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HPD Ex-Friend

Histrionic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

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Attention Please. You are entering the Histrionic Personality Disorder forum. Please read this carefully.

Given the unique propensities of those who are faced with the issues of HPD, topics at times may be uncomfortable for non HP readers. Discussions related to HPD behavior are permitted here, within the context of deeper understanding of the commonalties shared by members. Indulging or encouraging these urges is not what this forum is intended for.

Conversations here can be triggering for those who have suffered abuse from HPDs. .
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:50 pm

No, I never feel violent. I feel like I could give a good verbal lashing to someone who has lied, stolen, and been emotionally toxic, but never violent.

I am glad I found this forum. I find it very helpful to see the insight you have all given me, and to just be able to talk openly about it. It gives me strength to understand, and to keep the NC.

Regardless of how crazy she was, its still the loss of a friend. It does suck to lose a friend. It makes me wonder what I could have done differently, even if nothing. In the end, being taken advantage of sucks, and when you realize how shallow and meaningless it all was, you're sad. The lies I was told hurt. And really the fact that I knew a lot of her crazy, and tolerated it. It made me feel like she had a good friend in me because I didn't judge her for it, and I really gave her chance after chance.

In the end it was the fact she didn't take ANY responsibility for her actions that hurt the worse. Had she said "I'm sorry" once, it would have been nice. But she just blame shifted, and then attacked me.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby treetop » Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:03 pm

bingo, stars! you definitely hit on one of the most hurtful aspects.. I, like you, just wanted a real apology or some kind of real 'closure' to the situation, and it was hurtful because I knew I'd never get her to admit what she was doing, despite how much proof she was faced with. I guess the realization that she didn't really 'care' that she hurt me or others was the most difficult for me to fathom. I'd been around disordered people before and they usually had some shred of guilt for doing terrible things to people, with her, it's as though her guilt-meter was completely non existant. it was just hard to understand that type of thinking.

being the prideful person that I am, I believe I made the situation worse.. or perhaps better, whichever way you want to look at it I guess. I rarely like to show people that they've hurt me, even if they have. I know that she was not only fishing for my angry response, but she was fishing for my hurt response as well. I never gave her either, just an explanation of why it was over. that could have been a good thing in that she never got a chance to 'feed' off of my pain (and feed her 'I'm superior, I hurt you' delusion), but it could have been a bad thing in that she doesn't get to realize that she caused damage. I guess I had an 'inkling' that she wouldn't care if I was hurt anyway, I'd seen her go through many other relationships and she seemed to relish the end of the relationship when the person was hurt and she had the 'upper hand' so to speak. I 'finally' learned my lesson I suppose... all along I had seen her do horrible things to people, but I always thought, she's my friend, she'd never do that to me. I'd finally wised up and realized her patterns of behavior with me would be no different, given enough time.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:22 pm

Exactly, I'd seen her go through so many friends too. I just wasn't around to know both sides, so I only heard her side. But after awhile I will admit, I was glad before she moved to the town we are in now, because when she would tell me these stories, I would think "What is wrong with all these people?!"

She had a tendency to move a lot. I've said that. And she's very outgoing, and friendly, really pretty, and if you're a guy EXTREMELY complimentary. So she has no trouble meeting people. She really imposes on people right away. Asking them to drive her places, buy her booze, take her to dinner, loan her $20...etc. And these "friendships" would be quick and intense. She'd have, what I call, "Just add water" bff's. Though I was apparently the only person that was her TRUE Bff, and the only person she could Really talk to. Anyways, after a few months these people would just DROP her. Stop taking her calls, text, emails, msgs. Everything. The would do a Houdini act and just disappear. This happened to her so much, and she'd get so hurt, then she'd move again. Everyone f*@ked HER over. Everyone made up reasons to dislike her, and she didn't understand why.
She would talk about how she didn't understand for a few weeks, and she'd ask me why I thought that it happened, and then she'd have moved on and it was like those friends never even existed.
But I guess I thought our friendship was different because we had longevity. We had years, not a few months. I thought that counted for something. I thought the fact we'd had a few fights under our belt, and had remained friends meant something. That I was her bff.
I think it just meant that I was dumb enough to still keep giving her what she wanted. Attention.
And she honestly only really wanted me to listen to her bitch, and or give her something. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS thought it was pretty one sided.
When I had a fight with my, then fiance, one night, I went to talk to her, and she listened for 10 min. Told me that I will probably divorce, and I shouldn't have kids with him. (WTF advice is that!?!?!) Then she started talking about her flavor of the week guy, and how great things were.
I always left feeling emotionally drained, hurt, ashamed, anxious, confused, and used.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby compton » Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:32 am

