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My girlfriend has HPD please help!

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My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby melkor » Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:17 pm

Hi,

Ill begin by saying that I have been consulting a psychologist for the last because of my relationship with my gf. My psy suggested upon my descriptions of my gf that she may have HPD.

I think the best thing to start with would be to tell a bit of our story. I am 33 my gf is 32, we started dating back in mid october, we met through a dating site, things happened quickly, we spoke for 13 hours on the phone in 3 days, we met and spent the next 4 days together, I was amazed by her level of interest, her commitment, her enthousiasm, I thought things were going a bit fast and that she seemed to be heading into this relationship in a very ''head on'' and naive way but I thought--hey why not, this is what I wanted after all--... She went on a cruise with her mother and aunt for 11 days and she would text me and call me every day saying how she missed me and all, everything was incredible. When she came back we went to Washington DC the same day together and things were incredible, we fell madly in love with one another and I was in heaven... The sex was amazing, there was nothing she wouldnt do, she bought a dancer pole (which is still in its box, unopened), sex was long and great, she would keep on taking pictures of us the whole time, then she wanted us to buy a camcorder to film it, which we only did once ot twice... Then in mid-january things started to slide a bit, my aunt and her friend came from France and pretty much at the same time my gf got into sick leave from her complaining she was tired, had night sweats, etc, pretty much signs of depression or burnout. I took time off work too being worried about her... When my aunt and her friend went back to france she strangely recovered and went back to work...

She has this need to always look at other men, when were in public her eyes are constantly rolling everywhere, its very annoying, I see her clearly trying to see if the guy will look at ther, always good looking men obviously, I questionned her several times why she did that, she would say that she looks at everyone, men and woman equal but its clear thats not true... What is most frustrating is I am of very good appearance myself, I get offers from other girls interested in me who are just waiting for me to be single (and im saying this bc they have told me ...not bc I think- perhaps- maybe, thats the case) but thats not what I want, I want my relationship with my gf to work... Sometimes we can be the 2 of us talkoing normally , like the other day and then one of her colleague shows up, to talk to her. Its amazing how her attitude can change so fast. All of a sudden she becomes all agitated, super enthousiastic, she starts to move her body in a weird semi-provocative semi-childish attitude, she speaks faster and in a more provocative and louder tone, being super smiling… Everytime I think—ha, this must be a good friend of hers at work and Im surprised to learn everytime that she didnt even know the person… Several times, when we meet couples, I have noticed her to start to kind of side with the guy against his own gf… kind of like questionning or provocking the other guy’s gf, while at the same time I notice her to talk to the guy in a very friendly and almost flirtatious way, like they had known one another for a long time, touching the arm once in a while, etc, I feel its very disrespectful towards me…

We have been living together since february now, I notice her enthousiasm is much less now, her libido also, all this great person and enthousiam that was there at the beginning is mostly gone… She is very insecure, before we lived together, if I would just go at my friend’s place for an evening she would freak out and keep calling and texting me… She is always complaining about her weight, she is obsessed by it. All the great and long discussions that we’ve had in the past are no more, now I feel like we have nothing to talk about except when she criticises other people like my mother or friends or when we talk about our next trip… What is the hardest thing is that it is so incredibly hard to talk to her, she is incapable of any sort of self questionning, when I ask her why do u act like this or why do u do that, I always, always get the same ######6 answer---I dont know, I dont know, I know im not being a good girl, a good girlfriend but ill improve ….I have the impression of talking to a 12 year old, actually thats what I feel, that she has the emotional maturity of a 12-14 year old girl… Her proximity with her father is pretty weird too, she went to live at 14 with him and it seems the pretty much lived together like a couple except for sex (I hope… I asked if anything happened between them twice but she said no…), they would go on cruises together in the same room, he has the keys to her condo and comes when he wants, when hes there she often takes off her pants just wearing underwear, she says its no worst than being in a bikini, its true but its still weird, she admits sometimes they use to be in underwears together, hes the kind of very dominant father who knows everything, still a nice guy though…

She has no real friend… she seemed to have some friendship with 2-3 colleagues at work but I never see her or them calling… Her parents (divorced) are her only friend it seems, she would go on cruises with them. She has a very low self esteem even though she is very good looking, telling me sometimes---i have to train to be good looking like you—or she always puts herself down, like if we paint a room, what she did isnt good, etc… She told me a bit of her previous relationships, her first bf she was with for 6 years, the guy cheated on her the whole time apparently , was mean and did not treat her well, then obviously, she went out for 18 months with a guy she didnt love and dumped him when she couldnt take it anymore, then she was single for 2 years. I was amazed to hear how naive and how much of a fool she could have been, repetitive sory was shed meet a guy, have sex and then learn the guy was engaged, or dumped her for his ex, etc…

