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HPD Ex-Friend

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HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:48 pm

I was friends with this girl for almost 8 years. We were actually BEST friends. We lived pretty far apart so having to interact with each other in a social setting was few and far between. We mostly talked via phone, and IM (daily). I noticed how there was always some drama going on with her, and someone else in her life. I just gave my advice, and she seemed to ignore it and then continue to complain. This was something that happened ALL the time. There was always someone who was jealous of her. ALWAYS. Every guy wanted her, every girl wanted to be here, everyone always f*@ked her over. She always had money issues. She'd always ask me "for a loan" and I gave into small amounts 1 or 2 times. NEVER paid me back. EVER. As the years went by we eneded up actually living in the same city. We tried to be roommates, but she had a SERIOUS cocaine problem, alcohol problem, and kelpto problem. I was the victim in several of her thefts, and she just denied it. Even though I caught her with the items. She would just say "Oh shut up. I can borrow it." and act like it was no big deal. There was a big enough blow up after the roommate thing that I called off the friendship for awhile. 2 years actually. After all that time of NC I received an email with an explanation (re: NOT apology) for her actions. Saying she was having trouble with her bf etc etc. I, stupidly, forgave her, and let her back in my life. After she was fired from her job for stealing thousands of dollars from the company (not her fault again supposedly. The account was out to get her cause she was fat and jealous) her boyfriend broke up with her and kicked her out of his house. She ended up having to move back home with her Mom. In a year time she sustained 2 DWI's, a bigger drug problem, and a LOT more drama. I myself had started a life, and had really settled down. I was getting ready to get married. I had no time to deal with her, and she seemed to really be complimentary of what was going on for me despite how destitute her life was. In the months leading up to my wedding she would come to visit me and "help me with wedding stuff" (she didn't) what she did do is take advantage of me by saying that's what she was doing for a free ticket out to visit. She slept with several of my husbands friends, and ended up stealing some make up from me, a bottle of prescription pills, and some other items. (Again, she denied all this EXCEPT when my husband called her out on it. Then it was "an accident") She would flounce around in TINY shorts, and tight shirts with no bra. She would steal my perfume and wear it, and we even found out she had a cheap knock off replica of my engagement ring in her suitcase. CREEPY!
Fast forward to the wedding. She made a HUGE drama case. She tried to pick fights with my bridesmaids. She told people she was my Maid of Honor (WTF?!) She slept with my photographer, she slept with the caretaker of the venue, and she stole several candles and bottles of wine from the resorts gift shop which my husband and I had to pay for. She even had the audacity to ask my father for a $2k "loan". (she denied this and said my father was stupid and delusional!!!)
Since all this I immediately cut off ALL contact. My life was SO much better.
Then after 3 months she sends me an email saying that she had found the gift she got me for my wedding for sale on a DIY site. She said that she had made it out of priceless family heirlooms from her great grandma, and she as going to call the police and say I stole it, if I didn't give it back to her. I said I'd be willing to return the pieces that were GG's and that's it. She asked me to come to her place of work (she lied about where she was working.) to give her the stuff. I said "No. I do not feel safe in doing so, nor am I going to waste my time or gas to convenience you."
I guess I just wonder why she won't just GO AWAY?! Get the hint that I'm done. She didn't even apologize for her actions at my wedding. Just acted like she was the innocent victim, and everyone else was a complete asshole to her. Her delusion is so palpable I could choke.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Chucky » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:24 pm

Hi,

My opinion is that she won't go away because you continually give her the attention that she craves from you. She creates a drama ... you respond ... and the cycle repeats. The perfect example is that 'threat' to call the police over the wedding gift. It was an idle threat that you should have ignored. Do you honestly believe that the police would have had time to listen to a person like her over a silly gift? They have much better things to be doing than sorting out a petty argument.

What can you do to be 'rid' of her? My advice is simple: Be ruthless in how you cut her out of your life, and don't even show her decency by trying to explain why you are getting 'rid' of her. Change your email, number, etc, and be done with it. She's gone, and no explaining needs to be done. If she calls to your door, then don't answer it. If she creates a scene, then ignore it. She's only looking for attention, attention that she's used to getting from you and others.

