspects?

Ive been doing a lot for the betterment of myself and soul and now I receive this? Instead of crying victim, I have thought hard and deep and my conclusion is, These are tests for the new self and the shedding of whats not needed anymore.

Life goes on....keep your inner harmony, remember, its all pure harmonics, the vibrations that make up everything...

Sorry to bore, but had to let it out...

love to you all
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Re: Recovering from HPD relationship then deal with another

Postby treetop » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:38 pm

to play devil's advocate, earth, I'll suggest this girl isn't disordered and you're just projecting some of the traumas of your past relationship into this new one.

from a girl's point of view I'll tell you, you may not think a relationship is there but perhaps she does, and as such, she's angry when you want to leave it. she may think there is a relationship because you show mutual caring for one another, she's shared intimate conversation with you, and you are probably around each other a lot and she perhaps has deeper feelings for you. I think that in a girl's mind, sexual intimacy isn't the only marker of a 'relationship', sharing intimate conversation/space is a 'relationship' as well. in addition, if stories of her past trauma is true, she may have some left-over abandonment fears - which is why she raged at the thought of you abandoning her- she was scared of it happening.

perhaps she is telling you a lot about herself because she wants to establish intimacy. if she listens when you begin talking about yourself as well, that means she is truly interested. perhaps she is trying to get you to open up.

because of your past bad relationship you may be prone to thinking that history is repeating itself even if it isn't.

on the flip side- you two did move in together fairly soon without knowing much about each other, and that could spell trouble. if she is disordered, and you are picking up on true red flags, then I would question why you moved in with a relative stranger and set yourself up for this situation all over again. good luck to you in sorting it all out!
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Re: Recovering from HPD relationship then deal with another

Postby Cpt » Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:08 pm

treetop wrote:to play devil's advocate, earth, I'll suggest this girl isn't disordered and you're just projecting some of the traumas of your past relationship into this new one.

from a girl's point of view I'll tell you, you may not think a relationship is there but perhaps she does, and as such, she's angry when you want to leave it. she may think there is a relationship because you show mutual caring for one another, she's shared intimate conversation with you, and you are probably around each other a lot and she perhaps has deeper feelings for you. I think that in a girl's mind, sexual intimacy isn't the only marker of a 'relationship', sharing intimate conversation/space is a 'relationship' as well. in addition, if stories of her past trauma is true, she may have some left-over abandonment fears - which is why she raged at the thought of you abandoning her- she was scared of it happening.

perhaps she is telling you a lot about herself because she wants to establish intimacy. if she listens when you begin talking about yourself as well, that means she is truly interested. perhaps she is trying to get you to open up.

because of your past bad relationship you may be prone to thinking that history is repeating itself even if it isn't.

on the flip side- you two did move in together fairly soon without knowing much about each other, and that could spell trouble. if she is disordered, and you are picking up on true red flags, then I would question why you moved in with a relative stranger and set yourself up for this situation all over again. good luck to you in sorting it all out!


That's quite the devil's advocate. This girl was raped, she likely has some sort of disorder. There are certain red flags that in my mind produce a "guilty until proven innocent" mindset for self-preservation purposes.
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Re: Recovering from HPD relationship then deal with another

Postby Cincy_81 » Sun Apr 24, 2011 4:51 pm

I don't think this is unusual at all, unfortunately. (I have my Armchair Psychology Degree from the University of Google! :lol: )
Really, though, this is a tale as old as time, people running from one relationship into another that's just like it. Abused women running to another abuser, codependents running to another addict, etc. Maybe you are projecting but it's also highly likely that yes, you fall into these relationships for a reason.

I think what you need to look at, either with a professional or with some intense introspection, is why you fall into these relationships. Did you learn a particular way of relating to others in your own childhood that makes these relationships a "natural" thing for you? What signals are you maybe sub-conciously giving off that attract a very particular kind of person? Why do you find yourself attracted to this type of person in return?

Unfortunately we're all taught from an early age to "follow our hearts" in relationships, but if you're programmed to seek out the dysfunctional, you might have to train yourself to "follow your head".
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Re: Recovering from HPD relationship then deal with another

Postby Run » Sun Apr 24, 2011 6:43 pm

Cincy_81 wrote:I don't think this is unusual at all, unfortunately. (I have my Armchair Psychology Degree from the University of Google! :lol: )
Really, though, this is a tale as old as time, people running from one relationship into another that's just like it. Abused women running to another abuser, codependents running to another addict, etc. Maybe you are projecting but it's also highly likely that yes, you fall into these relationships for a reason.



This is certainly true.
I think you have to work out your experience with the very first person in your life with these traits, before you are able to get intimate relations with "normal" people.
I am in that process at the moment and I have the experience that I feel much more connected to the world around me, in stead of to my family. In the past I did feel "safe" with people with personality disorders or problems like that - it's familiar territory -, now I feel safe(r) with normal people. In the past I did see 'red flags', but I did not feel it. Now I can also feel 'red flags', I become nauseous and angry.
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