Reading all this you must think—why the hell are you still there, its simple : I love her, deeply, more than I have loved anyone and I would like to help her anyway I could, but I admit Im not happy or maybe 50% happy… There are good points, in fact if wed live on a deserted island things would be paradise, but life is not like that I know… I just dont know what to do, everyone is telling me she wont change and that its pointless to stay, even my psy.. I would like to help her but I just dont know how to tell her this, she obviously has no idea, to her everything is great… Its just so hard to talk to her, she starts crying right away and then runs to her bed to cry in her sheets, like an 8 year old… We are going on a cruises on may 2sd, she specifically asked to get big tables with like 10 or 12 people for dinners, im pretty afraid of those upcoming dinners, her mother told me, ---youll see, when were on a cruise doesnt take her long to take control of the table… She rarely supports me in public, mostly always favoring strangers…Mostly wanting to make herself look good or funny… Once we were out with my friend, she was wearing a coat indoors and my friend asked her if she was cold and she said –ya bc ure not warming me up—right in front of me… its like she just says anything that pops up in her head… This is one example but I could tell so many others…
Anyway, I just dont know that to do… please help??
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby A little Wisernow » Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:15 pm

Melkor.........you're heading down the same road I once traveled.........
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby confused44 » Sun Apr 18, 2010 10:53 pm

sorry, this will sound harsh,
If you don't want to leave her or can't leave her for whatever reason, then think about why do you love her and what are the benefits from being with her? Then once you have that list just use her for these benefits.
Don't think of her in "future" terms, as there won't be any meaningful future with a HPD, the more you give and the more you get attached to her, the more she will try to use you, get bored with you and eventually cheat or leave you for another guy...don't let this happen.
Once you start being selfish towards her, show her you don't care too much or don't take her too serious, it will make her anxious and at the same time more devoted to you, most likely she will then try to please you and be the best girlfriend she can be to win the "old you" back.
Keep her on a short leash, don't allow her to do anything you don't like: for example, next time she makes a comment like the one with her being cold and the other guy "not warming her up", simply tell her that she is not what you're looking for, you need a break etc be calm, composed and cold, don't make any drama out of it (or she will think you care too much)....she will start crying and begging you for forgiveness, and for the next few weeks you'll have your perfect girlfriend, then once she slips again, repeat the same thing. Just don't give in too easy....train her, teach her, she needs it, as she didn't grow up yet....punish her every time she does something stupid...she won't leave you because of this, but desire you even more.
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby Jay Mack » Mon Apr 19, 2010 2:46 pm

Melkor -

One of the many destructive issues with an HP that you haven't grasped yet is their deceit. It's pervasive throughout their personna, their life and their actions. So, when she tells you she was on a cruise with her mother and aunt, discreetly ask to see photos, her failure to produce them for any reason should be telling for you. When she describes her past relationships keep in mind they're from her disordered perspective, AND based on what she wants you to hear and think. You really can't believe everything, if much at all, an HP says.

Much like your planned cruise together that you're dreading, I too found myself copping out of social situations I knew would be loaded with men not wanting to witness my HP's seductive behaviours; it just decimates your self-esteem. At some point you'll begin to feel numb from her histronics, then you'll feel as if you're life has been sucked away, and trust me when I say getting over her later will be much, much harder than getting over her NOW. Getting over her now means restarting your life with your self-esteem and emotions intact. Down the road you won't have any of that and getting over her then will include rebuilding your entire emotional mindset. Read some of the older threads and listen to your psy. None of us on here can talk you out of your relationship, you'll have to decide on your own when to leave.
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby melkor » Mon Apr 19, 2010 7:42 pm

For the cruise she did this past fall I brought her to the airport where her aunt and mother were waiting for her and I went to pick her up at the airport when she came back, plus, she is very open about all her stuff, her pc is always open and I can use it as much as I want, so im pretty confident that story holds up. In fact she is much more naive (or seems) than mean i find, ive never heard of a girl being so taken for a fool, as I said her email addresses and msn and pictures are all open to me, even her facebook (before she deleted it 1 month in our relationship), I saw some emails which seemed to confirm her stories, although what striked me most was how many emails she had sent through facebook to so many guys mainly saying --ho! ure so cute, really showing signs of attention craving etc...

She doesnt strike me as being unfaithful (I could be wrong of course) she said she never cheated on her 2 past bf even the 2sd one she didnt love (or so she says). What mostly bothers me is the constant criticism, the constant eye rolling and attention craving from other men which all seem (I guess) to be coming from the constant lack of self esteem.Today I have decided I would talk about it... I dont know how this will all go but I cant take it anymore to torment myself about it... I really love this girl but in the end i have to think of myself, if she at least accepts to go see a psy about all this ill give her a chance, im ready to do anything for this to work, but there are limits to my patience... Unfortunatly, I expect her to deny it and to act the same way she did every single time I tried to discuss any emotionaly sensible issue with her she'll just tell me--- I dont know , i dont know, ill try to be better for u, to be a better gf... etc...