Stars...
Yeah, I was there too. Hearing my HPD ex complain of her ex-lovers, relatives, ex-friends, believing everything, every word, and thinking "What horrible people - how could anyone be so cruel to this wonderful woman?"
Once I saw an ice-cold email one of her ex-lovers had sent in response to a perky email from her. It was like: "I have found a wonderful woman who loves me. Please do not contact me ever again." And I thought to myself, what a jerk, responding like that to such a nice friendly email, from such a beautiful woman.
Only later did I understand perfectly!
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby treetop » Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:40 pm

lol.. yeah isn't it the truth. the HPD definitely seems to 'put a spell on people' for quite awhile, they really are experts at eliciting pity from people. probably everyone touched by an HPD at some point has had those 'gee, why are all these people so mean to such a great person' thoughts.. until they get to know who's actually behind the mask.

stars.. I think maybe your relationship had longevity not only because you were willing to give her attention, but because part of the relationship was held over 'long distance'. HPDs seem to be able to keep long distance relationships 'healthy' for quite some time, because for one, the non isn't around to see how the HPD's actions aren't matching up with their words, they only have the HPD's 'stories' to go on, thus they believe the HPD's side of the story for lack of other info to go on.... and for two, HPD's themselves seem to enjoy a little distance now and again, since intimate friendships/relationships scare them on some level and they always end up doing something to self-sabatoge the relationship. at a distance, the HPD can idealize you, and not have any of those fear-of-intimacy issues crop up. that, and the HPD can easily talk crap about you (or idealize you, whichever gets the HPD more attention) to their current 'friends/lovers' because the current friends/lovers have no idea who you really are... and you would be none the wiser for it, because you probably will never meet those people anyway, and you'll never know what's been said about you.

'instant friendship/instant relationship' was definitely the way my HPD friend operated with most people that she interacted with - get together fast, break up fast. if she did have a relationship that lasted longer than a year, it's either because it was a long distance senario (where she talked to the person occasionally by phone, and saw them maybe once or twice a year) or because it was someone who had known her since she was a kid and was used to her shenanegans.. he stayed uninvolved with her latest dramas, just met up with her occasionally for sex/catching up on old times, then they'd both part ways for long periods of time again.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:27 pm

You are both so absolutely right.

I got an email today, after my plane "No" response to her request in the last email. (she wanted me to return a gift she gave me that apparently was made out of her Great Grandma's precious family heirlooms) anyways. In the first line she insults me by saying that I make "absolutely NO sense.." and that she "doesn't want to argue with me" - Um, I was perfectly clear in why I wouldn't give it back, and why I would not drive it to her. WTF?! How is that confusing? How do I not make sense, and what is there to even argue about?

I didn't write back. I'm not going to write back. It seems like she's just going to insult me, just to see if she can piss me off.

I feel like if I just give her the damn gift back, she'd have no reason to contact me. But then she'd be getting what she wants, and I honestly don't want to give it to her. It was a wedding gift. She's such an asshole!
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby compton » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:41 am

treetop -
My HPD ex LOVES long distance relationships, and is in a traveling type job that makes them very easy to set up. She either meets guys when she is traveling, or she meets guys who are themselves traveling, and then the loving emails start up, the whirlwind romantic visits. This way she gets to compartmentalize her various lives, and keep the various "steady" suckers from cramping her style in her home base city, where she is more into craigslist hookups, one night stands and party fun.

What she hates is for one of these steadies to come and stay with her for an extended period. She will groan about this to her friends. "So and so is coming to stay for a month. Wish me luck with that." As the shrinks say, "HPD pathology increases with intimacy" - though I would quibble with the word intimacy. It should just be "HPD pathology increases when you live together with them."

