Hi, I've read through the other threads but want advice on my particular situation. I am a long-term (10+ years) recovering alcoholic (dependent), so I have first hand experience contending with my own PD. I recently got involved with a person exhibiting symptoms of HPD. This person has a history of severe mental illness in their family which she discusses. She knows I am in recovery. In this brief relationship, I was the "other guy", however she was priming me to be next in line. As this is not my first experience with this type of behavior I got out very quickly, told her it wasn't fair to her boyfriend, and that I found such behavior unacceptable and that I am done. I have gone 30 days no contact, but for you purist I do read her emails, which is why I can say that over the course of these 30 days her contacting me by email (complete with apologies for knowing I don't want her to contact me) is escalating out of control. It's the usual, I love you, my behavior didn't match my words, please give us a chance, blah, blah, blah. I am not angry or resentful and I know I want nothing to do with her - I am not so attached. My recovery is more important to me than anything and I have had enough bad experience to know I cannot fix her and that I have more work to do on me so I'm not so attracted to toxic people but I do still have the "nice guy" impulse and I was thinking of sending the following email. Please share your thoughts and opinions with me as to the genuine helpfulness of this to her and the risk to myself.
Your disrespect of my wishes for no contact is not very attractive and has the opposite affect of what you intend. However,I do care about you enough to be inconsistent and respond, though it is only to take a risk and tell you some difficult things, as I see them. Right or wrong, please know that I am coming from a place of care and respect for you.
I think you exhibit symptoms of a Cluster B personality disorder, probably Histrionic. If this seems ridiculous to you chalk it up to projection. I have my own disordered personality to deal with. I tell you this because I am assuming that, like me, you are person who desires deep, lasting, intimacy with another person but has a hard time experiencing it. Also like me, you may need help in achieving it. There is no shame in this. Many people, me included, have been wounded in childhood (abandoned, abused, shamed, and neglected - to name my own list of grievances), but it is possible to take responsibility for your recovery and not let this continue to define your adult relationships.
If you'd rather not look at this, or think I'm a total nut job just delete the email. I won't bother you again.
I will take another risk and say that if you want to talk about it, I am willing. But only if YOU want to talk about it. I will not attempt to further diagnose you or justify my observation. Again, if you think it's ridiculous then it is. If we do talk and I percieve any hostility, aggression, or cajoling to continue a relationship, I will hang up and cut off all contact. I tell you now that there will be no relationship of any kind for us any time in the near or not so near future. I will not change my mind. If we do talk it WILL be the last contact we have for an extended period of time to last no less than three months. I need this time to get over you because that is how much I care, not how much I dislike or wish to punish you. I also know I will never be the man you need me to be because no man can.
Know that I am telling you this because I love you and I will tell you the truth as I see it even if it means you despise me for doing so. If you want to video chat on the basis of the above conditions, fine. If not and you respond to this email, fine; but I will not write back. One phone call or response to this email, then no contact begins and I insist that you respect my wishes. I will do whatever I have to do to enforce that.
If I have any advice to give it would be not to close your mind to the idea that there may be a God who can fill the emptiness inside you.
I will for you to experience the greatest love, peace, and fulfillment this world has to offer, because you deserve it. If I thought I could be the one to give it to you, I gladly would.
"The hell to be endured hereafter, of which theology tells, is no worse than the hell we make for ourselves in this world by habitually fashioning our characters in the wrong way."