Kevin
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:00 am

You are absolutely right, Kevin. In hindsight I really should have asked myself if the police would give a care about her made up lies. I honestly should have let her file that false police report. I guess at the time my thought process was "well, if I'm just civil and agreeable, she'll go away." Then when she wanted to meet up, I was just very stern on the "no. I am not meeting you" response. I don't want to be mean, but I also don't want her to think I'm weak and can be taken advantage of like I have been in the past.
I guess I am focusing too much on the "why's" and "What happened's"; more so than I should be.
I guess I was also wondering why after 3 months she all of a sudden cares about this gift and wants it back so badly. Obviously just an excuse to get attention from me to see if I still care.
I did create a filter in my email, as google doesn't allow you to block people yet.
I did block her from Facebook, and I deleted myspace. I blocked her from twitter too, but she knows my personal blog, and stalks me on there. That's also how she found the gift I was selling. Stalking. Seems like odd behavior for someone who supposedly doesn't care.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby StrugglingHPD » Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:05 am

HPD to a T. Good you're out of that harmful situation, and hope she gets some help.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby thisislabor » Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:51 am

. . . . I don't know if I have ever acted this way or in a similar male comparison manner.... then again, I never had friends to find out with. :/

... my best advice - I don't know about the HPD part - but she just sounds psycho! run in fear! seriously. tell her contacting you is harrassment and the next time she does you will file a police report - and don't say it with any emotion in your voice or with any emotion in your face or in your body language or tone or inflection. as "real" as you can tell her. not as "flat" as you can tell her.

flat = b*tch.
real = honest.

(whether or not you should follow through with the threat is another subject...).

- Labor.
When the time comes there will not be enough people to bury the dead.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:04 pm

Thanks Labor and Struggling!

I've had people in the past say she's psycho as well. Luckily it's been about 5+ days since her last email. I'm hoping by denying her request it's defused any ammunition she had to contact me. She kept using this dress she borrowed from me as a sort of ransom. Saying "when you return my Great grandma's brooches, then I'll return your dress." - I just told her "I honestly don't care about the dress anymore. I counted it as a loss when I left the wedding venue." Hopefully that took away anything she can hold over my head.
She's turned people against me, not anyone I'm close too really, so I don't care. But it proves she's talking about me behind my back.
When she comes up, I just say "yikes. I dunno. I've been so busy doing my own thing....." so that the conversation cannot go anywhere.
I hate worrying she's going to show up at my house, or do something equally as insane. Are HPD's violet? I never knew her to get into a physical altercation, but she can be very aggressive, and intimidating. Her MO is usually to just run away. She claims to be a "gypsy".
Oh, I didn't mention that RIGHT before my wedding she moved to the town I live in with my husband. She moved into a house with my brothers old roommate who is deployed with the military. I never said I wanted her to do this. Her reason was "Cause she was from here." Um, she's NOT. She's from the West Coast born and raised. Never even visited this state till a month before my wedding!!! So yeah, a 3k+ move. She was getting kicked out of her house, she had 2 DWI's, got fired from her job, and had started a lot of drama with her group of friends.
She also really liked one of my husbands friends. She slept with him right away. He told her he was originally from Wyoming. So on her trek to move to this state. (Virginia area) she detoured all the way to Wyoming (1,000 miles out of the way) to "see where he was from. Get an idea of what it was like there. Just in case..." - When he heard this he was like "WTF!?!?!"
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby treetop » Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:13 pm

lol stars.. your ex-friend sounds a lot like mine. are they the same person? :) anyway the other posters are right, just ignore her weird attempts at contact, she's just looking for attention. if you give her any kind of attention at all, even being mean to her, she will see that as a win. especially if you're mean to her.. my ex-friend loved to make herself out to be a martyr, and would often show me examples of others being mean to her.. don't be that extra fuel for your friend's delusions.

explanations, yup, they've got 'em for everything, even when they're caught red-handed. never apologies, just 'explanations'. the thing was, I probably would have continued to be her friend (though with more distance involved) had she apologized and acknowledged what she did, instead of making up some dumb 'explanations' as to why she was justified in what she did. weird how they always want to be 'roommates' I guess.. my friend wanted to be roomates too, I'm glad I dodged that bullet, and sorry to hear you had to put up with it! I was struggling financially as it was, it would have been worse had she been my roommate because she would have expected me to support her besides myself and my daughter. after I was friends with her for awhile, I noticed she found places to live mostly by mooching off of others, she rarely kept a job for longer than 6 months. and drama, she always had some, but after awhile I noticed most of it was created in her own mind or manufactured by manipulating people into crappy situations. she mostly did it for her own entertainment and didn't care who she hurt with her manufactured dramas.