I want a sane and fullfilling relationship with a good looking girl who makes me happy and that I make happy, not some girly fool I have to play some stupid game with... I deserve better than that... Im so fed up with that ######6 cat and mouse game I have to play...
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby Pathogen » Sun Dec 12, 2010 10:22 am

This is funny because my girlfriend at the moment is spot on to how you just described. We known each other for about 2 weeks before she wanted to date, then 3 years later she made the decision to now move down here to be with me even though we haven't met, but have spoke over the phone and seen each other etc. She even displays the child act when shes horny or upset, it's funny, but odd. It works out for me because shes giving as long as i give her my devotion and accept her, and in return she gives me what i want, so it really does work i think, just as long as she doesn't sleep around. I've never dated someone with HPD so it might be interesting here in a month.
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby earthrooster » Sun Dec 12, 2010 12:36 pm

You think she's not lying. You think she's not cheating on you... it sounds like you're slowly getting lulled into her web.

GET OUT NOW! cut your losses and move on. Hanging in there will lead to severe outcomes. It took 5 years for me, and now I'm dealing with the recovery. Don't think she'll change - if she does its a life time of dealing with it. When it comes down to it why would a HPD want to change if they are getting everything they want?
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby mistaben » Sun Dec 12, 2010 8:16 pm

Well I'll just say this now, there is a clear difference between moral behaviors that are wrong and HPD behaviors.

deceint lying and cheating aren't HPD behaviors (at least IMNSHO but many NON'hpd people on this forum will not agree with me), but often the results of things your doing to bother her. ---> I am HPD and have always looked at other girls, and talked to them (though I am constantly being told I am hitting on them and I am clearly not! it's not my fault the rest of the world thinks someone is trying to sleep with you just because I talk and laugh with the opposite sex!), even when I was in a committed relationship (i wanted to marry the girl! I wouldn't have ever considered cheating on her I still looked at other girls and talked with them). it's not a comparison thing, it's not a i'm trying to sleep with them thing, it's an observation thing and it's fun to laugh. but, she is studying people, that is who she is and what she does. it is a survival trait we adapt to learn how to deal with our parents. she probably does study women too. just because you don't see it doesn't mean she doesn't do it. if it really bothers you just ask her strait forwardly and directly if she is trying to sleep with them - and don't do it with hostility in your voice, or anger, or jealousy - if your not seeking understanding from her then I gauruntee you wont get any.

as an HPD person I can clearly tell you this - if she didn't like you she wouldn't be with you!

one thing you might want to consider doing - and this is just an FYI from another HPD person - is stop pressuring her. your mentally presuring her. as an HPD person she will not recognize the symptoms and be able to tell you this. give her some space. and stop questioning her constantly, she doesn't know the answers to the questions your asking if she did she would tell you. Can I ask you a question, does she question you and why you do the things you do? if you think she is trying to cheat on you in front of you, then you should ask her if she is! but don't go and do it with hostility and jealousy and every other emotion, just ask her if she sees that that's what it appears like to you and that's what you think other people do when they are.

and, if she has nothing to talk about THAT IS OK! - it's ok to sit in silence and just enjoy each other's company. if your bored go to go church, go out to eat, go get coffee, go take up rock climbing, go learn to cook together, go to the gym. but stop expecting her to entertain you constantly! sometimes we just want to enjoy your quiet presence, that is how we relate and sometimes that is how we let you know that we love you.

HPD people, IMNSHO, have absolutely nothing in common with the rest of the world. so her talking with you just to relate will probably never happen, UNLESS she is purposefully trying to relate something to you. that is a normal NON response to normal relations. if you have something you want to relate to her, or ask her for her feedback on go on ahead and ask! but you'll have to bring the topic up. and that is ok.

my best single advice is this: just accept her as she is. it's ok to vent but trying to change her at this point will only backfire on you. give the relationship time. and emotionally validate her feelings. IF she says the room looks horrible after she just got done painting it, tell her well it isn't superb your right but it does look better then before and you did a good job on it. HPD people don't have self-esteem, I DID NOT SAY we have bad self esteem, i said we DONT HAVE self-esteem. If she wears underwear in front of her father and says she sees nothing wrong with it, guess what, there probably IS NOTHING wrong with it, but IT IS OK tell her that you would apreciate it if she would still put at least some shorts on as a modesty thing but if she doesn't that is OK too. she'll probably will do it just because she cares about you and loves you. but she wont understand why you see the need.

best of luck to you.
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby Pathogen » Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:32 pm

I had a good idea. Instead of talking to her directly, bring it up, say you read online about this disorder called HPD from a movie you seen, and you thought it was interesting; then point out the sympotoms. The point of this is to try and make her start to become self aware without any pressure.
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Re: My girlfriend has HPD please help!

Postby earthrooster » Mon Dec 13, 2010 3:15 am

I think you're banging your head on a brick wall if you think you can get the hearts of a HPD. there will always be a wall between each other - unless they find their identity, self-esteem and break down their delusional constructs IMO. I ask this to other HPD's, why do you want to get better? what do you expect if you do recover?
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