Let me start with a disclaimer that I am not replying to Sofrance, since that will not help anyone. My post is intended for sufferers of the disorder, both nons and PDs, who want to heal and change. My only intention is to hold a mirror to destructive behavior.
I am going to use the words and substance in Sofrance's post to illustrate the reason for No Contact. Besides my HPD ex with whom I am now NC and from whose situation I am now far removed, I still have two colleagues who work for me and who have PD traits (N traits). Since they work for me, I deal with them everyday. While I maintain strict accountability with them, as is expected, dealing with them is very difficult. There are some common traits across all PDs which I have now started to record:1. Contradictions and double standards:
In Sofrance's post there is a valid argument against generalization -
It is insulting to people with HPD and you absolutely should not use such derogatory, generalising, insulting language in any context whatsoever.
which is contradicted by Sofrance's own outburst in the end -
You "non-HPDs", you really are so vicious, stop trying to destroy people.
It is as if PDs hold you responsible for the same offence, which they don't hold themselves responsible for. They seem incapable of stopping and thinking that they are contradicting themselves and that they are applying one standard to what they expect of you and another of what they themselves do. 2. Introspection and Need for change
Actually I am not on this forum looking to change myself/heal/etc etc etc and Rockstar your post is highly patronising
I am perfectly happy with who I am, HPD and all.
Bam, Rockstar - Save your compassion and empathy for "appropriate" people. This is not something PDs can understand and your intention will be misconstrued as "patronizing". Without any real introspection and need for change, PDs live in a "tit-for-tat" world, and that is the only language they understand. Unless they are willing to change, you have to get your needs met by manipulating them using fear. 3. Twisted Logic and Self-righteousness
It doesn't matter how much someone has been hurt/upset by someone with suspected HPD, you should not use terms as "these vicious people are trying to destroy us".
In a PDs mind, they are the most logical people. Above is an example of their logic. They will minimize their own faults and maximize yours. They will come up with the most arbitrary self-righteous statement and tell you what you should do, but obviously never follow the same themselves.4. Clever Justifications and Manipulations
If, as an example, you were mugged by a black person, would that give you the right to generalise to all black people and use terms such as "these viscious people", no that would make you a narrow minded racist.
PDs know how to push your buttons. They are aware of a normal's conscience. The "racist" argument above is an example of a clever justification used to manipulate you and put you on the back foot. As a normal, you know that the example is a fallacy, and that not all black people exhibit similar behaviors, whereas PDs have similar patterns of behavior, and that the comparison is just plain shocking. But during the heat of the moment, it is precisely such a shocking argument, aimed to push your conscience button, that puts a normal on the back foot. Hence, instead of holding a PD responsible and accountable for such a disgusting comparison, you tend to self-doubt and go on the defensive. You have just been cleverly manipulated.5. False empathy
Apart from being insulting I do not think it is helpful to you as a person coming away from a relationship to think of your ex in these terms.
PDs will often advise you on what is good for you. But you will notice that there is no real empathy. You might even fall for it, but you will know that it is not true, since soon afterwards you will hear the real reason:
Understand the condition and why she behaves like that, don't vilify her and make her into some monster and blame it on HPD.
Which will surely be an argument for the PDs own gain. You get nothing unconditional. Everything you get from a PD is conditional.6. Blame-shifting
One of the things that I have picked up on this forum is the "non-HPD's" who have a complete inability to walk away from the relationship. They want to "change" their ex, they want "an apology", but what I find most frightening is the people who talk of their desire for "revenge". Revenge against someone you chose to be involved with because they have a personality disorder.
Finally, you will be blamed for everything. You CHOSE to get involved with a PD, will be the argument (as if there is a label or a stamp on a PDs forehead that they have a PD). They will want "control", want to change you, seek apologies when you say anything against them, and finally take their revenge by leaving you and going for their next target. Yet the very mention of the same from you will be held against you.
Infact your inability to walk away is considered a liability, since they can do it so easily. Life is fun and games you see, and walking away from "objects" of amusement is considered normal by PDs. Attachment, love, emotions and your investment in a relationship are mere words that have no meaning for PDs. They might even tell you that they are unable to have meaningful relationships but it is just a way of pity-seeking and getting you to sympathize and empathize with them - nothing more, nothing deep, nothing meaningful. Its something that they have picked up from a book or the net, but don't really feel deeply to seek change at all. Infact they don't really feel any need for change (except a few).
For all the above reasons, a dialogue is not possible with a PD who is unaware and doesn't want to change. Without change the only possible way to deal with PDs is No Contact.