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A tendency to play the martyr in a big way?

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A tendency to play the martyr in a big way?

Postby Curious_123 » Sat Mar 12, 2011 3:56 pm

I am really just curious as to whether this is characteristic of some people with HPD? I'm thinking of a particular person in my life, whose behavior perplexes me. After a lot of Google searches I think he best fits the description for HPD, except that his "biggest" thing is Playing The Victim, and I don't see this as being linked to any particular personality disorder. He does fit the other criteria for HPD though.

Mostly I see this in regard to relationships and employment. In relationships, according to him, he is always the saint, the martyr, and he is forced to do everything for the other person, who is veritably helpless without him. He'll claim his significant other can't / couldn't take care of themsevles at all, and he runs himself ragged caring for them, until it inevitably gets to be too much and he "has" to detach and take care of himself. On closer examination, though, his idea of doing "everything" seems to involve being assigned routine chores like taking out the trash and fixing things around the house, while his significant other does in fact have domestic duties of her own.

In terms of his employment history, he is extremely charming and so he seems to land himself a lot of good positions. From what I know about his actual work performance, though, he tends to be semi-lazy at work. Not that he won't do anything, but he'll enthusiastically do the things that appeal to him and ignore everything else (which is often the boring, but more important, paperwork / detail oriented side of things,) and attempt to dump this in someone else's lap or just put it off until someone else is forced to do it for him.

The kicker, though, is that after doing this he really believes he is entirely responsible for any and all success that happens at his place of work, no matter how much he actually contributed. In his mind he single-handedly made sure the new project, office, store, etc., was successful, and, I think, really believes that those around him cruelly "stole" his rightful success from him by not acknowledging this and handing over all the rewards to him (top title, ownership, profits - it varies by situation.) He doesn't overtly get angry but quietly seeths with rage at all the various "injustices" he believes others have committed against him.

As I said, I can see HPD, but to me the whole resounding need to play the victim is the most prominent thing that I see with him, and I wonder if this is HPD or something else?
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Re: A tendency to play the martyr in a big way?

Postby thisislabor » Sat Mar 12, 2011 10:09 pm

I do a desk job that is only paperwork. but... I could still see where he would not see doing all the follow up paperwork as "work" if he doesn't see how it brings the company revenues. He may not have been challenged enough at his current job to ever be forced to see how all the follow up paperwork actually protects and helps his regular job.

I know I have personally had that issue before.

and yes, I do do the playing the victim role a tad.. not necessarily a purposeful thing as it is my default normal running just how I think behavior.. but I have come learn that I do that because I don't believe the rest of the world believes in forgiveness of basic and regular mistakes of "normal" and "common" behavior. - does that make sense?

fyi - I am an HPD male.

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Re: A tendency to play the martyr in a big way?

Postby Curious_123 » Sun Mar 13, 2011 1:14 am

Thanks for the reply ThisIsLabor - it's good to hear the other side of it. It's easy to just get offended when someone seems to be taking more credit than they're due, but it helps me understand more when I realize he might genuinely not understand how certain responsibilities affect things.
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Re: A tendency to play the martyr in a big way?

Postby SansStars » Sun Mar 13, 2011 6:36 am

I'll admit, I did not read the wall-o-text OP. My attention span isn't that long. But.. I do agree with this..

thisislabor wrote:
and yes, I do do the playing the victim role a tad.. not necessarily a purposeful thing as it is my default normal running just how I think behavior.. but I have come learn that I do that because I don't believe the rest of the world believes in forgiveness of basic and regular mistakes of "normal" and "common" behavior. - does that make sense?


I think, just based on your thread title, that playing the martyr is a good way to put it. Everything I do is extraordinary for everyone because I'm wonderful and I take all the burden for you. My life is so hard so give me extra praise.
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Re: A tendency to play the martyr in a big way?

Postby OtherHPD » Mon Mar 14, 2011 1:01 pm

I think it goes hand in hand with our blame shifting and gaslighting abilities. If someone else is to blame then we must, naturally, be the victim.
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