I'm grateful that we stayed a long distance relationship and never actually lived together. This saved me from getting the full doormat, piece of s**t treatment that so many survivors of HPD exes talk about here. When guys moved in with my HPD ex (or she moved in with them on a whim), and she felt "smothered" (i.e. deprived of fresh male attention) she would pull stunts like staying out all night and returning covered in hickeys. In-your-face infidelity. I thank God I never got that kind of humiliation; it would be even harder to put her behind me.
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby Starsandstripes » Thu Jan 13, 2011 11:46 am

It's true, Compton! Only when we were in the same city did the "drama" between us really happen. That's when I felt her toxicity. That's when she was able to take advantage, lie, steal, and try and manipulate.
She had boyfriends she lived with, but she always wanted something from them. Like dating an extremely older guy when she was young. Her 18 - him 28. She stayed until the day she turned 21 then POOF gone. No warning to him either. I also know she has SEVER daddy issues. So I think she actually puts men on some sort of pedestal. She really craves male attention, and seems to prefer it over female. I'm off topic, but it also seems she's way more willing to screw over female friends with NO remorse way faster then men too. But maybe that's just because I see it that way. Anyways, next boyfriend apparently smothered her. She couldn't take it. Even though she used him too. She still says how he's so in love with her, and will always be in love with her, but she just doesn't feel that way about him. She makes him out to be this complete and utter pathetic human being who worships the very ground she walks on.
Any boyfriend who seemed to figure out her BS and dropped her for it has been the one to "ruin her life". And she really doesn't seem to grasp that sometimes people just don't like her. There is always something wrong with them. She also chases guys who will not commit to her. They will hang out for many months, sometimes as much as 9. They will tell her "I don't want a relationship..." and then one day they tell her "this is my girlfriend. Now go away." I've seen that happen to her several several times. She always says "he was cheating on me" and then sends ugly messages to the new girlfriend. Trying to start drama!

I'm SOO SO glad my husband saw through her right away. Part of his job is to interrogate people, and figure out their motives or way of thinking. So right away he knew there was something not right about her. He told her too. So she disliked him right away. Spread lies about him and our relationship to other people. Talked $#%^ on him, and even blamed him for me "changing".
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby treetop » Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:37 pm

it's all too familiar.. my HPD friend had 'daddy issues' as well, for most of her life she was raised by a single mother. a very appeasing single mother who let her 'little precious' do pretty much whatever she wanted, including speaking abusively to her mom and even slapping her when she didn't get her way. her mom actually enables many of her manipulations as well, repeating like a robot whatever her daughter wants her to say to her latest 'target'. her mother is so out in left field in believing her daughter's justifications, that she told one of her daughter's exes 'yes, my daughter had a married man stay the night with her when she was in a relationship with you, but nothing at all happened between them, they are just friends. you need to stop being so jealous of her and assuming she is cheating, you're just a bully.' wtf?? yes, it is perfectly acceptable and normal for married men to have 'sleepovers' with women who are not their wife, because they are 'just friends'. lol. her mom seemed to believe this line she was fed, too.

I would say my HPD friend didn't have a preference between male or female attention - she needed attention from both genders, sometimes she would even 'switch' to being a lesbian to get female romantic attention for awhile. come to think of it, the 'lesbian' act was a good cover for her. she could 'date' a woman, and 'hang out' with many men, claiming she has no interest in the men but 'friendship' - and get away with cheating left and right, because the woman she was dating was certain she had no interest in men at all. at the same time, it acted as a lure to men because they assumed she had very little experience with men, she seemed innocent in that area, yet all the while sending them flirty signals that just drove them mad. then when they 'finally' got to sleep with her, they felt they'd won a prize because she 'didn't normally do that.'
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Re: HPD Ex-Friend

Postby treetop » Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:45 pm

to add - my friend usually talked crap about people that figured her out, too.. after I left the friendship, I found that the people she talked the worst about were usually the people that figured her out the quickest.

and she, too, liked to chase 'unavailable' men for months, either men with wives/girlfriends (this was a big one, she loved the feeling of 'power' she could get by coming in between somebody's relationship, if she was able to achieve that), or with men who just weren't that interested in her for a relationship. she would often talk about these men as though they were 'obsessed' with her, when, in fact, they either only wanted her for a few one night stands or they dismissed her all together but remained friendly for the sake of appearances. most men who 'wanted her so bad' according to her didn't want her at all in reality.. which leads to the weird thing of...

men that actually did really want her in a relationship with them, according to her those were the losers, the pathetic idiots, the ones in line to be used and abused. I couldn't fathom why these men continued to pine for her so badly when she talked about how pathetic they were to me all the time, to the point where it sounded like 'nobody' in their right mind would want to date these men, and she 'certainly' didn't want anything to do with them. I wondered why they weren't picking up on that vibe and continued to do nice things for her. then I realized she never acted mean to their face.. she was sweet as pie, flirty, appeasing, shifting her personality to appeal to them - anything she could do to extract maximum supply before she got 'bored.' so they saw her as this wonderful angel, not knowing the horrible things that were going on behind their backs.
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