I get the 'wanting to know why', too.. when a person goes through a friendship this weird, you usually wonder what the heck just happened.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:27 pm

Treetop,

Isn't the delusion unfathomable? It's like "How do you honestly believe what you are saying right now!?!?" Is it pathological? The explanations are just bull$#*t.

I haven't been mean, just direct. I felt that the blunt and direct approach would be best, but it's hard to tell how someone reads that as inflection cannot be detected in text very well. For all I know her maniacal brain will see it as a challenge.

yep, the mooching is a big one. I've seen her mooch and mooch and mooch. Mooched of Ex-bf till he kicked her out. Mooched of friend, she kicked her out. Mooched off Mom, then moved away. Now she's mooching off my brothers ex roommate. We warned him, and he didn't head the warning, so it's kinda like we feel he deserves it.

She does seem to be to cling onto men, and try to not screw them over as much as women. She has EXTREME daddy issues, and will admit as much. So, her desire for approval from ANY guy is disgusting. I've seen her hook up with some dudes she's only known for 4 min and bought her a few drinks at a bar. Then claim it was love. I used to think she just really romanticized relationships. Thinking it was WAY more than it was, but it was all just superficial and her HPD way of thinking.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby StrugglingHPD » Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:16 pm

Violence is not necessarily a trait of HPD. However, rash decision-making is. In my younger years, I got into fights in school. Since childhood, I have had violent fantasies about physically harming people who have pissed me off or hurt me emotionally. In your situation, we really don't know exactly what she is capable of. There is no question that this girl is certainly crazy. (What the hell, she made a scene at YOUR wedding?? That is just ridiculous. And her bewildering move is very symptomatic of HPD.) Thus, we can conclude that she does make rash and poor decisions. This does not mean, however, we can conclude that she has violent inclinations. However, it is important that you be careful, at least for a while. My advice would be to avoid making empty threats. Why? Because to an HPD, nothing is more triggering than a hugely dramatic scene being created because of HER. As twisted as it sounds, our instinctive theory is that negative attention is better than no attention.... negative attention shows "just how important we are." I agree with everyone who's saying stay no contact, even if she tried to contact you. Be courteous and don't lash out, not only because you want to be the one to take the high road (you'll always have that knowledge that you did the right thing) but also so that you don't anger her so much that she could lash out in a violent manner. This of course doesn't mean you need to live the rest of your life walking on eggshells. No one should have that kind of power over you, and especially not someone so crazy. Just use moderate caution until she is absolutely gone from your life. It really shouldn't even take that long if you don't give her any "supply." (This is our term for attention gained by an HPD in order to feed the disorder.)

I actually have a question for you, hope that's okay. :) Do normal people also have these little violent "fantasies" toward people who have hurt them? For example, last night I dreamed that I kicked my ex really hard. The other day, I was fantasizing about how hard I would punch my partner's ex gf (who was a total b!tch to me when I met her) if I ever see her again. I mean, I would absolutely never go all psycho gun crazy or anything, but I do have these angry, primal drives to physically repay those who have hurt me emotionally. I daydream of really causing physical damage to my ex boss, with whom I had a mutually hateful relationship. I would never EVER hurt an innocent person for no reason, or especially never a child or anything. I just wonder if normal people have such strong urges/desires to bring extreme physical harm to those who have hurt them.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby treetop » Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:35 pm

struggling's right.. your friend might not necessarily become violent, but be wary of what could trigger her. being direct, as you've done, could work but it might not. I tried going the direct route with my friend, she took it as an insult. (being direct meaning, I told her why our friendship wasn't working, because she continually lied to me; and I told her why I was angry with her, because she destroyed one of my relationships and got a lot of innocent people into trouble). she immediately twisted my words to be a personal attack, claiming that I "did everything I could just to sh!t on her, while she had done everything she could to 'help' me". huh?? of course that made me mad, and I knew that's what she was looking for - an angry response - because she then hung up the phone call and started texting. she wanted me to send her a ranting text so she could show it to other people. very transparent motive there. anyway I didn't give her what she wanted so she then patronized me, saying "it's not your fault you're so ignorant and don't know who to trust, I wish you luck in the future". okaaay... LOL. still fishing for that 'angry text' from me, obviously. she must have really wanted to show it to some new supply source of hers, to back up her stories of how awful she told them I was.

she became verbally violent but never physically violent. she hasn't tried to stalk either, though she has done some round-about things like ask other people what I'm up to lately (these 'other people' informed me of this asking around); when she was asking she seemed to be fishing for bad information about me.
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